How to say NO!

[CarolAnn]

My neice is a volunteer with fourth grade girls in a special after-school project to help them learn self confidence and to address the many stressful things kids have to deal with now days. I think it would be a great program for GROWNUPS (Me included) - because one of the things they learn about is when and how to say "NO" to people.

We're taught to be "nice" - and kids especially are often taught that they're to be obedient. In some situations this is exactly the wrong thing to do, but it's hard for kids to tell the difference.

So - how do you home schooler's handle this, or do you talk about it with the kids at all?

One thing my neice does is to line the girls up and throw out situations that they know they are supposed to be able to say "no" to - and they practice. "No! I won't get in your car." "No! I don't want that cigarette." "No! Don't touch me!" She said at first, even in practice some of the girls were afraid to say "no" out loud. By the end of the hour, they could yell it. They also cover how to say it gracefully and with tact - but sometimes the situation calls for no tact and more assertion!

[pinetreefarm]

CarolAnn,

We belong to a fairly active HS group. Many times there are things planned that will not be of interest to the girls. I can usually tell by their response if they really like an idea. Regardless, they are to participate with enthusiasm for the next time they may really like to do whatever.... simple politeness. If someone suggests that they do something and they don't want to, they are to say politely but firmly "no thank you". I would feel it necessary to intercede if that person did not want to take no for the answer.

Pine Tree

[CarolAnn]

Pinetree -

Your kids are lucky to be homeschooled! Issues like this is all too often left on the side in public schools - they're not learning any sort of manners OR when it's acceptable to refuse to cooperate with an adult! They're either rude to everyone - or no one. :P

[hillbilly_mom]

We homeschool also.

For some reason it is harder for my 17yo to say no than my 6yo. She is more assertive than her brother is. He has a kind heart and doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. He is generally helpful and would give you the shirt off his back. However, he does have this unusual sense of right from wrong. He has no problem in telling anyone that they are doing wrong. I actually feel that it will get him into some serious doo doo one day. :-/

DD, on the other hand, has no problem telling her friends or especially her brother than there is NO way she is doing something she doesn't want to do. It may stem from the fact that they are 10½ years apart and she is daddy's little girl. She should have been a boy. I see her standing up to a 6 foot tall person telling them that there is no way in the world she will do that. I can see her hands on her hips as she says it. In a way it is a good thing, but in another she needs to learn that there is a more gentle way to go about it. She goes through life like a bulldozer, running over whatever is in her path. I don't know why I thought she would be any different than I was. I was always a tom boy and would rather play with the boys, than dress in prissy clothes. At VBS she ran around with the boys playing tag and let the girls all sit and play with dolls. She is respectful to adults, but if there is a time when she knows she doesn't want to do something, or she knows she isn't suppose to do something she will definitely let you and everyone else know it. In a VERY loud voice. An example is when we were shopping. She saw a girl who was dressed in a very skimpy dress. She turned around in the check out line and told this teenage girl that she shouldn't dress that way because it looks bad. We have talked about appropriate clothes for girls to wear, but she really shouldn't address that issue with other people's choices of clothes. We talked about it on the way home, and I explained that it wasn't a nice thing to do. I think DS was more mortified than the girl was. The girl was acting like it was no big deal that this little bratty girl told her she looked like a slutty dresser. :o I guess I have a lot of work to do with DD yet. Oh the joys of raising a DD now a days. Hopefully when she becomes a teenager she won't want to dress that way. ;D

[MaryBac]

Hi everyone,
I have just joined this forum, and after having read these posts, I am so thankful that there are parents out there, who teach their children to say "No". It is too bad there were not more that would do this! Keep up the good work!
Mary