Am I the only one? Need advice please

[Emerald]

I notice there is a section on the forum for singles, but none for married people. Is everyone here that is married happy & on the same page with their spouse about a self-reliant lifestyle? I don't know a single soul who wants this type of life and it is starting to get to me. I feel completely alone.
Before we got married (9 yrs. ago), my husband & I wanted the same things out of life. Or at least I thought we did. Now, I think he only told me what I wanted to hear to get me to finally agree to marry him. I am so disheartened lately and I don't know what to do. We had agreed we wanted more kids (he had two that I adopted). We wanted a little hobby farm with lots of animals and to be able to live as independently as possible. I had saved for 7 years before we got together to be able to build my dream house. When we married, it became our dream house and about 3 times bigger than I had planned. We built the house and our goal was to have it paid for in 10 years. I have killed myself to see this happen & get out of debt. I make about 4 times the money he does and every possible dime goes to getting the mortgage paid off. He makes the monthly mortgage payment and I pay all our other bills. I work on commission, which I receive at the end of each year and I have paid our house down to less than a third of what it started at in 5 years. Any extra money he has goes on what ever he wants. He bought a Mustang behind my back last year, which is his dream car and he is going to rebuild it spending God only know how much. He is really into tractor pulls and go kart racing and he doesn't help me at all at home. He's always working on something or gone somewhere playing with his toys. This year I had a large vegetable garden for the first time, which he was all for, but he did not help at all - none. I work full time at my own business, take care of 2 kids and getting them back & forth to all their activities, and then cook, clean, garden, can, etc. at home. It has become so overwealming to me. I work constantly and I have no help. Now, he has decided he doesn't want a little farm because he doesn't want to have to take care of it and he doesn't want me to have any animals or anything that has to be taken care of because then we will be tied down & can't travel. Now he wants to travel. He has completely changed. We want completely different things out of life. I think things are going to get really bad soon and have been making sure we have ample supplies. He says I am going overboard and acts like I'm crazy. I like being prepared and it has already saved money because every time I go to the store the prices are higher.
Can anyone give me advice? Surely, someone has had a spouse that was reluctant or indifferent to this type of life. How do you cope? My kids are 13 and 15 now and I want to give them a stable happy home, but I have found myself thinking about when they are gone and grown and maybe I should prepare for being on my own. I don't want a divorce, but he has changed completely and I know I am not going to be able to live like this much longer. I am only holding out for the kids now. I know I am rambling and giving out way to much personal information, but I don't have anyone to talk to about this and I just need some encouragement from someone who has been in this position. If nothing else, thanks for listening. I'm just having a really bad day.

[Buck]

"He makes the monthly mortgage payment and I pay all our other bills. I work on commission, which I receive at the end of each year and I have paid our house down to less than a third of what it started at in 5 years. Any extra money he has goes on what ever he wants. He bought a Mustang behind my back last year,"

These statements tell me that you folk's are NOT on the same page when it
comes to money at all. Money in a marriage can never be your's is mine &
mine is mine. Money in a marriage has got to be "ours" 110% or it will rip
the union apart.

Often when this type of money issue comes up there are other issues where
the folks' involved don't believe in the "we" mindset instead believe in the
"my" or "mine" mindset.

It's also possible that one or both of the folk's involved just wanted an easy
ready sex partner.....not a "we" based union called marriage. :-/

[madmac]

You are not alone in this boat. I am lucky, been married 38 years to the same lovely women. We are a team and support one another always. But, I know most married folks go through this. Some weather the storm and some fall by the side of the road. Everyone has a different set of problems and no general rule will fix everything. Even my marrige has had it's moments in it's early years. I would find myself asking what the heck i was in this relationship for as I felt tied down. Then I would come to grips, realize I had it all. Someone that loved me, cared for my kids, stay at home mom that kept our home running smooth and all the bills paid on time. Shoot, I had it made. I think trying to fine some common interest would be a start. Sometimes you have to set your things aside and share in your partners interest. maybe this could bring you two closer together and back on track. Maybe you guys started out wanting the same but it is clear that dream has got off course. When that happens all to often it becomes "all about me" from both sides and they tend to grow further apart. I am not saying you should give up your dream but maybe you have too much on your plate to get involved with his interest and he resents it. Being a man I can say this. Men by nature want more material things out of life, spend more money for toys, become bored easier and are quick to feel a need for change. Men for the most part are not as much of a homebody as women. Now I know I will get some slack for these last statements but I didn't imply all men so you guys go easy on me. I wish you luck in your marriage as a good marrage is the most rewarding thing on earth. A bad marriage if it can't be fixed should be let go of. Hope this helps and God bless you

[bookwormom]

that is rough and my heart goes out to you. He is not about to see the light and suddenly appreciate the homesteading life. How much does he do for the kids? He could do the driving them to and from all the activities kids are involved in nowadays.
You do the cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, plus making money. Okay, my husband is not involved in the garden either, which is just as well. I love my garden, and if he would manage to keep his critters out of my plantings it would be fine.
All I can do is pat you on the shoulder, he has a jewel and does not see it. Maybe he does not want to, he can't keep up with you. Maybe compared to you he feels he is a bit on the insignificant side? Or, from the first part of your post, he is plumb taking advantage of you, he knew what he got when he married you.
Well, my friend Elly would say, you got a pair of tennis shoes kiddo? put them on and run. but I would not advice something drastic like that

You probably have tried talking to him, tried to reason with him and you might as well talk to the man in the moon. I personally think you are on the right track, if I had a hat it would be off to you.
so you can lead a frustrated life doing what you feel is essential, or you can join in his life of frivolous persuits and be miserable doing that. Best to you.

[leera]

Money is most often a big argument point among married couples.

My hubby and I used to argue about it a lot,especially when he couldn't seem to understand that we were broke. :-/

Have you tried sitting down and having a one on one with him?Let him know how you're feeling.If you can't find the words out loud,try writing him a letter.The point is to talk,not argue.

In order for a marriage to continue to work,there has to be an equal understanding of who does what and why.

Example,I pay all the bills because my DH isn't responsible enough,but he does all the yard work and such because I just plain don't like to.

You said he bought a project car,set some ground rules,and tell him he can only spend x amount on it a month,AFTER all the other bills,savings deposits,etc, are taken care of,if there is anything left over.

Explain to him that he needs to put more effort into not just your marriage,but the house work and the kids, and not dump it all on you.

Sometimes guys need a little reminder once in a while to put down the toys,it's in their nature,they can't help it.

But women tend to let things sit and build steam,and just keep taking on more tasks no matter how much they have going on,up until they reach the breaking point,we can't help it either,it's in our nature to be caregivers.

My DH and I had our 10 years this past June,and yes there have been times when I wanted to pack up and leave,or throw his butt out,but we worked things out eventually.We have no children,just us and the pets.

I think everyone goes through a point once in a while where they feel tied down,or off course,and sometimes things just don't work out,but it takes two,and if one half of that combo isn't going in the same direction as the other,then things just aren't going to work.

I wish you all the best,no matter what ends up working out best for you.

[WileyCoyote]

Emerald, you describe so much my relationship with my first hubby that my heart swelled.

His money was his and I worked to pay the bills and take care of the kids. He said he wanted to live in the country, have a farm and production animals, and raise our own vegies - but he refused to work toward it. Any gardens I planted - just like the housework and the child care - were mine to do alone. I taught myself to can and preserve and raise anything. The more selfish he became, the more self-reliant I became - until finally I threw his wazoo OUT; everything was in my name and I had paid for it so why not??

My current ;) DH and I have been married over 26 years. He, too, said he wanted to live in the country and have our own land and critters, but raising the kids and struggling from the bills of my first marriage took a long time. It seemed there was no end in sight even after the kids were grown! When he got hurt and got a settlement, I went looking for our dream - a dream that in his mind had faded away. I took his settlement and "bought the farm"! Now we are happy and industrious and working together on our dream that has been rekindled by my insistence and pure obnoxiousness and refusal to give up. But at least hubby #2 has always done his share of chores, is mechanically minded and even creative in a construction/maintenance sense .

Leera is right; don't let things build. TELL HIM what you want and where you are headed, and he can either be a part of it or choose not to. TELL him what you are working toward and SHOW him, too... not angrily or in a hurt manner (that washes over them like lecturing children and leaves no impact) - but rationally and firmly. For years DH couldn't understand how $$ worked so I paid the bills and made the investments - and now that he has purpose and direction again, he does it. If he doesn't want to be a full half of a partnership, then he and you have some adult decisions to make. If he thinks that all he needs is a mommy to take care of his basic needs so that he can go and play, then you have decisions to make - with him, or without him.

I can't make those decisions for you but I CAN tell you that you have to make up your mind if this is really what you want, or if you have the strength to do it alone if necessary. Sometimes men need to be drug along in our wakes, and sometimes they will suddenly re-invent themselves, remember what they wanted, and take back their manhood and partnerhood. But sometimes they drag us down too far, not understanding that or even why we are unhappy, and sometimes they never rediscover their youthful stated passions and desires. You and he will have to decide that on your own. And you will have to be strong enough to not only make whatever decision is necessary, but to live with the aftermath.

Life and marriage is HARD. Sometimes one partner takes the lead, sometmes the other. But if you don't have a partnership, just a live-in arrangement, and you want more, you have to see not only where you are, but where you are going, clearly, with an adult, rational, and unemotional if-then, goal/choice, direction and purpose. Life is far too short to waste on those who don't actively participate in mutual goal-setting and fulfillment.

[MYellowRose]

Emerald all I can do is repeat Dear Abby's question for you to ask yourself "Am I better off with him than I would be without him?" I may have her phrasing wrong but the idea is still the same. Good luck.

[JoH]

Emerald...

Like everyone else who posted here...my heart goes out to you.

DH not being interested in a self-sufficient lifestyle is the least of your problems. It seems you are providing the lifestyle HE wants and getting nothing in return. That's no partnership...marriage or otherwise.

I am not one to advocate divorce when children are involved, but you certainly need to talk to him about seeing a counselor.

Best of luck to you!
Jo

[Terri]

DH loves cities: I love the wilderness.

DH loves consumer toys, I don't see the point.

We both knew it would be like this, but we loved each other and we needed to make it work.

So, we learned to respect each others dreams, and after too many years of squabbling we learned to divide the money. I never ask what he does with his, whick is good because his just sort of vanishes, *and we discuss ANY large purchases.

Your husband pays the mortgage now, and car or no car I would expect him to continue. And, he is as entitled to his dream car as you are the farm: he simply needs to keep up his financial side. (I DO sometimes check my husbands credit card balance, you might also. Just so you know where the two of you stand).

By the same token, you are as entitled to your critters an he is the car. You might point that out when he talks about traveling. It sounds like the two of you are in a fair relationship at the moment, and it needs to STAY that way! OK, having stock and a garden was not as much fun as he thought and he would like to bow out? OK. But, that does not mean that YOU have to bow out just because he does not enjoy it any more! The only way that 2 opposites can get along is if they respect each others interests! Not join each others interests, no, you do not have to love his car and he does not have to love your garden. But, HE can love his car and YOU can love your garden! And should!

No, my DH is not into the outside. But, sometimes we talk about our days.

Now, my DH does not help me in the garden. For christmas this year I bought weed barrier so I don't have to weed around the bell peppers and squash, as it is getting too much for me. It sits in the corner of the bed room waiting for DH to wrap it in December (kids do not understand about choosing one's own gifts).

Life changes. Spouses change. He can change-as we all do- and you can still love him for being the man that he is. And, no, you do not have to share HIS dreams, they are his own. Just as yours are your own!

So says Terri, who went to college to study agriculture, and who fell in love with a man who was studying City and Regional planning. That was 35 years ago.

Oh, yes. Your kids will soon be able to farm-sit so the 2 of you can travel a little. I will not suggest it at the moment because, if your teenagers are like MY teenagers, they lack the emotional maturity to not kill each other. Yes, you would think they SHOULD be more mature than that, but they still think it really cool to BUG each other!

Not all teenagers are ready to take charge of a small farm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[bookwormom]

Words of wisdom Terri.

[JeffColorado]

Not one to mice words and there is lots of good words above - just sounds like he thinks your his mommy - and it's time for him to grow up.

Life is way too short to worry about what could have been instead of going and doing.

Really hope everything goes well for you.

[Emerald]

Thanks everyone for your support. I've got a lot of thinking to do. I know I need a husband, not an eternal child, so in many ways it's up to him what happens. I'm hopeful things will improve, but if not, I will do what I have to do.

[MotherCharlotte]

I hope things work out for you Emerald. I can sense the sadness in your posts--you are in a very difficult situation. I personally would find it heartbreaking if my dreams of self-sufficient country living were not shared by my husband. All I can say is you and your husband need to do a lot of talking so you can figure out where things might go from here.

Please don't be afraid to "ramble" here, there are many of us who do want to listen. (hug) :)

[Terri]

Child? No, just determined to explore all of life: first city life, then farm life, then???????

[Suzy]

You are sure NOT the only one in this boat....I am in it with you....decide for yourself if you are better with him or without him...and don't wait til you're too old to follow your dreams to make your decisions!!!!

[Terri]

Emerald, a thought occurs to me.

Is it that you feel overworked and want more help, or is it that you feel upset because you now have different dreams?

The first is easier to deal with. MUCH easier.

[rantinraven]

(((Emerald))) you are not alone sweetie. Sometimes I feel like the more I do the less gets done. This year I took on a lot of "projects" as DH calls them. Not out of want but out of necessity. The majority of the work on these projects is mine and it seems at times I bit off more than I could chew. We have always talked about living a more sustainable life, getting the debt down, having the solar panels, geothermal, cob everything. They were nice ideas, but when the work started everyone bailed. When they saw it was back breaking work that was the end of the dream for dang near all of them but me. We live in the city so my little plot is easier to care for in that aspect I can't imagine what I would do with more than 1 acre of land :( this little place is too much for me as it is. I wish you peace, its what I hope for myself and you need it as much as anyone. i know in the urgency of today that we feel soo much has to be done and there's so little time.... Please be kind to yourself, your only one person. I know my words don't help much I repeat them to myself all the time, but I surely know what "tired" feels like. Not just the tired you feel because you did work, but the tired you feel in mind and spirit. Remember that even God took a day of rest. Please take care of you, my heart and prayers go out to you. Raven

[walls0stone]

I totaly understand that. Many people think that small farm life is all happy stuff. It's tons of work. Keeping up with life is tons of work. sometimes It would be easyer to be married to a person who understood farm life, but that's not how it worked. finding a spouce with a work ethic at all, no matter the life your living is hard enough.

I have just goten to the point were if DW wants to leave the farm, go back to the city, pay for all the beef, pork, eggs and garden fare I've provided...along with the other frills of this place like a tractor to plow snow with, tons of fire wood and so on, she can go. But when she thinks about spending all that money, well this life is not so bad.

[fnfredux]

a man cannot change who he truly is...your guy is the SAME guy you met and married, he just hid it because it suited his purpose. You will NEVER have the life you want with him. If you stay with him, decide what comprimises you are willing to make, discuss them with him. If he wants more than you can give...
Your own savings plan, in your mom's or dad's name WITHOUT his knowledge, put that extra money in THRER not toward a joint asset. You need to fool HIM this time and don't be the one fooled.
Been there myself, first husband, wish I had taken the above advice given to me by an older friend.
Second husband, 25+years, I handle ALL the finances and he's the one who has to "ask"... he's not even sure what we have.
Be smart, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, prepare.

[pcrowder]

Emerald:
I wish I had some sage advice, but everyone else's seems so right-on that I really have nothing to add except:
{{{{{{{{{{{{{ HUGS }}}}}}}}}}}}}

[LobsterPond]

Hi Emerald -
Oh does this sound familiar.

I was making enough money to offer my husband the option of retiring at 36 - "so, do want your time or your money?" and he took time. . . said he could focus on his "issues".

That was 3 years ago and this fall I found hidden booze bottles in one of the out buildings - boozing while working in the woods cutting trees! with a chain saw . . no wonder nothing was getting done.

So I said that was it - back to work. If he wasn't happy now (and had to drink) when he had all the time in the world to deal with his "issues" then he could be unhappy making money again (stress from work used to be the reason he said he drank).

He tries to cash his pay check before I get my hands on it - but I'll be ending that by getting direct deposit set up on his pay check - I also "need" the pay stub every week for figuring "the budget". I quit buying the "good food" and only make ramen noodles for him and eggs (we have hens) and I tell him we need his money to go on bills (because the economy is so bad).

Right, you're dealing with a teenager as a life-mate. Either take control and do what's right for the whole family or everyone suffers. Don't be a suffering kind of woman- but expect a few battles on the way. In the end, he'll respect you more for it!

[silvergramma]

Emerald,, I can almost see what you're going through my hubby (2nd) and I started out same thing we said we both wanted little house on the prairie...I knew more about it than he did from reading and buying books way before we got engaged...
we were both working full time in the big city before we met.. then i came down with a bad case of bppv vertigo that forced me to give up my job .. he was alright with that and we did fine in the big city
when we had a chance to move to the country he became a truck driver to pay off debts and I worked part time at a job that wouldnt let my bppv interfere if it raised its ugly head
As we prayed for what we wanted for the lifestyle it became apparently clear that i would have all the responsibilities for the livestock, garden , canning,, etc..but i didnt have children and he wasnt spending money on new toys because he actually enjoyed coming home and spending time with the horses we had accumulated but after awhile all the responsibilities of the lifestyle we had chosen became mine instead of ours..
needless to say i realized he left the dream before we really got started.. hadnt gotten our chickens and dairy animals yet but being a city boy and not having the vision he fell off the truck with the rest of the turnips
when i realized what was going on i knew i'd be doin this shtf stuff by myself,, so with a heavy heart i basically told him i thought he should leave,,,love that man but he's no good to me or for me...i've been having to do all the moving to the new location and the things even the lil things a hubby should have been doing.. i've had to do them myself so i've decided to live by myself..
the separation is ongoing tho not legal now but we are being civil to each other so as not to create any more stress than is already there.
you have to decide what is right for you and him,, if he is unhappy then he needs to do what makes him happy
as so should you...keep it simple and keep it real... good luck,,, god bless

[sbemt456]

Dang did we all marry brothers? I thought the men were supposed to be the strong and persistent ones. I know about doing all the garden, canning, the house and take care of hubby and spoil him with near nothing in return. And all in all that breeds resentment and you build a wall around yourself. I know I have a big one. Been married 28 years to the same man. Before we were married behind my back his family started rumors that I was marrying him for his money. ??? What money? He drank his paychecks up.Stopped before I would agree to marry him. Then years later he admits the reason he went for me was that I had a farm paid for and he had always wanted to have a farm. I think what he meant was he wanted a farm he could watch go to hell and grow up in weeds. Which breaks my heart because I know how hard my dad worked to take care of the farm he left for us and our boys. He is the only one that works a job now as I got hurt almost 2 years ago and cant go back to a public job. He doesnt want me to go back to work but darn I would like to have a few dollars in my pocket once in a while so if I do go out to visit a friend or something I could buy myself a coke. But if I am home I feel obligated to cater to him to justify my room and board. So I can relate, You start feeling like a servant. And believe me that is not the equivelent of a marriage.
So go ahead and vent, you may jus find ya not alone chick!

Keep prayin and have a great day!

stella

[Bootz]

Emerald, a lot of us are taught as little girls that we have no say in the marriage. That the men can do whatever they want and that we must obey them and pick up all the pieces for what they leave undone.

It's very important that we have an identity outside of our marriage and recognize we are an individual. It sounds like you have a much better grip on this than I did, but there is still...this piece of brainwashing I pick up on, in your post. This backed into a corner feeling that as long as you are with him you have no control.

The first step is working on the way you think about yourself. You have a right to some control over your future and your dreams. No one has the right to take away your dreams. Your dreams and wants are as important as the children's and his.

I think the second step might be downsizing the house. Hubby isn't the one with final say. It's a joint venture. He cannot have the house AND other toys while you are left with the bills and none of your dream.

It was a house that was the final straw in ending my 22 year marriage. A house can break a marriage. The house becomes the center of all the other decisions. Everything else gets decided after or around it.

If he is not willing to let you be a part of the house decision, that is not a partnership. It is also a betrayal of what was decided before the marriage.

But start first on you. Read some books on verbal abuse. Recognize how we get backed into a corner thinking we have no choices. Learn what your rights as a human are. Work on some self-discovery activities.

Things got this bad because of brainwashing that you didn't have rights and choices and value.

You know how in a science fiction movie everything changes when the robot become self-aware. The changes will start when you become aware of yourself and your birthright.

[Terri]

Sbemt456, technically YOU are providing room for you both, and he is providing board for you both. Equality, yes?

You know, in my home money is ALWAYS tight, but the kids get an allowance and so do I! Because it is IMPORTANT to sometimes get out of the house and have a coke or whatever!

[Bootz]

Financial abuse is a favorite tactic of some men and a VERY effective one. Men keep a woman so busy she cannot find the time to work outside the home or at least not devote herself seriously to a REAL career.

Then they make cash as inaccessible as possible by tying it up in cars, homes, credit, etc or hiding it. Then if the woman wants any money she is made to feel guilty, selfish and vain. And worse yet, outsiders will refer to her as lazy and lucky and think the man has every right to not give her any of "his" money.

If a divorce happens she has no work history or skills. She has no right to Social Security benefits over $700.00 a month if she becomes disabled and as long as she remains with him she has no right to any money whatsoever.

Having no career peers and no money to join social and educational activities leaves her socially isolated, without people to fall back on and to learn new ideas from.

It's so important for a woman to have her own journey in life and not merely be an appendage to another person. Not only does lack of our own journey destroy our soul, but it makes others think they have the right to treat us as subhuman.

It is very confusing for woman when a culture gives lip service to the sacrifices a woman makes to put a family first, when in reality they despise her for it and do nothing to protect her. So many women hit their 40s worn out and vulnerable and thought to be expendable.

When our children are young, we can be so focused on them and the "family" that we lose ourselves, especially when we are surrounded by lip service that says any sense of female self is selfish. Men and most children are encouraged to have a sense of individuality and personal journey, but moms are often not allowed, never mind encouraged, the same thing. many of us are encouraged to be a living sacrifice. We get used to only having a life of leftovers and scraps. Our every choice and decision is AROUND the choices others made first.

As I said earlier it all starts with waking up and knowing the truth. Women have value and the right to a journey. They do not always need to put others first. They have a right to a piece of the first portion, not just the leftovers.

[Emerald]

I have some good news that hopefully will last. DH has really changed his tune lately. This ice storm kind of topped it off. He knows that we would have been in a bad situation if it wasn't for me preparing. We were very comfortable without power for a week and he knows that I am the one that made that possible. He works seasonally being in construction and usually tries to take off during the coldest part of the year. He has been off work since right before Christmas and was not helping at home at all. I work all day, get the kids to practice/ballgames, come home to cook & clean while he basically did whatever he wanted all day. I had had enough & told him something better change. So, he is working on shelving for my pantry right now because I told him if he didn't then he wasn't going to be going to another tractor pull until it was done. Since we got the power back on 4 days ago, he has actually done most of the laundry and washed dishes after supper. I am in shock. Now, I know this probably won't last, but I am going to enjoy it while it does. He has been treating me with a lot more respect and courtesy too, so I am seeing a silver lining from this storm. Hopefully, we can continue working together and continue on in this way.

[Terri]

WOW!

Enjoy and may the two of you live in peace and industry!

[Bootz]

Sometimes men will change how they see you, when you change how you see you. When you value yourself, others around you are more likely to value you. I'm happy for you.

[swedishfish]

Im right there with you emerald. My fiancee and I do not share the same interests on so many levels. Since I have been getting into the preparedness and self reliant home style she hasn't been overly interested but she really doesn't interfere with it. Im a nervous person by nature so I think she knows I need to keep busy with preparing the house or I get grumpy.

the one thing we do not see eye to eye on is guns in the house. this is the odd thing. I grew up without guns and she grew up surrounded by hunters and gun collectors. Now the situation is a complete flipflop. I am interested in guns ( as they really are a natural progression of self sustaining) and she is opposed to them. We were able to compromise by making sure the ammo and weapons were secure from the kids and that it wouldn't pound the savings account.

I feel I am very lucky that we found each other, but I cannot say that we will ever be passionate about the same 'stuff' anytime soon. We are both so independent that its amazing we have been together so long :)

[Padre]

He makes the mortgage payment and you pay all the bills but you are the one paying down the mortgage? You are the one bearing the brunt of the responsibility for the children that HE brought into the marriage? You make 4 times more money than he does! Sounds to me like this guy went to heaven without having to die. While you are going through hell. One thing you should not feel obligated to do is finance his selfish behavior.

[momma_to_seven_chi]

My answer is going to be really, really unpopular, BUT I am more fundamentally conservative than most people due to my Christian background and education.
When you married this man, you entered covenant before God. Don't break it. *Don't complain, just pray. *Let him run the family. Even Sarah called Abraham lord. That is God's plan, woman came from man not man from woman. *Jezebel vs Ahab covenants are always in turmoil. *A wise woman builds her house while a foolish woman tears it down. If he were abusive physically then leave for safety. *But just because your vision doesn't match his is no reason to leave or even to grumble. *Believe it or not, that is sin. Chances are you had a jezebel-ahab relationship even before marriage. It is not your right nor your job to lead this man into your vision. When you agreed before the marriage about your vision, who did all the talking? *Who led the conversation about the future? *Who suggested the farm, the kids, and everything else? *Who took leadership? Who takes leadership now? *Why does he feel he has to "hide" buying a car or anything else? Who is really the head of this marriage?
A wise woman builds her house while a foolish woman tears it down with her hands. *Be wise. *It doesn't matter who makes more money. *It doesn't matter who came with children. Let him have is vision. *Ask him to tell you HIS vision, write it down, read it, and you run with HIS vision. That is just the biblical order of marriage. And you trust God to grow up your husband into the man that He wants him to be. Your ideas of a "perfect" man might not be God's idea. And a house divided against itself cannot stand. Be wise. The marriage you are describing right now is very much out of order. He should be the leader. He should never have to hide anything from you. And it should be his vision that is "run with".

[Emerald]

I am certain that you mean well and I know that you are not aware of all the facts of my relationship. But for you to suggest that just because I am a woman and wife that I should allow my husband, the man, to do, say & act in any way he sees fit is absurd. If he were acting in accordance with the scripture & teachings of the bible as head of the household then I could see your point. My point was that "we" had agreed on the type of lifestyle we wanted and the things "we" wanted to do for over two years before we married and now "he" has changed his mind. Maybe I am misunderstanding your post and I apologize if this is so, but I am interpreting you to say that simply because he is a man and my husband that I should allow him to buy whatever he wants, even if he isn't earning the money - even if he doesn't want to work. You are telling me that I should not be upset that he has completely changed his ideas on the type of life we live. Because he is a man, I should not have any hopes, desire, or dreams that conflict with his or I am tearing down my house? I am not trying to "wear the pants" in my household. I would be thrilled if he would step up and take some control so I did not have to do everything. Our situation has improved recently, not because I laid down and let him walk all over me, but because I held to my beliefs and without me trying to force anything on him he saw for himself what I was trying to do to improve the life of our family and was grateful for it. I am hopeful that our life will continue to improve as we work together as husband and wife, not as slave & master.

[Terri]

Woman was made from Adams rib, to stand beside him. Not from his head or his feet, to be above or below him.

That being said, everybody has a right to change their mind! Even men! But, I am glad that the two of you came to a compromise!