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Old 05-11-2014, 04:47 PM
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otobesane1 otobesane1 is offline
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Default Mom's Passing

This is a first for me. I'm a private person and avoid putting my business in the public eye. However, on Friday, May 2, I brought my Mother from Florida to South Dakota to live with me. (she believed that my sister no longer wanted her and that she was a burden) She felt tired after the trip and wanted to sleep. She ate little over the weekend and passed away just before dawn on Monday morning. Mom had been ill with COPD and emphysema for a long time and had only 13% of her total lung capacity remaining, but I would never have agreed to allow her to travel had I known that she was so frail.

My problem is that I can't seem to get past the short time between her arrival and her passing. My friends and pastor believe that she was waiting until she was with me. I just don't know what to think and I ache all over. I would appreciate your prayers as I weather this event. At 60 years of age, I've not had to face the death of ANY of my family....not even a cousin. Having my Mother be the first is a feeling with which I'm unfamiliar and I can't seem to settle my mind or heart. Sorry for the length.
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Old 05-11-2014, 07:53 PM
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Originally Posted by otobesane1 View Post
This is a first for me. I'm a private person and avoid putting my business in the public eye. However, on Friday, May 2, I brought my Mother from Florida to South Dakota to live with me. (she believed that my sister no longer wanted her and that she was a burden) She felt tired after the trip and wanted to sleep. She ate little over the weekend and passed away just before dawn on Monday morning. Mom had been ill with COPD and emphysema for a long time and had only 13% of her total lung capacity remaining, but I would never have agreed to allow her to travel had I known that she was so frail.

My problem is that I can't seem to get past the short time between her arrival and her passing. My friends and pastor believe that she was waiting until she was with me. I just don't know what to think and I ache all over. I would appreciate your prayers as I weather this event. At 60 years of age, I've not had to face the death of ANY of my family....not even a cousin. Having my Mother be the first is a feeling with which I'm unfamiliar and I can't seem to settle my mind or heart. Sorry for the length.
My friend,instinct told her where she wanted to be.
But it help to believe she was at peace and decided she had seen you and her journey was finished.

annie passing tissue as I mourn with you.
May Almighty God help you to see she is at peace and was where she wanted to be.
Mighty Angels surround you and help you with this grief and burden.
What a blessing you were for her--you ans'd her call.
You honored you Mother.

May The Lord lay His mighty hand on you and give you peace to walk through this.
Hugs and prayers
annie
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Old 05-12-2014, 01:31 AM
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Originally Posted by Txanne View Post
My friend,instinct told her where she wanted to be.
But it help to believe she was at peace and decided she had seen you and her journey was finished.

annie passing tissue as I mourn with you.
May Almighty God help you to see she is at peace and was where she wanted to be.
Mighty Angels surround you and help you with this grief and burden.
What a blessing you were for her--you ans'd her call.
You honored you Mother.

May The Lord lay His mighty hand on you and give you peace to walk through this.
Hugs and prayers
annie
Anne,

We can always depend upon you for kind words and thoughts. They are very comforting at this time. Thanks from my heart. This was a tough Mother's Day. My poor wife cried for me.
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Old 05-12-2014, 02:07 AM
Kachad Male Kachad is offline
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I'm very very sorry for your loss. I believe your Friends and Pastor are right.

Can't say much more, unless I'm going to write a long post. I'm very glad that you were able to spend the short time with her near the end.

Mothers are precious, I just hope all of them would know how precious they are at the time before their passing - it sounds like yours did.

Prayers.
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Old 05-12-2014, 01:31 PM
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backlash Male backlash is offline
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My condolences.
Losing a Mother is one of the hardest things in life.
It sounds like your Mom wanted to be with you at the end.
People do prolong their life until they fulfill some unspoken desire.
My Grandfather"s doctor told me that Grandpa was waited for me to come home on emergency leave before he passed.
He died soon after I got home.
Stay strong and take it one day at a time.
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Old 05-12-2014, 11:17 PM
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Oto, hang in there buddy o mine. I guess the first death I had to face close up was my dad. I thought I was gonna die. AND I knew he was dying at the time. Took me several years to accept it all, and still is painful. I agree with backlash that I think they do hang on till they are where they want to be to stop. And it sounds like your momma wanted most to be with you at that time. God promises to never give us more than we can bear. I am convinced after looking back when my dad passed away. IF my mind would have realized he only had a couple days to live I would have brought him back to his house to be there but gosh what a mess I would have made of all lives of others involved if I had done that. So in retrospect I believe God really blocked the fact from my mind and made me not realize he had such a short time so I would not make a mess of everything. Not to mention the fact that when dad passed I felt like he waited till my youngest son who was 18 at the time to leave the hospital before his journey ended. I, being an only child had to make all the hard decisions and dang its not easy. Even now my mom is very sick, in the hospital again, after having 2 major strokes one month ago. She developed a bleed from the TPA and is in critical condition at this point. Its really tough with no siblings to help make decisions. Just remember life is hard, death is easy. Imagine the peace your momma now has, no more pain, suffering, so much easier than "life" sometimes. From where I am sitting, I feel like you made a good choice to give her the comfort she needed at the end and that my friend makes you a fine son. God bless and keep you.

Have a blessed day!

stella
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Old 05-12-2014, 11:27 PM
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Originally Posted by sbemt456 View Post
Oto, hang in there buddy o mine. I guess the first death I had to face close up was my dad. I thought I was gonna die. AND I knew he was dying at the time. Took me several years to accept it all, and still is painful. I agree with backlash that I think they do hang on till they are where they want to be to stop. And it sounds like your momma wanted most to be with you at that time. God promises to never give us more than we can bear. I am convinced after looking back when my dad passed away. IF my mind would have realized he only had a couple days to live I would have brought him back to his house to be there but gosh what a mess I would have made of all lives of others involved if I had done that. So in retrospect I believe God really blocked the fact from my mind and made me not realize he had such a short time so I would not make a mess of everything. Not to mention the fact that when dad passed I felt like he waited till my youngest son who was 18 at the time to leave the hospital before his journey ended. I, being an only child had to make all the hard decisions and dang its not easy. Even now my mom is very sick, in the hospital again, after having 2 major strokes one month ago. She developed a bleed from the TPA and is in critical condition at this point. Its really tough with no siblings to help make decisions. Just remember life is hard, death is easy. Imagine the peace your momma now has, no more pain, suffering, so much easier than "life" sometimes. From where I am sitting, I feel like you made a good choice to give her the comfort she needed at the end and that my friend makes you a fine son. God bless and keep you.

Have a blessed day!

stella
My prayers for your Mom Stelly.
I know your burden must be very difficult.
As the oldest of 6 and 6 different ideas it was a mess when my Mother died.

I pray comfort for you and decisions you have to make.
I know your not well and this isnt easy for you.
Hugs and prayers
annie
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  #8  
Old 05-13-2014, 05:17 AM
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Originally Posted by sbemt456 View Post
Oto, hang in there buddy o mine. I guess the first death I had to face close up was my dad. I thought I was gonna die. AND I knew he was dying at the time. Took me several years to accept it all, and still is painful. I agree with backlash that I think they do hang on till they are where they want to be to stop. And it sounds like your momma wanted most to be with you at that time. God promises to never give us more than we can bear. I am convinced after looking back when my dad passed away. IF my mind would have realized he only had a couple days to live I would have brought him back to his house to be there but gosh what a mess I would have made of all lives of others involved if I had done that. So in retrospect I believe God really blocked the fact from my mind and made me not realize he had such a short time so I would not make a mess of everything. Not to mention the fact that when dad passed I felt like he waited till my youngest son who was 18 at the time to leave the hospital before his journey ended. I, being an only child had to make all the hard decisions and dang its not easy. Even now my mom is very sick, in the hospital again, after having 2 major strokes one month ago. She developed a bleed from the TPA and is in critical condition at this point. Its really tough with no siblings to help make decisions. Just remember life is hard, death is easy. Imagine the peace your momma now has, no more pain, suffering, so much easier than "life" sometimes. From where I am sitting, I feel like you made a good choice to give her the comfort she needed at the end and that my friend makes you a fine son. God bless and keep you.

Have a blessed day!

stella
Stella,

Thank you for your thoughtful words and advice. I'm sorry to hear of your Mom's difficulties. I wish I could be of some help to you in dealing with your situation, but I know that each one is different and there's no simple answer or solution. Hopefully, your Mom is comfortable and at peace knowing that you are there for her and that God's gentle hand is guiding her. I'll pray for you and your Mom as I pray for mine.
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Old 05-13-2014, 05:20 AM
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otobesane1 otobesane1 is offline
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Originally Posted by backlash View Post
My condolences.
Losing a Mother is one of the hardest things in life.
It sounds like your Mom wanted to be with you at the end.
People do prolong their life until they fulfill some unspoken desire.
My Grandfather"s doctor told me that Grandpa was waited for me to come home on emergency leave before he passed.
He died soon after I got home.
Stay strong and take it one day at a time.
Thank you backlash. Everyone has told me that it appears that she was ready, but waiting until the time that SHE chose. I really want to believe that, but I just wish I had been given a little more time with her. Selfish, I know, but even at 60 years old, I miss my Mom so badly.
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Old 05-13-2014, 05:23 AM
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otobesane1 otobesane1 is offline
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Originally Posted by Kachad View Post
I'm very very sorry for your loss. I believe your Friends and Pastor are right.

Can't say much more, unless I'm going to write a long post. I'm very glad that you were able to spend the short time with her near the end.

Mothers are precious, I just hope all of them would know how precious they are at the time before their passing - it sounds like yours did.

Prayers.

Thank you. Sometimes just a few words are just right and yours are comforting.
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Old 05-13-2014, 03:05 PM
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Tim Horton Male Tim Horton is offline
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Sorry to hear of your loss...

You were fortunate in a way that you were able to provide some emotional comfort to your mother... Sometimes that is all we can do, as relief of physical discomfort/healing isn't an option...

Unfortunately, for a while before my mother passed, she didn't know me or the care giver that was in the room as little a 2 minutes earlier...

As adults we always go through the "I coulda/shoulda done more/different thing in our minds... Fact is we can only do our best at the moment...

Take care...
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Old 05-13-2014, 04:58 PM
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otobesane1 otobesane1 is offline
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Originally Posted by Wyobuckaroo View Post
Sorry to hear of your loss...

You were fortunate in a way that you were able to provide some emotional comfort to your mother... Sometimes that is all we can do, as relief of physical discomfort/healing isn't an option...

Unfortunately, for a while before my mother passed, she didn't know me or the care giver that was in the room as little a 2 minutes earlier...

As adults we always go through the "I coulda/shoulda done more/different thing in our minds... Fact is we can only do our best at the moment...

Take care...
Thank you, sir.
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Old 05-14-2014, 12:25 AM
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I'm so sorry for your loss. I agree with the others, she lived long enough to be with you. My mom passed some time ago, after having a really bad stroke. The Dr's thought she would not live. But she wanted to see the last of her kids grown so she lived 9 more years. Her youngest was married with 2 kids when she passed. She suffered a lot through the years, but she hung on, We lived in different states but I'm so glad I had the time I did. I't was the hardest thing I ever had to deal with. She was my mom and my best friend. I still miss her a lot. It does get easier to smile though.
Hugs and prayers for you and yours.
sissy
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Old 05-16-2014, 04:47 AM
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So sorry for your loss. It's never easy when losing a loved one, even a dog. As soon as we're old enough to be born, we're old enough to die. It's an appointment, I believe, the Bible tells us was made for us before we were born. So, this is not an untimely death. Your mother would have passed on this day no matter what as it was her time to go. How precious that you were able to be with her at the end.

As I said, it's never easy parting with our loved ones, but you folks are doing it in the proper order and you've been blessed to achieve such a great age before experiencing this. Thank God for that, but I'm sure that would in many ways make it harder.

Living on the farm, we experience death around us all the time. I often wondered about it if it was good for our little kids to experience or not, but then grandparents died, a small cousin was killed in a car accident, small boy at Sunday school. All this was preparation for we then experienced the death of one of our own children. It's not the right order it seems. We should go before our kids, but God makes no mistakes. As Job says in the book that carries his name. "The Lord giveth, and the Lord hath taken away, blessed be the name of the Lord." I'm praying you'll receive peace and comfort from Him for the days ahead.

Peace and blessings my friend,
OT

PS. I may have business up that way in the near future. PM me and we'll see if we can get together if you'd like.
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Old 05-17-2014, 01:31 AM
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otobesane1 otobesane1 is offline
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My heartfelt thanks to all who have responded with such kind words and prayers. I'm at peace with Mom's passing now. I've always believed that each of us has a number of days assigned to us (unless we utter the words, "hold my beer and watch this") and when that day arrives, we depart. The only problem for me was that in my 60 years, I've not had a single close family member pass away except for my fraternal grandparents in the late 60's. Since then, I've not known loss this close. Kind of shook me to the core. Thanks again for helping me through this.
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Old 05-17-2014, 11:57 PM
Kachad Male Kachad is offline
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OTB - Don't be surprised if you find yourself facing a very severe second wave of grief in another week or two.

When my Mother passed very unexpectedly I was understandably completely shattered for a few days. Then all the activity surrounding the funeral arrangements kept me busy after that and I just had to function, so my emotional side somewhat shut down.

About a week later, the second wave set in hard. That wave lasted a very long time, and took me everything I had to remain functional during that time period. Hard work saved me.

I found my Mother after she passed, so I am positive that contributed to the difficulty of processing the grief - but I'm also sure that this is a normal cycle.

Not trying to be a complete glass half empty guy - but please remember this if that second wave hits you hard - and more importantly - that too shall pass.

Prayers.
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Old 05-18-2014, 12:06 AM
Kachad Male Kachad is offline
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I have to come back to this and say a couple of glass half full things.

After going through the ordeal of my Mother passing and processing all the mixed emotions, I came out of it possessing a much stronger spiritual outlook on life, more compassionate, thoughtful and overall much more balanced than I ever was before.

What I learned, is that I started to reflect on the actions that I take every day and ask myself if this is how my Mother would want me to live. This litmus test wasn't something that I sat down and did on purpose, it is more of something that just happened.

I'm sure a lot of that was driven by guilt, which I believe everybody feels - no matter what.

I just had to toss that out too.
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Old 05-19-2014, 02:15 AM
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I have to come back to this and say a couple of glass half full things.

After going through the ordeal of my Mother passing and processing all the mixed emotions, I came out of it possessing a much stronger spiritual outlook on life, more compassionate, thoughtful and overall much more balanced than I ever was before.

What I learned, is that I started to reflect on the actions that I take every day and ask myself if this is how my Mother would want me to live. This litmus test wasn't something that I sat down and did on purpose, it is more of something that just happened.

I'm sure a lot of that was driven by guilt, which I believe everybody feels - no matter what.

I just had to toss that out too.


The guilt is what I'm dealing with. I had her for 3 days before she died. What did I miss? What should I have done differently? All the doctors are saying that she only had a short time to live, but 3 days? I just can't help thinking that I should have taken her to the hospital on Sunday.
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Old 05-19-2014, 03:04 AM
Kachad Male Kachad is offline
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I arrived home from a business trip on Wednesday. Called my Mothers house late that evening. No reply. Called Thursday, multiple times.

Drove to her house on Friday morning, calling the whole time.

During my drive, I had a deep feeling she passed.

Arrived Friday, found her in the bathroom.

My guilt was tremendous. How long was she there? Why did she not call me if she was feeling ill? What could I have done?

Every day, years and years after, I asked what could I have done?

What?

The answer is really nothing. She knew I loved her. She believed in me, like no one else could have.

Guilt will haunt you the rest of your life. It haunts me every day.

You did everything that you could have done. She loved you. You loved her.

That's all that matters, in the end, Sir.
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Old 05-21-2014, 03:16 AM
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MIKENSUE MIKENSUE is offline
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Default She Knew

Your Mother just knew she was truly home. She passed because it felt right, and she was where she needed to be. God led you down this path. Don't question, be confident in knowing what you did was right
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