From Issue #161
Grandparents' answering machine message:
Good morning. At present we are not at home, but please leave your message after you hear the beep. Beep!
If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "birth date" so we know who it is.
If you need us to stay with the children, press 2.
If you want to borrow the car, press 3.
If you want us to wash your clothes and do ironing, press 4.
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5.
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6.
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7.
If you want to come to eat here, press 8.
If you need money, press 9.
If you are going to invite us to dinner or take us to the theater, start talking .... we are listening!
Why didn't the Mexican archer fire his bow?
He didn't habanero.
If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear... is he still wrong?
In a small farm town one day, the Sheriff noticed that the Reverend's car was weaving all over the dusty road. The Sheriff went after him and stopped him.
"What is going on, Reverend?" the Sheriff asked.
"I'm tired of working so hard," the Reverend replied.
Then the Sheriff noticed a bottle on the driver's side. "Can I see that bottle?"
"This is just water to keep me hydrated," the Reverend responded. But as the Sheriff pulled the cork, the smell of wine filled the car.
The Reverend threw his hands in the air and said, "Oh, the Lord did it again!"
Don't take life so seriously...it's not like you're going to get out alive.
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 100 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."
If you're wrong and you shut up, you're wise.
If you're right and you shut up, you're married.