Bad_Omen
05-08-2007, 09:16 AM
>They're baaack! Church Bulletins. Thank God for church ladies with
>typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were
>announced in church services:
>
>
>
>Ø Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
>Please use large double door at the side entrance.
>
>
>
>Ø The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
>
>
>
>Ø The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight
>"Searching for Jesus."
>
>
>
>Ø Our St. Peter's youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM
>in the recreation hall; come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
>
>
>
>Ø Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
>things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
>
>
>
>Ø The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a
>conflict.
>
>
>
>Ø Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
>
>
>
>Ø Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious
>pleasure to the congregation.
>
>
>
>Ø For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
>downstairs.
>
>
>
>Ø Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
>help they can get.
>
>
>
>Ø Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
>transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of
>Pastor Jack's sermons.
>
>
>
>Ø The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
>sing "Break Forth Into Joy."
>
>
>
>Ø Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
> So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
>
>
>
>Ø A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
>will follow.
>
>
>
>Ø At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
> Come early and listen to our choir practice.
>
>
>
>Ø Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several
>new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
>
>
>
>Ø Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
>Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
>
>
>
>Ø Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person
>you want remembered.
>
>
>
>Ø The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and
>gracious hostility.
>
>
>
>Ø Potluck supper Sunday at 5 :00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
>
>
>
>Ø The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may
>be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
>
>
>
>Ø This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from
>the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
>
>
>
>Ø Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are
>invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
>
>
>
>Ø The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
>lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
>
>
>
>Ø Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the
>back door.
>
>
>
>Ø The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church
>basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this
>tragedy.
>
>
>
>Ø The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan
>last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
>typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were
>announced in church services:
>
>
>
>Ø Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
>Please use large double door at the side entrance.
>
>
>
>Ø The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
>
>
>
>Ø The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight
>"Searching for Jesus."
>
>
>
>Ø Our St. Peter's youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM
>in the recreation hall; come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
>
>
>
>Ø Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
>things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
>
>
>
>Ø The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a
>conflict.
>
>
>
>Ø Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
>
>
>
>Ø Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious
>pleasure to the congregation.
>
>
>
>Ø For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
>downstairs.
>
>
>
>Ø Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
>help they can get.
>
>
>
>Ø Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
>transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of
>Pastor Jack's sermons.
>
>
>
>Ø The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
>sing "Break Forth Into Joy."
>
>
>
>Ø Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
> So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
>
>
>
>Ø A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
>will follow.
>
>
>
>Ø At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
> Come early and listen to our choir practice.
>
>
>
>Ø Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several
>new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
>
>
>
>Ø Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
>Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
>
>
>
>Ø Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person
>you want remembered.
>
>
>
>Ø The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and
>gracious hostility.
>
>
>
>Ø Potluck supper Sunday at 5 :00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
>
>
>
>Ø The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may
>be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
>
>
>
>Ø This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from
>the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
>
>
>
>Ø Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are
>invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
>
>
>
>Ø The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
>lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
>
>
>
>Ø Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the
>back door.
>
>
>
>Ø The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church
>basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this
>tragedy.
>
>
>
>Ø The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan
>last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."