Took back control an marked my territory!

[RocketMan]

I've been having some issue's with family members taking advantage of my good will, namely my brother.
Since I'm not living on the homestead just yet, he has been spending weekends there and checking on things for me and mowing the grass when needed. He called me a week ago to tell me that the belt broke on the garden tractor. He made no attempt at all to try and fix it, he just left it for me. So I got a little upset about that and decided to make a surprise visit. I found the mower belt shredded, the mower deck so full of grass that it almost caught on fire, the chainsaw blade was so dull it wouldn't even cut a 4 inch piece of wood, and I hauled off 6 lawn and garden sized bags of trash, beer bottles, etc. The 5 gallon can of gas that I sent him money to fill up was empty, the garbage can for the house was on the front porch...it was just a total mess.
So, I have taken back control of things now. I cleaned, fixed the mower, sharpened the chainsaw and mower blades, rearranged MY house to my standards, and let him know that this will not be tolerated. I did not fill the gas can since I figured if there's no gas, he can't screw up the mower anymore, and I'll just do it myself. I feel so taken advantage of. I wanted to share the place and let him enjoy it as much as I do, but if he's not going to take responsibility for things and just take it for granted, then I don't need his help. I'll drive 320 miles down there myself to mow the grass. At least I know it will be done right. I can't believe my own family would take advantage of me like that. I had to go down there and mark my territory, and I think he gets the idea without me saying a word.

[madmac]

Happens a lot. Is he working or just living off your goodwill. I ask as in my opinion if you are so kind as to let him live their, he should be the one buying gas as well as feeling pretty lucky about having a place to stay. We took care of a neighbors place back years ago as they went to another country for several months. It was great. Our lot was right next door and it made things pretty easy on us having a place to stay while we built our own. They were very pleased when the got home to see things in good order. Hopefully your brother will see the light and have a little more respect for the land and your generousity. If not use the right boot and send him sailing off to some place new. Good Luck

[RocketMan]

No, actually he's living with my 79 year old Mother...for free. He just spends weekends at the property supposedly "helping me out" by mowing the grass.
You hit the nail on the head. Most people would have the common courtesy to take care of things when someone is being generous enough to let them stay at your place, even if it might be just the weekends. I actually gave him a small hunting cabin that is on the property and told him he could do whatever he wanted with it. Now I'm starting to question that. I'll tell you one thing, the right boot was on and tied this weekend, and he came real close to getting it. lol

[Terri]

It sounds like that is where he goes to party. And, I have never heard of a neat party house!

When you are donw there next, I would reccommend hiring somebody no mow. And, as a person with a mooching in-law, I STRONGLY reccomend that you visit often the next couple of months, 'cause the lack of a place for him to get drunk is going to HURT!!!

[WileyCoyote]

Rocketman, are we related? ;D That sounds like something my middle brother would do ::) - family, friends, it doesn't matter to people like that - they take and take, and expect others to appreciate them for their mere existence. (Were we REALLY related, I'd be going down to see how he was "taking care" of Mom, too!!) :o He'll probably be mad at you and tell everyone in the family what a louse you are for kicking him off the property. I'd check on and probably rescind that whole 'hunting cabin' thing, too - sounds like a perfect setup for him to not only take advantage of you, but find a way to "punish" you for banning him!

But yeah, first rule - expect no appreciation. Then when you get it, it is a pleasure and a joy... the best thing if you can't be there all of the time is to hire someone to keep an eye on things and do the work; maybe even rent it out formally to someone who would trade work on the property for PARTIAL rent reimbursement. We rented a house from a dear sweet lady; rebuilt the kitchen, repainted, redid the bathroom plumbing and most of the lighting fixtures - and we worked it out dollar for dollar. We had raised the property value $15,000 when she sold it after we moved out! A young, mechanically minded couple might be your best bet... Just walk the property with any potential renters first and see their reactions - "if they say stuff like "We could..." or "I would..." and seem excited, they are probably a good investment.

[RocketMan]

"I'd be going down to see how he was "taking care" of Mom, too!!"

Wiley, that was the second part of my suprise visit! ;D And from what I could tell, he's taking advantage of that too. His excuse for not being able to help Mom out with money was "By the time I make my car payment and insurance I got nothin left." Ummm, I thought that was only once a month you had to pay those, and so does just about everyone else in the world!
He appreciated the cabin at first, but he's done nothing with it (I think he's waiting for me to do something or give him everything for it) and would rather trash my place. The real issue here is that he just needs to have a little common courtesy and contribute a little more.
Anyway, I did let him know that I cannot support myself, my daughter going to college, Mom, and him. He's a big boy now (40 years old) and he needs to figure it out for himself. Hey, if the job you have is not paying the bills, then either find a different job or get a second job to make it work. There was a time when I was full-time military, worked a part-time job, and went to college at the same time, so I don't wanna hear it. :o
Isn't that what they call "tough love?"

[Cil]

Rocketman, I'd double check to make sure that your brother is not doing anything "funky" with mom's finances. I've seen it before with my own family member. My late aunt's [dad's SIL] brother was actually stealing from their mother until she put a stop to it.

[Terri]

Rocketman, I'd double check to make sure that your brother is not doing anything "funky" with mom's finances. I've seen it before with my own family member. My late aunt's [dad's SIL] brother was actually stealing from their mother until she put a stop to it.

Come to think of it, so was my mooching in-law.

MIL now has me as part owner of her checking account, which means that I now get a monthly bank statement. That means that this time I will see any large and funny checks that are written.

And, I am seriously considering taking out a credit reporting service for her, so that I will be notified if somebody takes out a credit card in her name.

[WileyCoyote]

One thing it is difficult to check on - insurance. I've known morticians in small towns who took out insurance on town derelicts "to pay for the funeral". While many insurance company reps are honest and decent, it doesn't take much to convince some of them to get Mom to sign a hefty insurance policy - with the loving relative as beneficiary. It looks like a legitimate expense, but may not be. Then it is just a matter of time. Wills are also easily changed, particularly if the elderly relative can be made to feel guilty or overprotective of the poor pathetic ne'er do well. Again, then it's just a matter of time - improper food, missed doctor's appointments or having several doctors who are not aware of the other doctors advice and prescriptions, too many prescriptions; the elderly are easily manipulated.

When we got the responsibility of Mother, she had 3 doctors and 27 prescriptions! I sent her to a geriactic practitioner friend of mine, who cut her prescriptions down to 7 and got her reoriented, but the drugs had taken their toll - they react differently in the elderly, can cause emotional, mental, and physical deterioration with interactions.

If he's 40 he won't learn responsibility, respect for others, or courtesy at this late date. As long as his type has someone to take care of them, they have no reason and no desire to change.

[Cil]

Come to think of it, so was my mooching in-law.

MIL now has me as part owner of her checking account, which means that I now get a monthly bank statement. That means that this time I will see any large and funny checks that are written.

And, I am seriously considering taking out a credit reporting service for her, so that I will be notified if somebody takes out a credit card in her name.

That is a excellent idea. Do it! Better safe than very, very sorry.

[Southerngirl]

Sorry to hear of your brother being like that, but it's more and more common. Sad though.
I agree with the other statements, check to see if he is "draining" your mom's funds so he can sit back and not get a job or spend his money how he wants.
Also sorry you have to drive so far to get to your property, any chance of you moving there anytime soon? Maybe mom could use your help! Just a thought!
Also have relatives like this, but they are my in laws. Anything they can get from us, they get. They don't care if it leaves us with nothing, they would take our last breathe if they could!
Southerngirl

[RocketMan]

I won't be able to move there for another two or three years with the job I have, but my sister is keeping an eye on Mom's finances. I don't think he would go that low to steal from Mom, but he doesn't help her out with anything either, he's just freeloading from her. Now he's starting to do it with me, and I ain't having none of that!!! That's why I say "Thanks for the help on the property, but I'll take care of it now." If you want something done right...
I have been helping them both with money, but it's now coming down to the point where I can't help both, so he's gonna have to take care of himself. He has a job making $7.50 an hour, all he pays is his car payment and car insurance, and all he does is complain that he has no money!? I've known people who raised a family on less than that! I love them all, they are family, but you're right when you say they'll take your last breathe if they could. Then they'll leave you on the side of the road when they are done. I can't wait to disappear to my homestead!

[Terri]

Rocket man, if he is an alcoholic or an addict he will.

Whenever an addict feels a bad feeling, they take another hit and it goes away. So, they have no feeling of right and wrong.

When my SIL was younger she was my friend, and she would help the suffering etc.

As she got older and the drugs took a bigger hold, it was "She does not need this right now and I do" and so she used her Mother shamefully. And, when her Mother DID need it, it was no longer there.

[Suzy]

sad to say but I wouldn't trust him around your mother too much...even if he can't get ahold of her "finances" things might simply "disappear" like jewelry, electronics, silverware, and other things he is pawning to buy alcohol, cigarettes, drugs or whatever!

it's sad to think about family members who do this but it seems just about every family has someone like this.

best wishes! hope you can get to your land sooner than two to three years....I know visits just aren't good enough!