Naysayers/Family issues/disagreeing

[megintn]

Hey all,

I am new here and didn't find a board that dealt with personal issues..so...
how did any of you handle your family members negative remarks when you first decided to change your lifestyle?


I am being hammered!


From various family members- (my answers in parentheses)

maybe you should rent an apartment to see if you will really like it there (um-we bought 10 ac-kinda committed)

It's too far (ahem--moving from S. FL to SW TN is not that far)

it's too cold (that's what long johns and flannels are for)

there's snakes/there's coyotes/ ( I can shoot and wield a mean machete-got taught that young-and skinned a few snakes patching out the tires with a truck too! LOL)

farming is harder than you think (birthed babies-human ones, goats and calves, had chickens several times, avid gardener)

what are you going to do,there is nothing there (farm)

we'll never see you because:
you have animals
it is planting time
it is harvest time
it is rainy season
it is snowing
the dang sun is out and its too hot..LOL..you get the idea...

My personal take is perhaps they see me realizing a dream and it makes them question why they have not realized their's?

Any thoughts?

Megan in FL soon to be Savannah, TN

[deeker]

Sometimes....the family can be wrong. *I associate only with two of my four siblings when I HAVE to. *And it requires a gun to my head. *The two in question are VERY controlling, self defeating and negative. *

I need none of their input.

Do what you feel is right. *They will get over it, might take a while.

Good luck

Kevin

[Dawgus]

We get the same things here..."why do you do all that work? there are grocery stores ya know", "why would you bake bread, it's cheap?","I hated having chickens when I was a kid" ummm dad, you're 73 and HAD to, we CHOSE to. My wifes sisters are too "uppity" to even come visit and make fun of what we do. My own parents don't understand why we do what we do, or even why we moved alllllllllllllllllll the way to the other side of the county. ::) My sister swares that I would get better results if I had those $200 LL Bean boots.... Your coment about "we'll never see you" reminds me of my mother in law. She doesn't even call here...why? Because " I never know when you're letting those dogs in and out".
Funny thing is, no one turns down vegetables, fruit, jelly, or free eggs, not a one of 'em.
Our dreams are OUR dreams, and not theirs. Do what you want, follow your dreams and live the lives you choose to. Your family may come around, or they may not. At least make sure they know this is what makes YOU happy, and hopefully they'll understand. If not, I'll gladly hand out my in-laws phone numbers so they can swap ;D stories.

[bee_pipes]

Don't know what your family is like, mine's okay. We fought like cats & dogs when we were kids, then pretty much mellowed out as we grew older. Four siblings are doing real well, living in big houses, high powered jobs, etc. All the trappings of prosperity. They like hearing about what we do, but only three of five siblings have made the trip. One just this last thanksgiving. The other two are too scared of snakes and ticks. Man, we got the ticks in May! (as you will see this May). You get through it. Dogs are a big help with snakes - man, they love their snakes. I saw two of them catch a chicken snake and stretch it between them like a piece of taffy! What a hoot! Mom visited - she's okay with it, but she's getting along in years and doesn't walk too good. Maybe I'll get her an off-road rascal. Because of her health, she prefers a more metropolitan setting with the resources, medical facilities and entertainment. I can't begrudge her that - she grew up on a farm. She did love having fresh eggs, sausage and blueberry hotcakes while she was here. She's a reader too - this is a good place to decompress from living in Atlanta.

One sister and her two girls love the place and have been here three times or more. The youngest niece is fascinated with the idea of turning a chicken into dinner and keeps at me to slaughter a chicken with her. I think she'll be living with us when she becomes a teenager - I can see her and her mom bumping heads when she gets to that age. They like it and look forward to visits as a vacation. We're cheaper than six flags, the girls sleep at night because they're tired, they eat good, and we have a chance to show them something besides the canned, preprocessed life they lead in Atlanta.

Another sister, the one that visited for the first time last thanksgiving, was real careful to time it when snakes and ticks had run their course for the year. She lives in Indianapolis. Really got a kick out of how quiet it is and how bright the skies are at night.

The two brothers are over achievers, bless their hearts. Big houses, high powered jobs, nice families. I don't know that our standard of living is quite up to what they are used to, but that's okay. If they ever make the trip out, they'll be welcomed.

My wife and I used to do a lot of recreational traveling before we settled down here. It was our escape from work and the suburbs. Lots of camping, lots of paddling on the waterways of Tennessee, and plenty of aimless wandering. Sometimes she has concerns I will get too much livestock and commitments to allow us to travel and visit her family (they have all been here to visit). We have good neighbors and do know a few folks that would do it as a job for a reasonable fee.

I got a bad habit of traveling and moving around from being in the service - never thought I'd settle down. Was never really excited except when moving to a new part of the country. Since we've moved here, I resent anything that takes me away. There's too much to do and I'm too interested in trying new things here. We've got the poultry down, seem to have four hives humming along, the sawmill is running and making lumber for a shed and goat barn, next is rabbits and goats.

Life just keeps getting better. Any family is welcome to visit. If they choose not to, no hard feelings. We keep an email ope each month and add to it day to day, then send it out at the end of the month. They get one each month, and I think we're doing a better job keeping in touch with them than they do with us.

Don't sweat it meginfl, things will work out just the way they are supposed to.

Pat waving back to you from Perry County.

[Terri]

They are afraid for you. What you are doing scares them!

They will feel better when a tornado does NOT suck you up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I heard about such things for my adolesence and youg adult hood, and it made me furious. But, my husband was right, they WERE just scared for me! Now that I have survived owning an acre of land in the middle of no-where, Kansas, they admire my place when they come!

It took a few years, actually. As in "Yes, Mom, we DO take tornados seriously" and "There is an emergency snow route half a mile away, so we are not cut off long when we get a big snow fall".

Etc.

Edited to add: I am having a BLAST! ;D And, my folkss were just visiting for a week. My parents helped us get the ceiling in on the new potting shed. It was FUN! :D

[leera]

My family and friends are the same way.....

I don't really care what they think,they'll get over it eventually.

My brother used to think I was nuts with all my planters full of tomatoes,squash,etc......but guess what,he's doing it now......neither of us has a space for a regular garden where we each live now.

We(hubby and I) haven't gotten to our dream yet,but we're still working on it.

As long as the disagreeing family member isn't living with you,I see no reason to worry about how they feel.

What you want is different than what they want,and they can't speak for you.Follow your gut feeling,and keep going for you dreams.

[LeatherneckPA]

meg, from reading your post I'd say you already have the answer in your head. It's what you want to do. It's not for everybody.

My brother, Kenny, bought up 7 acres with a house 10 years ago. He hasn't done a thing with any of it, except mow his yard. He just didn't want his neighbors too close. LOL, two years ago some guy bought up a bunch of land at the end of his road and put in a dirt bike/ATV race track. Kenny doesn't even like being home when they are practicing or racing.

Jack is one of those "over-achiever" types. I think he'd die of shame if he were ever not first in his class/group at anything. Made it to full-bird Colonel in the USMC before he retired. He's got one of those 6-figure salaries in San Diego. Claims he shares my dream of owning a farm. Turns out his idea of a "farm" is a huge fenced boarding facility for horses somewhere in KY (his fiance's idea). Jack says it's fantastic. Big money in boarding horses. LOL, yeah, right!!

ME? I'm more in your frame of mind. Looking at 8-20 acres in the country where I can raise my own clean meats and not hear more than a dozen cars all day.

Stick to your dream. They'll either come to respect you and your dream, or they won't. You'll never make them all happy. What matters is that you be happy doing what you want.

[fnfredux]

Seems to me they are talking more about what THEY want than what YOU want.
Do it you won't regret it, and even if you do, (regret it) this isn't the 13th century, you CAN leave the "land" you won't be "bound" to it.
I live absolutely in the boonies on a gravel road with animals and all the "fun" things you will discover about real country life. If you have never lived without all the convienences, it may be a little difficult in the beginning, you'll need a different mindset, nothing happens too fast, annoying when you're getting set up, but just fine when you're set.
What motivates most people isn't desire, it's fear, so they will always have a difficult time understanding WHY you would opt for (what seems to them) a frightening lifestyle that requires unlimited demands on you personal strength and determination.
Just one thing I would reccomend, live on your land in a camper or some such thing before you actually build. Then you can truly pick out the BEST site for your house. You'll be able to see where water pools, where it's high and dry, where the best views are, etc. We owned our land for 10 years before we finally built (lived in town). That would be another option (no not 10 years) but rent close and build at a more leisurely pace...OR shop the GVT auctions and see if you can pick up a cheap trailer...
Just don't let fear (or others fears) stop you.
This country wasn't built by wimps.

[WRTN]

Megin,

Looks like we are going to be neighbors. *This is an absolutely BEAUTIFUL area........God's Country for sure. *

Prepare yourself for the hidden paradox that dissapoints and in many cases runs off some. *

You are moving VERY close to and join the area I call the "rectum of the south". *

How can I say such a thing? *After you live here for a bit, it will be made VERY CLEAR to you that you are an "OUTSIDER" by the "locals". *I prefer to see it as them as the outsider since this post almost purely and TOTALLY describes most locals:

http://www.backwoodshome.com/forum/yabb/forum.pl?board=per-singles;action=display;num=1229962259;start=0#0

Real self sufficient people have a moral compass and look after their neighbors as well as do their best to do the right thing. *

If I may be so bold as to offer a bit of advice summed up by an annonymous writer:

"There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore and who always will. So, don't worry about people from your past because there is a reason they didn't make it to your future"

Welcome them into your future. *It is their loss should they decline. *Be strong and don't let the "locals" poison your dream. *The truly important things are worth fighting for. *

Expect some big disappointments but keep the goal in sight. * A few good friends and neighbors make all the difference. *

Good luck and best wishes with your move. *

[Duchesse]

They're JEALOUS because you have the guts to live your dream. * :D

Don't listen to anything they say unless they are giving you a good organic gardening, frugal living, or animal husbandry book recommendation. ;D

I know I don't speak for everyone but, I don't know anyone in my circle of friends, family or acquaintances that are happy with their jobs. *They complain everyday. *Some have even admitted to "murderous thoughts and feelings" *LOL ;D toward their supervisors. *Many are sick with High Blood Pressure, heart disease, diabetes, nervous/emotional/mental/addictive disorders, and I know two who survived colon cancer. All of these ailments are caused by stress as well as other risk factors of course. *

As for being WAAAAAAY out there in the country :-/, PLEASE! :P.

I live on a block that has twenty houses. *10 on each side. *I speak to three neighbors. *Everyone else just holds their head straight as if their neck is broken. *Even if you say hello, *they don't. *ALL of my family and friends say the same thing. *UNFRIENDLY is not the word for NYC. *Some even mention that OUT THERE you can't get help. *If the truth be told no one helps you here either, they just watch while you fall on your face or stick their foot out to make sure that you do. * Just recently a man was beaten with a hammer on a crowded train. *You should have seen the "help" getting out of the way. :'(

I live in NYC at this time but I'm heading for my 10 acres in NC. *8)

Don't let anyone fool you with their lies. *THEY'RE MISERABLE >:( and they don't want you to be happy. *

* Go for it girl! ;)


And tell the naysayers to *STFU. :-X

[MNMOM]

Don't let anyone keep you from your dream! There will always be the naysayers, and I wish you luck in your new venture.

You can always come to this forum when you have questions, there's always someone that can help you.

[TNDadx4]

Follow your dreams. We moved here (TN) from FL 6 years ago. Our families still harbor a bit of resentment for it, but we couldn't be happier. We all tend to visit on occasion (every year or two), but wouldn't trade it.

Anyway, welcome to the forum and best of luck to you!

[macgeoghagen]

I should consider myself lucky. My mom, dad, brother, sister, all support my homestead plan. most of them will join me. My wife is the only dissenter. She is attached to civilization.

[stilltryinat50]

Megan,

Follow your dream and don't listen to the naysayers. And as far as the "locals" are concerned....yes I guess they/we can be a bit clannish, but hard-working, respectable people are always welcome. And as far as the drug/alcohol problems....well, they are no worse than I have seen anywhere else in the nation.

You are moving to a town not very far from where I was born and grew up. And Bee Pipes isn't far from there now.

The very best of luck to you and your family. Welcome and you will like it there.

Deb

[megintn]

Wow! Thanks for everyone's input! Now I'll ramble back....

Been moving a grown child off to college. getting this ol' money pit ready to sell and haven't been on here in weeks.. .

most family has come around..one hold out who lives on the property here..of course she is worried where she is supposed to go since I am selling my house, which happens to also include her house....sad and hard decision there...

our land in TN is slightly hilly, max elevation looks like 530' on the west side from topo maps and around 500' on the east side with a natural gully and spring in between the two rises. There are 2 springs on it that were evident when we walked as far as we could in mid Dec. We are five miles out of Savannah, TN off route 69.

To the poster here about maybe being neighbors, come on over..I'll cook for ya! We will be off of Jones, out past the airport.

As far as people treating us like outsiders, well, I have to disagree.

We met the nicest people at the fire station, at the court house, at Doris Diner, at Maggie Monday's at the Savannah Tractor Supply, the chain, and at the Savannah tractor supply- THE real hardware/seed/plumbing supply-most anything you'd need and NOT have to patronize the big box store...at the discount shoe store, Hardin County Bank...pretty much everywhere we went.

I am sure we will run across a few people who don't like anyone new coming into THEIR town, but we are simple,peaceful, private people too. Don't mess with me and I won't mess with you. Mr. Moss is the boss.

The funniest repeated statement was ..."How did you find Savannah, TN?"..same answer...searched the region for the friendliest town with a low population, low crime, decent weather, affordable land...poof..Savannah.

I think being treated as an outsider comes partly from ACTING like an outsider...I don't expect everyone in a small town to like me or accept me into their circle of friends, but hey,if I am decent to you, be decent to me.

I will gladly hand over my hard earned dollars, or my eggs or herbs or veggies.... to the person who is kind and decent, rather than a cold person at the big box....I am adamant about supporting local business over chains, no matter where you live! Maybe I am an oddball, but I do not think it is something to be proud of when Wally World comes to your town.

We are not moving to be isolationists, we are moving to get back to a rural,simpler lifestyle, where I look out for you and you look out for me. Where I grow most of my own food and so do you. Where I may grow something to offset what you grow, and we trade...bushel of tomatoes for a pound of Quinoa anyone? You get the idea.

I miss that type of neighbor (what I grew up with)....if I have extra tomatoes or eggs, and you have a piece of equipment I need, I'll trade ya a dozen eggs and a home cooked spaghetti dinner for one hour of equipment or some thing along those lines.

I am not a city girl thinking of a romanticized , happy little farm. Animals get sick, they have trouble birthing, they die. Crops fail. Critters get in your food storage, roads can be less than ideal...mud, rocks, wash outs...I am definitely optimistic and just a little on the outside of normal, whatever that is.

We have a house plan (YAY) using a lot of passive solar and some photo voltaics..we HOPE to be able to dig a basement and root cellar...depending on soil and MUD....been a wet winter in SW TN!

March is our goal to get outta here! We will live in our motor home while we prep the home site. Plan on clearing 3 acres in the middle of the ten ..one for food crops,one for cover/forage for goats and chickens, the other for view. I might even venture out here in lala land and find a place to post pics and bore everyone with the minutia of our project.

Megan in FL, for now.

[huckelberry]

i divorced myself from my family over such foolishness,that might be too severe for some people.but i still remember pops saying...caint never did nothin...he was right...huck

[fnfredux]

Wow! Thanks for everyone's input! Now I'll ramble back....
Been moving a grown child off to college. getting this ol' money pit ready to sell and haven't been on here in weeks.. .



We are not moving to be isolationists, we are moving to get back to a rural,simpler lifestyle, where I look out for you and you look out for me. Where I grow most of my own food and so do you. Where I may grow something to offset what you grow, and we trade...bushel of tomatoes for a pound of Quinoa anyone? You get the idea.

I miss that type of neighbor (what I grew up with)....if I have extra tomatoes or eggs, and you have a piece of equipment I need, I'll trade ya a dozen eggs and a home cooked spaghetti dinner for one hour of equipment or some thing along those lines.






Megan in FL, *for now.

megan, I grew up in CT, and you know, the best part of great neighbors there was it was never a "trade". In those days nobody wanted to feel "beholden" so it you did a favor you got a favor, or home baked pie or a dinner invite, if you gave produce, you can bet that a favor would come your way. My neighbors wathced out for my kids and I watched out for theirs. the older folks that had no kids, I sent my kids to shovel their walks GRATIS, and you can bet, I had people lining up to babysit in an emergency, or take care of my dog/plants/garden if we went on vacation etc. We yankees are a different breed. Some folks think stiff necked and too independent. But the secret really was that we were all very INTERDEPENDENT, almost like a big extended family. I miss that.
You may find friendly neighbors (I hope so), but unless you grew up somewhere in the same region, don't expect it ever to be like it was where you grew up.
Happy moving! Hope your "money pit" sells soon, and you can join your body to your heart out there in TN.

[Magnificent_Madame]

Keep it simple. "This is something I want to do. It is important to me to try. If it doesn't work out, I can always return to the city.'

As for visiting, they can always visit you.

Just keep saying it over and over. And realize they may never support you.

[WileyCoyote]

LOL Love this!!! ;D

For 20 years DH and I told everyone what we were aiming for. Everyone thought we were crazy, or like James Garner in "Support your Local Gunfighter" -'moving to Australia" but never moving, really.

Well, we finally did. By then our children were all grown. The oldest applauded, but frankly told us he was worried about our abilities. (Apparently we are VERY old and frail. ::) ) The second son was angry - he didn't want us to do what he had always wanted to do but even when he had the chance, didn't. Our daughter believed devoutly for six months that we were going to quit and come back. She even insisted on staying in the old house so we wouldn't sell it and have no place to come back to!

My other friends were completely non-supportive, and the aquaintances were worse - downright vicious, sarcastic, and mean, with a "Who do you think you are?" attitude.
They all thought we had lost our little minds. They couldn't understand why we couldn't just buy 'right up the road' and still be involved in their petty day-to-day - and they were insulted that we didn't WANT to live their way, forever; going to Wal-Mart every other day, buying all the newest adult toys, eating at all of the expensive restaurants, and trying to outdo each other.

What really pisses them off is that we did what we wanted to, what we planned to, when we had the chance - and that we love it, are blissfully happy, and do not regret it. Their emails and IMs have fallen off almost completely. They cannot understand what happiness we have in what we do, any more than we can understand how what they do can afford them any real pleasure. Of course with the recent fiscal downturns, many of them have lost their jobs, or have had to downsize - and they don't know how, and are resentful and angry that their lifestyles are curtailed. This makes our happiness seem like a schmack in the face to them. What makes us think WE deserve to be happy when they are not? Why aren't WE terrified that we will become supernumerary and useless and hungry and have to do without?

Our kids have come to an understanding - sort of - and the rest of the family either has no idea where we are (safer that way - they are parasites) or couldn't care less. My 'friends' I do miss but not as terribly as I thought; I have made new friends and am having so much fun here. Their fading into the sunset waas exactly what I had expected.

Just recently I DID get an IM from an old friend who saw me online. She and another friend were talking, and he told her - "Y'know, it looks like 'Wiley' had the right idea all along!" They agreed that I really had known what was going to happen, and had done the smartest thing possible.

[DM]

You guys are talking about just moveing down the road a bit... ::)

I grew up on a farm and hunting/fishing and the homestead life style has been very easy for me. In fact, i've not known any other way... I'm very goal orientated, and i get very focused to obtain those goals...

When i decided to make my move, i packed up what little i owned, put a camper on my pu, and moved away, 4,500 miles to Alaska... When i got there, i had $221.00 in my pocket and a pickup payment... I didn't know anyone there, i didn't have a job or anything else...

Most folks said i'd be back in a few months, some even gave me up to 2 years... Well, i stayed 25 years... Then one day i decided to move back onto the farm i grew up on, and that's where i am today...

Both moves were EXCELENT for me, and i'm very happy to have done exactly what i did...

DM

[bookwormom]

don't worry your head over naysayers. In my case the people are wondering if I am crazy to want to work this hard. My godmother said, but why do you want to do this if you donot have to. she milked 4 cows by hand for decades, I guess she did not love her way of life. she quit breadbaking the moment she did not have to. Well, we do like it. I ask them, what else would we do? (Watch TV like they) My brother was here for a month,, he would have liked to stay longer, his wife was glad to get away. My husband's cousin says that is what God created Wal mart for, so she does not have to garden. Just stay out of mine.

[WileyCoyote]

Ummm...no... we moved 1700 miles away to a place that six months before we didn't even know existed!! (OK, the State but not the area, or even the county!) ;D

God didn't create Wal Mart, I think it was the Other Guy... :o

[catrules]

My husband and I were just having the discussion this morning at breakfast about getting out into the country with 5-10 acres. I have visions of animals, an orchard, and a big garden with my own little stand at the farmer's market some day. He's on board, but he grew up on a farm. And actually the rest of my family is pretty much for it. My brother and his wife are vegetarian and organic, but are both pretty young, and not quite to the place where I can see them being able to homestead. But I think that they will one day.

My friends and coworkers give me a hard time however. It is mostly just good natured. One of them calls me mother nature, and the other calls me a dirty hippie. However, I keep talking about it and trying to get other people to see how easy it is to make small chanages toward self reliance. I have already taught folks at work about canning, and I have given knitting a sewing lessons to co workers. One person at a time right?

[pcrowder]

megin - You have to do what YOU want to do. They want to live your life for you because it's just a part of some peoples' nature. We had the same type of thing with us, and we just basically ignored everyone, and moved anyway. It was the best thing to happen to us! We live on 40+ acres and have lived here for 4-1/2 years. When we got out here there were 2 chickens the previous owners left behind, and nothing else. We now have 4 sheep, 9 dairy goats, 5 meat goats, 2 dairy cows, 50+ bred Angus, LGDs, 2 draft mules, 3 horses, 100+ chickens, ducks, geese, and turkeys. Some of the family gives us grief about it, but mostly they all like to use our place as a "bed and breakfast/vacation getaway". Seems like they couldn't be bothered to come visit us even once when we lived in the city (for 30 years) but now that we live very very rural, they all seem to beat a path to our door! My advice is to just IGNORE. No matter what you do, they'll find fault. Just do what you want to do, and when you go to bed at night, you can lie there and feel fulfilled and contented. Believe me, there is no better feeling in the world than being happy! Best of luck to you, but I think you'll do just fine! ;D