Homestead mixed marriage

[Steve_L]

What do you do if you're of the homestead faith, and your spouse is of the urban faith?

Every time I mention good land for sale, my wife finds a million things wrong with it until I'm sorry I even brought it up. :'(

[DM]

You kick yourself in the @$$ for not working out these details BEFORE you say "i do"... lol

DM

[wy0mn]

Fight for it, if its that important to you. Set her down & say "this is who I am, this is what I need" then let her make a choice.
Sounds heartless as heck, but you'll find out whether 'her' urban lifestyle takes precedence over you, then plan accordingly.
My wife & I sold a farm I owned before I met her. WE agreed that WE wanted to be more self sufficient and made a drastic move, from TN to WY; to make it happen!
(Wind/solar availability, taxes, solitude, land prices...)
When WE arrived here and she saw a couple of real winters she wanted to buy a house in town, so WE did; but... I've let her know that I fully intend to build on, and move on to, our 'remote' property. I told her point blank that I didn't sell a farm I owned outright to live in any town, not even one as small as Medicine Bow WY!
WE still love one another fiercely, and aren't even considering disolving the marriage; WE'll split our time between the two properties as best WE can.
Now with the apparent forthcoming collapse of our oil based economy, she is gradually turning back toward what WE originally planned.
Social inSecurity will not be an option for us when we are older. All we can rely upon is ourselves and any piddling retirement plans that isn't robbed from us like the folks from Enron & others suffered.
Yup, you've noticed, its a WE thing! Work at it, explain the benefits long & short term, as well as any drawbacks or problem areas. Be 100% open & honest.
Make it happen.

[elh]

when we were first married my wife wanted to live on top of the grocery store. I wanted to live as far from town as possible we bought a house and 9 lots on the edge of town. then we moved further out to 15 acres,now after 34 years together we live 1 mile from the neighbor and love all of it .Hope things work out.

[annabella1]

I have the opposite problem my husband grew up on a great farm, but now wants nothing to do with farming. All I can think of is how to get some land and grow more things. Unfortunately his health is not good enough and I need to take care of mom, so here we are in this urban environment, and I am making do. I homestead with what I have and keep looking for ways to get ahead.

[lostinthewoods]

Do you have a life insurance policy on her? ;)

There's more than one way to skin a cat!

Now seriously, I would whien her into the homesteading thing easily. You could start by taking her to a nice remote cabin (with all the amminities) for a weekend away and show her that even though you are out in the sticks that the "city" must stay completely out of reach.

lost

[Terri]

DH and I have had a "mixed marriage" for a very long time! And, we have been happy.

Basically, we live a few blocks away from a major road into town: it is just on the other side on the one-lane bridge: The one surrounded by trees that goes over the creek.

Every morning he goes off to his job, and I take care of the home place. I would have LIKED a bit more land, but this close to town we could only afford 1 acre.

On it I have placed a home made greenhouse, bee hive/s, garden, fruit trees, blackberries, chickens, and Christmas trees.

Did I mention this place is a little small? we have bought 5.5 acres outside of town, intending to develope it into a larger homestead, but my health failed first. I no longer work, so there is not money for culverts and building and such. Though, I DID get asparagus and such started! I am experimenting with squash out there, also. Like the first place, it is close to a major road.

I go to the 5.5 acres about once a week, while DH goes in to work and brings home a paycheck and provides us with insurance.

For us, it works. He even LIKES living out here, just as long as there is an easy commute to his job!!!!!!! He rarely goes outside, and I do NOT expect him to help me with homesteading, but that is OK. I knew he was a city boy when I married him!

[kawalekm]

Hi Steve
Yes, my own wife had a very similar attitude toward buying land. Years ago though her own family had a piece of family land in a growing suburban area that was too small to be practically divided amongst all the family members. They came up with the great idea of making a small suburban housing development with about 20 houses on the property. Each family member got title to one of the houses, and the rest were sold on the open market. The profits from selling the remainder of the houses essentially paid for giving each brother and sister a house, free!

This is when I sprung my trap. I said to my wife "If only we had a piece of property, we could do this also some day!". Of course, I had no intention what-so-ever to ever build a housing development, but at that point my wife saw the real value in owning land. I started shopping for a remote, rural property to start our homestead and we bought our 50 acres in 2004.

I still had a lot of resistance to many things though. She asked, why do we want a wood stove? Why are we planting so many trees? Why did we have to get the most remote parcel? However, as energy costs continue to go up, as food supplies continue to drop, and as we start to hear about unrest in far-away places, my wife starts to realize just what a good thing we have. I try not to ever use the word survivalist around my wife, but she is finally getting the idea of how important our homestead might be for our future.

You can do the same thing Steve. Wait till you see someone profitably developing some land and propose the idea to your wife. Not in the sense that you immediately want to start a development, but the land ownership gives you opportunities that other people will never have. Market it to her as a long term investment. It is one after all isn't it?
Michael

[12vman]

I trashed a 9 yr. relationship to be out here.. ;D

[Txanne]

Sometimes as heartless as it seems you gotta do what you gotta do.

But--it is harder by a long shot to find the RIGHT person--way out here--- ;D

What DM said---figure it out before hand.

Txanne

[hardrock]

I trashed a 9 yr. relationship to be out here.. * ;D

7 yrs. here....9yrs. before that.
Just about impossibe to gain any ground when neither party is pullin' in the same direction.

I'd step way back and look at the big picture.
A house is only as good as it's foundation.......

Alot of good can be accomplished when everyone is on the same page, but it can and will become a great struggle if both sides don't have a common vision.
All the best laid plans can fall apart overnight if both your hearts aren't truly in it. (and each other)

I know marriage makes the decision harder and having children makes it harder yet, but if you really feel the overwhelming urge to "go for it", sit down and have a good, honest heart to heart talk with your DW.
Let her know just how important this is to you.

I was faced with the same question a few years back and had to really do some soul searching to find the answer. Luckily, I've never had that dreaded piece of paper to contend with, but the decision was just as hard.

I was overcome with the relentless notion that I must have a "purpose" somewhere outside of just a mindless wobblehead programmed to "consume".
A driving force to create and follow my own dream.
"The life" was calling me.....

Unfortunately, my DGF was quite content to continue slaving away for the almighty dollar, plodding through 12 hr. shifts, supporting her grown kids, collecting grandbabies, turning the tap and flipping the switch, filling the shopping cart, payin' (creating) the bills, trading up, etc.
She just didn't get it. No fault of her own, some people are just hooked on the illusion of "convience and security"......"foreward progress" and all that.
It is a learned way of life that many aren't ready to give up.
Conversely, others are "waking up" to the world around them for the very first time, and just can't be at peace until they bring themselves into allignment with their "purpose".
Things can get a little strained when that happens! ;D
Best of luck!

Like Annie says, "Ya gotta do what ya gotta do."

[flatwater]

What ya got to do is stay the course , you married her for better or worse. Find a comprimise for now and see if it works out.
Flatwater

[Steve_L]

Thanks for all the replies. Food for thought, that's for sure.

Can I buy land without my wife signing?

She's not totally against the idea. She says she's for it. She just seems to be against it when I start talking about a specific piece of property in a specific location.

I mean, if I just bought a property and started moving, what could she do? Okay, she could divorce me, take half my retirement so I can't quite my job, take half my property/force me to sell it as part of the settlement, and slap me with alimony and child support for the rest of my life thus stopping me...
;D Then I'd live in a box in the middle of the street and never be able to quit my my job. Sweet! :o

[nancy1340]

Fight for it, if its that important to you. Set her down & say "this is who I am, this is what I need" then let her make a choice.
Sounds heartless as heck, but you'll find out whether 'her' urban lifestyle takes precedence over you, then plan accordingly.



She could do and say the same thing. Which is more important? Does HIS homesteading life style take precedence over HER. Maybe it's who she is and what she needs.

[Steve_L]

My first choice: Homestead with wife.

My second choice: Work at my job and live in the city until I die.

My last choice: Get divorced, lose my kid and my wife, live in a box as a wage slave. <- Must be avoided at all costs. :-[






She could do and say the same thing. Which is more important? Does HIS homesteading life style take precedence over HER. Maybe it's who she is and what she needs.

[bookwormom]

my heart goes out to you Steve L

I guess your first choice is not a choice if your wife does not go along with it. If she did, how good a homesteader would she be? the simple life aint simple. Have you considered a place close to town with abigger yard? We have had to do it on two acres or so for years and you can do a lot. Now that we have fourty acres and the kids are gone it is almost too much for us.
You can buy a truckload of topsoil, you can add sand to clay soil to lighten it. you can scrounge for composting material. Pick up leave bags in fall, get a small shredder to facilitate quick decay. they may mat down in the garden and take a while. I love sawdust, my mom never bought potting soil, we mixed sawdust with organic fertilizer and let it rot. I take it you have a pickup truck. collect coffee grounds from places that sell coffee, raise rabbits, make a cattle panel greenhouse. Look for grass clippings, I got them from a school and a cemetary. I collected anything that I considered manure that the cow had not eaten. Maybe your wife will get interested. At least you will be making a start. Plant ladino clover instead of a lawn, it is a good soil builder. we just went to an auction in a snazzy sub development. You could not pay me to live there,what got to me was that one lawn ran into the other. If I had to live there I would have to plant a hedge a hedge of rugosa roses on one side, on the other I would have a hedge of blackberries, along the back some kind of arbor with grapes and field fencing behind it to keep people out. You can call me unsocial, I am not , I love having company and feeding people, I just feel I wouldnot have much of a life in such a nothing but lawn setting. Heck, I can go out in my birthday suite and nobody sees me. On the front lawn I would plant fruit trees, especially apples. I would do a lot of vertical gardening, cattle panels, trellises. Your kid will love it, plant a bean teepee. When our kids were kids we lived on two acres and I raised a great deal of what we ate. all the vegetables, potatoes, fruit. I had chickens and eggs, we butchered a couple of rams a year from the five sheep we kept and I raised a few turkeys for the freezer. we lived at the edge of a small town (pop.1200) and nobody took offense of my rooster crowing. the best part was that we had 33 old fruit trees on the premises. we rented and it was cheap because nobody wanted to take care of a place like that. I don't know how old you are, but better to start out small and grow then fall flat. Your wife may decide she likes it. especially when prices keep going up and shortages occur. Oh, and check with the power company about wood chips, I got about five truck loads of them last year. they were glad to unload them on our place. Check with people who keep horses about getting free manure. Consider growing strawbale gardening. a strawbale sells for 3 bucks here, straight off the farm. I would not be beyond putting a sawdust toilet someplace, the garage or whatever and using it. After three years of composting toilet I have fat flower beds, I am thrilled with it. you ought to see the hop vine growing up my porchpost, the black berry vines, passion vines, holly hocks, foxgloves, roses etc. all courtesy of humanure. good luck to you.
Nancy makes a good point. It depends what she is and what her needs are. But when nip comes to tuck her needs will be basic, food, shelter and clothing, and he seems to want to see to it the family has it.

[wy0mn]

Yeah Nancy, I hear ya
but he was speaking of alimony, which tells me she isn't the breadwinner... so HIS choices should take precedence.
Check with a lawyer Steve but I'm thinking that if she won't follow you, the 'abandonment' issue is on her side of the court.

[WileyCoyote]

Gotta be honest here.
Right up front, I married a city boy. Now he is a good man, an honest and decent and hardworking guy - he just didn't understand my whole "growing our own" thing. So for the past 20 years we have lived on 1/3 acre. He wouldn't build me a chicken coop until I went out and got chickens and put them in his broken-down car. Then he discovered how great it was to have our own eggs. He didn't understand all of my growing things in the back and front yards, even fighting the town ordinances to do so, until he tasted the peaches and cherry jam and the fresh vegies cut straight from the yard. He didn't understand my canning everything until he tasted my pickle relish. He had never hunted, didn't like the idea of eating fresh kill, until I fed him some rich and tender meat over which he raved, then told him it was deer. He was still all about upward mobility until he got hurt and couldn't work anymore. Then when I told him about downsizing and showed him properties and told him what we could do - on our own, and for less money - he agreed. I got to research, and I got to pick our new property.

Now he is all about homesteading. He has realized at last that his talents can be used in a much more productive way - rather than working for someone else. He has realized that HE actually has a viable place in a homesteading life, too. Maybe she is afraid of the labor, or the whole woman-in-a-pioneer-dress, man in charge homesteading garbage portrayed in the media. Maybe she is simply - as hubby was - afraid to "give up" on things and does not understand that it is not a 'giving up' but an expansion of the spirit and the self to do these things.

If you love her, communicate these things with her - not the fear of mass destruction and collapse, but the joys of independence and true freedom - and the joyful, together-work that has to go along with it. Overcoming fear is the hardest thing for anyone to do. Show her that there is nothing to fear, that ya'll could actually become closer and better together than she could ever dream possible.

[12vman]

Quote..

"My last choice: Get divorced, lose my kid and my wife, live in a box as a wage slave. <- Must be avoided at all costs."

Work on your kid a little. Let the child experience growing some kind of food plant and eat it. Sweet corn would be a good one or maybe water mellons. Just a large planter full of dirt and some attention could sway the vote some.. ('specially if the kid is on your side..) ;)
~Don

[Terri]

I believe you can buy land by yourslf if you do not try to include yours wifes income?

A realtor would know.

By the way, what is her biggest complaint? You might be able to work around that. DH wanted land that was an easy commute to town, so that is what we did.

If she is afraid you might try to make her a farmer, you might reassure her. DH lives a very city lifestyle: it is just that his home is not located there!

[Steve_L]

Humm. I guess her fears are not unreasonable: she's got health issues and I want to quit my job making $$$ with the wonderful health insurance and move to the boonies away from the good doctors and hospitals. If I retire at 55, I get the company's health insurance until Medicare kicks in, and I can't work past 65 anyway (company policy), so I don't think the health insurance is an issue.

The other big thing is the loss of income. Things are pretty good when I'm working; she's a stay at home mom. If I take the early retirement, our income is going to be whacked. I just don't like my job and I hate living in a house with a hard pan yard. If my job was more interesting, it wouldn't be so bad. :-/

[Terri]

How far out are you wanting to go?

For us, my OWN health went sour a couple of weeks after we signed the papers on our land. SInce I am the homesteader, I went to mark the corners of the land with metal stakes instead of the flimsy wooden stake, and I could not do it. I got out of breath and the whole world turned YELLOW!

As it turns out, I had multiple sclerosis, and one corner never did get marked.

I am fortunate that the land is only 20 minutes from my home place, so I visit it once a week. I have not been able to develope it the way that I intended, but I got 100 asparagus roots in and I put in a lot of squash this spring. I have not decided what I am going to do with the squash: I just want to know if I can grow them now!!!!!!!! It is a test of what I can still do.

I would still like to move out, but things are going to go more slowly than when I thought I could put in "sweat equity" to develope it into a homestead.

But, DH continues to work, and I am covered on his insurance. I have the back yard garden, 6 chickens in my back yard, the plastic greenhouse I put up before I got sick, and fruit trees.

I have the 5.5 acres out of town that I can do anything on that I can figure out how, and I ate the first asparagus from it last week.

It looks like the creek will need a bigger bridge than I thought, so that is on the back burner. But, I have planted most of the strip of land on this side of the creek.

As it turns out, I am VERY glad the land is only 20 minutes away! I can still get out there, to do whatever, until I get my health problems sorted out. And, right now, I NEED the comforts of a house that has plumbing, and water, and a working kitchen or I could not do the housework. I will not be moving into a partly-finished house or selling vegetables at the farmers market. EVERYTHING must be re-planned!

Perhaps, if you could find land that was not too far away, you could work on water and such while keeping your job? If she is having health problems, she will have zero interest in roughing it. I have used many an outhouse in my life, but I no longer want to mess with THAT!

[Katlady]

I hope that you and your wife find a solution so you both can have some of what want. But in case you don't... remember that there are females that DO want to live the same lifesyle you do. A lot of us women are on our property alone because our men can't live in the woods. Hope things work out!

[dreamer]

I too have the same problem. But when we first got married she thought it would be great. She even came from the country. But after we moved twice and now live in a large town out side of Indianapolis she says no. When I brought it up one time she said go ahead I make enough on my own to make ends meet. Now I face the decision when do I go or do I go. I have no health insurance or benefits at my job. The wife does but she says if I were to be put on her health insurance it would make her check look small. My son is now 18 and in the last two weeks of school, even has a good paying job waiting for him after he is out of school.
I have dreamed of homesteading since I was sixteen years old and learned the meaning of it. I raise a garden as big as I can were I am and can every thing possible from juice to apple butter. I even have some rabbits that I raise for meat and dung for the garden. I have done just about every thing that you have to do on a homestead at one time or another, from heating our home with wood to having calves and raise those. I know I don't like the idea of being alone but then I also know that being happy is also very important. I know i'm not the only one but boy what is a person to do??

[Dobelo17]

I hope you can find a solution wiht your wife. I have a
similuar problem sort of. We live on 40 acres of land about 5 miles from town. I have a garden and some
fruit trees and some berry bushes. I should have some
good berries this year. I just planted my fruit orchard but have a few apple trees I planted a few years ago.
My problem is my husband came from a farm and wants no part of one now. I just had to sell our Dexter herd and my goats do to a severe hay allergy. He thinks it is great to live in the country so he can hunt but makes it so misreable to do anything. Like when i had the cattle we could have run a under ground water line so the hose wouldn't freeze up but it was so much funnier
to watch me haul all those buckets of water by hand then Iwould get rid of the animals. I put in a garden and he gives it away to his parents,or he lets his dog eat all my berries. Iwant a wood stove and it doesn't
go with the decore of the house. >:( I am working on a 5 yr plan. If he doesn't grow a brain in 5 yrs Iam out of here. My daughter will graduate in 5yrs from highschool. I think I can squirrel away enough money for a small down payment on some land by then or find a place in the country to rent. I think having a roof over my head and food to eat is more importan then his need to buy every toy in sight and impress his friends and realtives. Just this weekend he spent over 1600.00
for oak treads to put on our stair way and car siding for the basement ceiling. THink how much beef we could have bought or made a down payment on a good wood stove. We just got our prepay for gas for next winter you can lock in know at $2.19 per gallon. He is going to wait becasue he thinks it will go down??? ??? Best of luck to you but I don't think my husband will ever change so I am going to do what is best for me.

BEcky

[rae-dean]

well steve-thats the question.when i bug my guy-he tells me he will go get paper and pen and we will do which ever plan i want.the 2 yr plan or the 5 yr plan and it all spells no plan.I am afraid when we finally get to live in our woods-we will be too old to do what we want to do.So we comprimised.We live in a mobile home park that is a city that has lots of wildlife and a lake.we have efficent living ...we are going to our land this summer with our grandsons...and they will help us put something up so we can go out and stay from time to time.i am the one who is ready to toss everything and go live out there.But hubby is the wise one.to wait and get things ready...for one day.so for the time being i am happy being here where we are.Hubby put in raised beds and also he just put in tomatoes.I go to a river where there is an old orchard and pick lots of good free apples and pears .Last yr.i dried lots and lots of roma tomatoes.i sew clothes and quilt and crochet.
we fish.we camp.i am always looking for birds and trying to identify them.i just keep hoping one day...i will be in a small cabin with a big window...it will be a nite of a full moon and snow on the ground and i will see deer in the moonlite-
some of the most beautiful pictures in my mind have happened when we were in the woods.a full moon peeking up over the mountain with wildflowers all over the mt.side.the moon so bright u could see the colors of the flowers.the air-the peace -the beauty of our woods.i want to move out there so bad.so good luck.comprimise is good but sometimes-it ends up being it.that is where u are.my daughter told me-"don't u know dad will never live in the woods cause if he would-u would already be there!".i don't know about that cause we have lived on our property and we have some now.so there is always hope. ::)

[Saoirse]

Compromise is possible here. Perhaps a home on an acre or two just outside of town? Or, as someone else suggested, maybe a second home --- a cabin in the woods --- if you have the resources to do so. If nothing else, maybe she would agree to go primitive camping a few times a year. Life is short! :)

[Cowgirl]

I wish you the best of luck. Lifestyle is a huge component of happiness for many people. I have a deep rooted calling to be in this rural environment, and I feel trapped and claustrophobic in a city or suburban environment. I need to have soil. I need to grow things. I need to raise critters. I need ... to be a part of the great cycle of life and nature.

I'm sure that it can be done successfully, having a "mixed marriage" without one or the other person feeling like they have given up everything to make their partner happy. But I only think that can happen if neither person has a deep-seated need to be one place or another.

When I was single again, having been through a situation where we had incompatible lifestyle desires, I decided that no man was worth the effort if he didn't love country living and the homesteading lifestyle. I set out on homesteading all by myself. I stuck to my guns on that issue, so to speak, and figured I would be happier alone that having to constantly battle with a "partner" in order to have a homestead. And then I found someone compatible. And we are partners in the homesteading life, and it is not a constant battle to try to live as I feel called to live.

Good luck to you!

Cowgirl

[taynormom]

My DH and i are different as night and day
Im a tree hugging , organic girl. He is a donut eating , just put some chemicals on it. kind of guy.
We are homsteading and out ways do butt heads , but in a nutshell we compromise.
I hope #3 never becomes true for you.
#1 sounds like it can work.
I agree with said above "what does she not like about homesteading ?
the work involved
canning ? kitchen duty ?
animals ?
or the inconvience of no Starbucks around ;) lol just kidding
is she a working career kind of gal and not wanting to be a farm girl ?
there are lots of pro's and cons to homesteading in the boonies
we are 20 miles out from no where
I talk to animals alot and myself
thank goodness for the internet !!
I wish you well
hope it helps
taynormom
::) ::) ::)

[taynormom]

Oh i forgot to mention some of the good things
No crime
No traffic
No chemicals
No politics telling you what ,where and how to eat !!!
everything taste better
No recalls on your food
No high fuel prices
No loud neighbors
I can walk around naked if i want to and no one will be the wiser ;D

[flatwater]

Where did you say you lived :o :o , just kidding , I think
Flatwater

[Steve_L]

I don't think I'll ever homestead.

I'll just work until I drop dead. I'll keep going to that boring job after a long commute and deal with traffic each and every day. Bring home the fat paycheck and watch it all disapper, never see my little girl as she grows up, not take part in her homeschooling, probably watch her go off to that awful public school and she'll become some teenager one day who has complete contempt for me and my wife like the school taught her.

And then I'll drop dead.

Oh well, you know.

[Terri]

Steve L, if that is your choice, then that *IS* what you will have. That is what MOST Americans want, and so our society is set up to make that easy to get.

I suppose you have heard the definition of a success? It is the person who gets up one more time than he is knocked down.

Talk to the wife some more. Find out more about what she values. Ask her to not think of land that is perfect, but land she might enjoy. Because, OF COURSE you will be changing it after you buy it! That is half the fun!

I looked at land for 5 years before I found an acreage that was acceptable and affordable.

It had problems: that was WHY it was affordable! (There would be no city water for 3 years, and the creek made access difficult. These are major problems for people wanting to build immediately with city water, but much lesss of a problem for me)

Those problems did not bother me, though. I figured on using creek water to water vegetables and bees.

Was it a perfect property? Uh....no. Not hardly. Those Osage Orange trees were even more of a pest than I thought they would be. But, it was handsome, useable, and only 20 minutes away from our house.

Do you know why DH really, REALLY liked it? He liked it because it was between 2 cities and he knew the price would go up. HE sees it as an investment.

Folks like us can talk about clean air and bees working your own flowers all you like, but our spouses see something VERY different! PErhaps your wife might be interested in the investment side of life? Something for you to enjoy now, and when you die it is an inheritance of value for the kids. Or, if you are old and housebound, it can support you both by renting out the land or selling it.

Yeah, I know you will never sell. But the option is ALWAYS there, and she might outlive you. Consider it life insurance. It is an investment. Out where I live land has tripled in price in 20 years.

At any rate, talk to your wife some more. DH turned down land that was WONDERFULL for what I thought was a frivolous reason. AND, he rejected it after first accepting it: he just changed his mind. Made me see red. There was nothing I could do but keep looking.

As it turned out, the place we bought is better but that was pure dumb luck.

[Terri]

I do not know what part of Washington you live in. Have you ever searched www.unitedcountry.com ? If you see an affordable bit of land, there will be others in that area so check with the realtors.

This looks nice: http://www.unitedcountry.com/Search06/SearchResults.Asp?SID=59297493&Lcnt=&AU=N