Grieving.

[pathwayholding]

My father passed away last Saturday after an extended illness. (Alzheimer's) The last three months have been a tornado of hospitals, two different nursing homes (the last one over an hour and 10 minute drive from my home), arguments amongst family, inadequate care, and a long, slow death (that I was present for). The last week I've been busy with the funeral and trying to get my mom on her feet. I'm exhausted.

I understand that I did a lot of my grieving over the last three months since we knew it was coming. What I don't understand is why I so don't want to do this. Grieve, I mean. I've "allowed" myself a few micro-bursts of utter break down, from the pit of my soul grieving but other than that...I'm stuffing and I know it. As soon as I feel it coming on, I'm on the phone checking on my mom or sisters.

I believe in the blood of Christ and for me that means eternal life for all of those who choose to accept the gift. I've accepted this gift. I believe my dad accepted this gift. Why am I struggling so much with this?

I know from reading your posts that a lot of you love God and His word as I do. I would be grateful to anyone who would post scripture that has gotten them through times of sadness and grief.

Judi

[Aamylf]

Cut yourself some slack. Grieving doesn't happen according to a schedule or how you think it 'should.' When the time comes, you'll grieve -- trust me.

When my mom died -- after a really long, slow death (years) -- I barely shed a tear because, I thought, I'd done all my grieving watching her die. About two years later, I picked up some material to make something, picked up her old pinking sheers and had a total meltdown. When my dad died, totally unexpectedly and in a matter of seconds went from apparent health to death, I cried a bit, did the funeral arrangements, etc. etc. etc. and when I went back to work and my boss,with whom I had a nice, but impersonal relationship asked how I was doing, I broke down. I must have cried for an hour, sobbed, while he stood by helplessly. We never talked about it, until his ex-wife died and when he told me -- he did the same thing.

Give it time. Hold it back now if you need to. Let it out when you will. My prayers are with you.

[Bones]

Judi, been awhile since we chatted. I am truly Sorry for your loss

Everybody grieves in different ways and for some to it is harder to let just let go. Does not mean you are not grieving. I shed few tears when my mom passed unexpectedly. Who knows why. I am not one who shows emotion like that most of the time I always keep it inside. Life is a perplexing thing and just because you do not want to grieve out loud does not mean a thing. Give it some time you have been grieving now for at least three months if not longer. Plus all the other stress of taking care of your mother.
Bones

[sissy]

I'm so sorry for your lost. Don't worry about it, people grieve differently. Hubby grieved different with his dad then his sister, both unexpected. He was also different with his paster, (best friends). With me, when my mom went home to be with the Lord I grieved very different than hubby did. She had a stroke 9 years prior. We were best friends as well as mother & daughter. Before she past I refused to talk about when it would happen. My family thought I would go off the deep end when it happened. (I did too). But God gave me ways for me to grieve that were different than others. I used to watch a certain show every week because the mother on the show reminded me of mom & every week I would end up crying. Hubby said why do you do that to yourself. I said I don't know I just have to watch it. When it was enough the show stooped coming on. Have not seen it since. There were other things too. My whole family grieved different, all were close to mom.
God will let you know how & when to grieve. Don't worry about it.
My prayers are with you & yours for peace & comfort.
sissy

[Grizzy]

Hey Judi :)

It touches my heart to read the kind words left here to comfort you.

Though God brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men. Lamentaions 3:32-33

I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow Jeremiah 31:13

You have emerged from the whirlwind. Climb up onto Abba Father's (Poppa's) lap and talk as a little child... "My heart is broken and I am sooo sad and lonesome". And because we take our walk with Him seriously.. praise and worship He who we have given ourselves.. to love and trust.

God Bless You
Be Strong
~Grizzy~

[Grizzy]

Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord. Psalm 31:34

May the Lord Bless and Keep you,
Be Strong
~Grizzy~

[Gracie]

Judi, I am so sorry for your family loss. I read your post last night, but waited till today to post, as had to think on it. As mentioned above, we all grieve in our own way, and in our own time, as everyone's circumstances are so varied...and I surely believe there is no right or wrong way to go about it. God alone knows our heart of hearts, and will guide you through and past the troubled waters.

Have been in similar shoes, the ones who take the responsibility of getting all done as it should be, helping others in the family to carry on...the rock all can depend on...yet, who bolsters them in these times of grief, pain and sorrow. God Does.

Judy, for me anyway, I have found solace in the 23rd Psalm.

Psalm 23
A psalm of David.
1 (http://bible.cc/psalms/23-1.htm)The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
2 (http://bible.cc/psalms/23-2.htm)He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 (http://bible.cc/psalms/23-3.htm)he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name’s sake.
4 (http://bible.cc/psalms/23-4.htm)Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
5 (http://bible.cc/psalms/23-5.htm)You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6 (http://bible.cc/psalms/23-6.htm)Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.


You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers


May God Bless and Keep You and Yours,


Gracie

[bookwormom]

((( hugs))) Bless you. You have been functioning so long, doing what needed to be done, your grief is buried deep in your heart at the moment, it is there. You still are taking care of others first.


To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven.

[pathwayholding]

I'm gonna ramble here. It's probably more for me than anybody. I tend to need to verbalize my feelings before I understand them. So, here goes:

Grizzy nailed it. It touched my heart to read the kind words left here to comfort me. Although I did cry while reading, I was comforted as well. Grizzy, I also felt my heart become a little less heavy with every verse you cited.

I originally thought it odd that I came here to grieve. I'm not one to unload on even those closest to me. Then I read Aamylf's and Bookworm's posts. Makes sense to me - melting down in front of the boss. I've been trying so hard to keep my "game face" on in front of those I know are already hurting. My mom keeps saying how hard my sister is taking this and I want to scream. "Do you have any idea how hard this is hitting me? I keep waiting for you to tell me you don't need my help anymore and then I swear I am going to go to bed for a week. I am not helping you because I am the strongest one. I am doing what needs to be done. Then I can cry like daddy's little girl. And you will never know because you need someone to be strong."

Bones, I am not usually a crier either. I know what is in me right now needs to come out. I feel like it is festering inside of me and turning into a pile of ugly. Anger, sadness, depression, apathy, fatigue. All mixed up and rotting. (BTW, I've not been on much because of my battle with migraines. I check in occasionally just to see what everyone's up to though.)

Sissy, I got some real inner understanding from your post. I've been wearing my dad's sweater almost constantly since his death. I find comfort in it even though it makes me remember. Yet, I physically cringe when I walk by the kitchen counter where all the sympathy cards/flowers are. I couldn't figure out why I am so anxious to put away all reminders of his death yet wanted to be wrapped up in it as well. I am realizing that to me his sweater is a memory of him alive. The cards/flowers are a reminder of his death. I hate that people felt bad for me. (In real life I hate being "looked at" let alone "felt for". In the real worl I'm actually an extremely private person.)

Gracie, I actually said Amen and Amen aloud while reading your post. I also saw my dilema as well. How can I have such hope and sorrow at the same time? I know that I am not alone. I know that He is my comforter. Yet why do I feel so alone and uncomforted?

I continue to remind myself of Romans 8:28. This is my go to scripture whenever things are tough. I know I will somehow come out of this better than I was going in. I pray that God gives me the wisdom to see His will for me in this trial He has allowed in my life. I pray that one day I will be able to comfort someone else in their time of trial. I pray that you are all blessed for giving of yourselves to a stranger.

Eternally,

Judi

[momma_to_seven_chi]

My father passed away last Saturday after an extended illness. (Alzheimer's) The last three months have been a tornado of hospitals, two different nursing homes (the last one over an hour and 10 minute drive from my home), arguments amongst family, inadequate care, and a long, slow death (that I was present for).

Judi

I'm so sorry.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve. It just depends on your own body's way of working through emotional changes and return to homeostasis and peace. Don't worry about how you feel or react and it being right or wrong. It is not wrong.

I pray God blesses you and keeps you safe and brings your family peace.

[Aamylf]

"Anger, sadness, depression, apathy, fatigue. All mixed up and rotting"

That's grief.

Anger --How could he leave you? How could he leave you so badly? How could he have to suffer so? How can your mom not see that you are suffering, too?

Sadness --How could he leave you when you still need him? Will this sadness ever end?

Depression --I cannot go on one more moment, one more day. I just want to lay in bed and pull the covers up over my head.

Apathy --Who cares about the cards? The flowers? They sympathy? I don't care about anything?

Fatigure --I am so exhausted I can barely lay one foot in front of the other.

And so the blessed migraine forces you to lay down, forces you to take care of yourself, forces you to be still. I know they are often from being tired, dehydrated or food allergies, but I always got one when I refused to care for myself.

Take care of yourself. And you came here to grieve because no matter what you say, no one here will judge you. You cannot have that with family!

[sissy]

I'm so glad you understood what I was saying. I wore her gown also for awhile. I done so many things to remember her life. I did not want to think of her gone. I missed her to much. On her birthday I wanted to be alone & eat pintos & cornbread (our favorite meal together) chocolate cake with chocolate icing, I sent her a birthday card on a balloon. I would pray Lord tell momma I said hi, I love her & I miss her. I know this probably didn't happen, but it was my way of telling God how I felt. This is strange I know but it's how I dealt with it. You will find your way in your time. Just let it happen.
May God bless you with peace & comfort I pray in Jesus name Amen.
sissy

[Grizzy]

i find when i can re-focus from my sorrow, etc to something lovely or productive to fill my time.. the healing goes very well.

there is no substitute for just plain ole work, too, to put your mind in a healthy place. when im where you are, thas when i take closets apart, when the coop would get a good cleaning, cabinets in the kitchen would get clean new shelf paper etc... if you sew.. thas a good project to busy yourself with. its funny... but when you feel icky and you bake something to carry to someone ELSE...YOU feel more gooder :yes4: ...

we all fall down in weak moments... when ya git back up... be a better you, a stronger you, a you who now can comfort someELSE better... and so the years tick by and we appreciate hugs and kind words and understand the need to dole them out as much as possible. today am there with yas an i brought a basket of a few of my favorite treasures an they each have a story to go with em.. an the teakettle is softly simmer'n an yur cookies are already to come out of the oven... i know they are... me can smellum! :sarcastic:

Come sit by me an a bear will tell you stories an we will visit times an places a off... jus for a lil while :) ...

grizzy wif a bassetOgoodies

[pathwayholding]

So odd I would choose to come here today (or not odd at all actually). Today I completed my final responsbility in my father's death. My mother had asked me to send a thank you card/personal note to the priest and nun who walked us through the funeral. It took me about an hour and a half to write 10 lines on a card. I kept stopping to look up scripture that was coming to me while I was writing.

God is my comfort.
God sends others to comfort us.
God allows trials so that we can comfort others.
As always, Roman 8:28.

Grizzy, I know nothing in my life is random. It's all from God and it's all good. I know He sent words of comfort through so many throughout this painful walk through the shadow of death. I know He sent you.

I know I have faced the most terrible and vile enemy and I am coming out victorious. I have gained so much. I am more sure than ever in the promises of God. More thankful than ever for the sacrifice of my Lord and Savior, Jesus. More ready than ever to be a conduit of love and comfort to others in need. I am ready to walk again.

Father, today I thank You for sending comfort. Please allow me to comfort others as You have comforted me. In Jesus' name.

Judi