love/hate relationship

[rockymtngirl]

Ok - so I think I am going crazy! Bf and I had a tiff last night (this is nothing new really). So first thing this morning he packs up some of his stuff in the suburban ( army cot and the like), goes about changing the oil. then takes off on the harley and made a point of taking off the back 'sissy' bar before he left. What the?
So this has happened before - he'll pack up his stuff or I'll tell him to leave.
So here's the crazy part (well all of that is pretty crazy in itself):
when he leaves I feel guilty but when he's home I feel resentful.
I think I need scream therapy ???
We've been together over 7 years and I've posted some other comments about this whole thing being over before - but we both just keep on going - maybe it's easier than dealing with moving, splitting stuff up (kinda like marriage but with out the paper).
Anyway, just wanted to vent - helps to get my words out and maybe it will help get my thoughts clearer.

Anyone else been in one of these up/down relationships?

Thanks for listening

Rocky

[swampyankee]

Quick question. If he was planning on leaving, why would he pack the suburban and leave on the harley? Sounds like he's not planning on going anywhere for too long to me. Unfortunately passion has great highs and lows. the greater the passion the greater the peaks and valleys. Only you can decide if you're better off with him than without him. Hope this helps.

[EarthMama]

Ugh!

Rocky, I think the whole dang world is filled with ups and downs in relationships.

My man and I are usually pretty compatible but dang... not tonight... neither figuratively or physically, if you get my drift.

I know we're both 52 and we just "did it" last night but man... this is like the first time he's ever chosen sleep over "me" in a l-o-n-g time. I mean... he came right out and said he'd rather go to sleep. I was stunned. Now I'm po'd.

Maybe it's the moon or something, I dunno.

But the next time HE'S in the mood? For. Get. It.

It's always somethin' with men, I swear! Who needs it?!

Wish I had some advice to give ya... but I don't. If I did, I'd probably take it myself too.


???

[rockymtngirl]

Thanks Earthmama - I don't know the answer either.
BF came back home to drop off the Harley and get the suburban - he'd been out drinking most of the day I think (that's his regular M.O.). Didn't say a word - which is fine.
EVery time this happens I swear I'm going to go to the bank and move all the $$ out of the joint acct and set up a new one. I figure since I birng in all of the money and pay all the bills then that's my right.

Well shoot - I've got to try and get some sleep. Work tomorrow and who knows what else.

Hang in there!

Rocky

[tomato204]

Well, let's see....you make all the money and pay all the bills and he rides around and drinks. I say throw him out for good and call me! ;D

[PaulNKS]

Well, let's see....you make all the money and pay all the bills and he rides around and drinks. I say throw him out for good and call me! ;D

I AGREE!!! but don't call me... call Tomato! lol

[sulix]

Good Luck. You make money and pay bills. Hook up with me LOL. jokeing.

[EarthMama]

Thanks Earthmama - I don't know the answer either.
BF came back home to drop off the Harley and get the suburban - he'd been out drinking most of the day I think (that's his regular M.O.). *Didn't say a word - which is fine.
EVery time this happens I swear I'm going to go to the bank and move all the $$ out of the joint acct and set up a new one. *I figure since I birng in all of the money and pay all the bills then that's my right.

Well shoot - I've got to try and get some sleep. *Work tomorrow and who knows what else.

Hang in there!

Rocky

How are things going, Rocky? I've been thinking about ya, girl. :-[

[harvester]

Give him a little suprise. Pack his bags for him!!
Or,
Deal with his childish sheet.. :-X

[PaulNKS]

Even though I'm a guy, I would say boot his butt out if he can't stop being a child, throwing tantrums and being an equal.....

[Grizzy]

You know... I read your words and left it alone. I just didn't know how to comfort you or to advise. But I came back because the one thing that lingers in my mind is this... Your life is ticking by, one fight at a time, one tear at a time, one discouragement at a time. One day you're going to wake up and ask yourself, "Where did my life go?"

I cannot tell you what to do, but I can tell you this... You are worh Loving. You deserve Happiness and Peace.

I'm probably a silly fool, but I believe in Soulmates. If this is something that is real... then you haven't allowed yourself to be in the position of finding this lovely Treasure.

Being alone isn't the end of the world... it's just a resting place. I don't know you, and you don't know me, but I sure hope you find all the Good Stuph that can fill a Heart....

Grizzy

[PaulNKS]

You know... I read your words and left it alone. *I just didn't know how to comfort you or to advise. *But I came back because the one thing that lingers in my mind is this... Your life is ticking by, one fight at a time, one tear at a time, one discouragement at a time. *One day you're going to wake up and ask yourself, "Where did my life go?" *

I cannot tell you what to do, but I can tell you this... You are worh Loving. *You deserve Happiness and Peace. *

I'm probably a silly fool, but I believe in Soulmates. *If this is something that is real... then you haven't allowed yourself to be in the position of finding this lovely Treasure.

Being alone isn't the end of the world... it's just a resting place. *I don't know you, and you don't know me, but I sure hope you find all the Good Stuph that can fill a Heart....

Grizzy



That's the best advice I've read yet.... Grizzy you is one smart woman ;D

[rockymtngirl]

Just got back from business trip to Casper. Sounds like he was out of the house most of the time I was gone - here when I got home today. The time away helped me though - my decision is made. It's time to move on.
Griz - you are right - life is too short to be miserable and I don't want to look back and wish I had made the decision sooner - it's already been too long coming. I'm thinking of giving up the lease on this house and moving out of the city - it will really screw up my planting/garden this year, but I've decided I can live with that.
Thanks everyone for your words of encouragement and good advice.

[PaulNKS]

Hey.... your sense of self is way the heck more important that a garden.... not only that, but a garden can still be planted if you move.... or if you are too late for a summer garden plant for a fall garden if your area can support it. We have summer and fall gardens here.

Good Luck... It won't be easy but we will all be pulling for you... Consider one other thing. You said you may give up the lease and move out of the city? I guess maybe this could be the same as you closing one door to open a better door... opening a door to your new homesteading?

We will be pulling for you and here to listen when you need it, even us guys.... :)

Paul

[rockymtngirl]

Thanks Paul! I think you are right about the door opening - I really want to start moving toward my goal of having a little homestead. It might be teeny tiny compared to many here, but It would satisfy my soul more than anything I can think of right now! Will keep all of you posted.

Kirstin

[PaulNKS]

It might be teeny tiny compared to many here, but It would satisfy my soul more than anything I can think of right now! *Will keep all of you posted.

Kirstin
Kirstin,

The size can only be as large as you can get.... But, the key is to start somewhere, even if it is small. Keep in mind that there are some on here that have good sized places but there are many that are still in the city with little to no yard. I've seen several on here that are in trailer parks with no room to do anything. So, you on any size homestead is a step. You can always move up to something larger in the future.

Good luck,
Paul

[EarthMama]

Your life is ticking by, one fight at a time, one tear at a time, one discouragement at a time. *One day you're going to wake up and ask yourself, "Where did my life go?"


On the surface, I think these are wonderful words....

.... but when ya get down to it, I don't care who you're married to (or with) or how much of soul mates ya are, there's still going to be fights, tears, discouragements in this life. If not brought on by your significant other, then brought on by other people, situations or things.

Not that Rocky shouldn't separate herself from this person but I'm just sayin'.

Also... when you have time and heart invested in someone, it's a LOT easier to say boot him (or her) than it is to actually do it.

[EarthMama]

Just got back from business trip to Casper. *Sounds like he was out of the house most of the time I was gone - here when I got home today. *The time away helped me though - my decision is made. *It's time to move on. *
Griz - you are right - life is too short to be miserable and I don't want to look back and wish I had made the decision sooner - it's already been too long coming. *I'm thinking of giving up the lease on this house and moving out of the city - it will really screw up my planting/garden this year, but I've decided I can live with that.
Thanks everyone for your words of encouragement and good advice. *


I wish you well, Rocky. It's nice to have time away... to clear your mind and let new thoughts come in. Take good care. I know you'll be alright! (((((((()))))))))

[freezit]

Another thought on this....I believe that if you have been divorced or through a long term commitment that ended the next relationship you are in makes you want to try a little harder and may even make you put up with things you would have never thought you would have taken.

I also believe the comment about the more passion the more heated things can get.

I do believe that we should be there for our partner in a relationship and if I became unemployed I would hope my mate would be there for me, but if one of us was just sitting around expecting the other to take care of everything that would never work for me, nor would I want someone that allowed me to be that way.

I need to know my man is the strength and backbone in the family. I do not mean to be miss weak I need the man to do everything, but I want to be the woman and the man, the man.

Good luck to you. It is tough going through the end of a bad relationship. And sometimes it has to begin and end a few times before it is truly finally over.

[mtwildflower]

On the surface, I think these are wonderful words....

.... but when ya get down to it, I don't care who you're married to (or with) or how much of soul mates ya are, there's still going to be fights, tears, discouragements in this life. *If not brought on by your significant other, then brought on by other people, situations or things. *

Not that Rocky shouldn't separate herself from this person but I'm just sayin'.

Also... when you have time and heart invested in someone, it's a LOT easier to say boot him (or her) than it is to actually do it.


Sorry, but I think this is crap.

I was married for 18 years and 2 days to my ex husband and finally decided to end it after he beat the living daylights out of me in front of our five kids and
the county attorney told me enough was a g-damn nuff and that he didn't want the next time he saw me to be in a body bag. My heart was invested almost to the point of where he killed me.

When your significant other berates you, demoralizes you, makes arguements and struggles personal, attempts to control you through manipulation, that is more than fights, tears and discouragements. It's abuse. No one deserves it and no one should be allowed to do it by those they abuse.

I am now married to a man who does not treat me the way I was treated before. We argue, but it's never personal and it's never important enough to cut the other person to the core. We've both had totally shitty marriages and we both know we don't want another one.

People continue to get treated poorly by others because they do not expect to be treated any differently. They do not expect and even demand common courtesy. Discourteousness quickly turns into disrespect and once that line is crossed in a relationship, I don't know if it can ever remedied.

You're worth more than being taken advantage of, and if you are being taken advantage of, then there's something screwy with your heart.

[rockymtngirl]

H- mt - thanks for your comments. I have lived through abusive situations earlier in my life. This one is not physical - its mental - manipulating/guilt ridden crap. So I've made my decision to go on in my life without this person and I already feel better. Now it's just a matter of gettin a new place and a fresh start.

Rocky

[DM]

Good for you Rocky!!

DM

[PaulNKS]

Yeah.. what DM said... And we're all waiting to see pics of the new place. lol...

[Grizzy]

mtwildflower's words are true.. no one deserves to be continuously beaten down physicallyl or mentally... I hear such strength in her voice, she lived thru the worst of times and it didn't break her... She came thru the fire strong and true.

Rocky.. You can get on the other side of this and be an even more amazing woman than you are even now :D

Never Give Up!

~Grizzy~

[EarthMama]

Sorry, but I think this is crap.

I was married for 18 years and 2 days to my ex husband and finally decided to end it after he beat the living daylights out of me in front of our five kids and
the county attorney told me enough was a g-damn nuff and that he didn't want the next time he saw me to be in a body bag. My heart was invested almost to the point of where he killed me.



Mtwildflower, I obviously wasn't talking about extreme cases like yours. I was just sayin'... that it's just not so easy to "boot somebody out" when your heart is invested and you're going back and forth and not quite sure what to do. As in this case, there was some "alone time" that needed to be had... and some soul-searching that needed to be done... before a decision could be made.

But, when you think about it, maybe you've proven my point exactly... sadly enough. I mean.... you must not have found it too easy to boot your first husband out, huh? 5 kids and years of marriage and beatings... and you were still with him?

Obviously though, the situation that prompted this thread was nothing like your situation... so there's no comparison. At least not in my view.

Just sayin'....

[reedb66]

Very true mtwildflower NO ONE EVER DESERVES TO BE ABUSED.my wife can be very sarcastic and very sharp tongued when shes mad and boy will she carry a grudge(shes brought up my shortcomings from years ago like they were yesterday!!)She never says she is sorry because she is never wrong :P I finally had enough 1 day when she was just plain bitchin about everything I did so I told her a thought I had a long time ago that has proven itself true to me many times over the years.(The one who does the most bitchin usually contributes the least anything)I think shes still kinda miffed and its been a few years since I said that.But I dont regret it ,she is a little more careful about what she says now.I do my best in this marriage ,I cook,clean,wash clothes ,help with the kids and have always brought in all the money(she has never had a job or needed to get one)We homeschool(her choice)and I always figured that was enough work.We have learned to work together for the most part and we do love each other,I just wish sometimes she wasnt quite so needy,but thats her and it doesnt kill me to do extra for her ;D rockymtgirl you will find someone thats good for you!!!