Irreverent Jokes – Issue #100

The Irreverent Joke Page

From Issue #100


Dear Internal Revenue Service:

Enclosed you will find my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat. I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers (valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the “Presidential Election Fund,” as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5″ Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5” Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience.

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A Satisfied Taxpayer


Two guys were out fishing on the lake when a hearse and funeral procession passed the boat on a nearby road. One of them stood up and held his fishing hat over his heart as the hearse passed. His buddy commented, “Gee, Harry, that was really nice and respectful!”

To which Harry replied, “Well, after all we were married 40 years.”


There’s a sweet old couple happily living life. One day the wife went in for a medical exam and when she came home she reported to her husband, “The docotor says I have the heart of a 50-year-old, lungs of a 40-year-old, and the blood pressure of a 25-year-old.”

The huband replies, “Oh really? And what did he say about your 70-year-old ass?”

She replied, “He never mentioned you.”


As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, with no family or friends, who had died while traveling through the area. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man, I did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the crew, eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them long, but this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached, the workers began to say “Amen,” “Praise the Lord,” and “Glory.” I preached and I preached, like I’d never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations.

I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. I felt I had done my duty for the homeless man and that the crew would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of my tardiness.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, “I ain’t never seen anything like that before…and I’ve been puttin’ in septic tanks for more’n 20 years.”


After Adam was created he was just sitting in the Garden of Eden all by himself, when the Lord came down to visit. “Adam” he said, ” I have a plan to make you much happier. I’m going to give you a companion, someone who will fulfill your every need and desire, and be faithful, loving, and obedient.”

Adam was stunned, “That sounds incredible!”

The Lord replied, “It is, but it doesn’t come for free. In fact, this someone is so special, it’s going to cost you an arm and a leg.”

Adam thought for a moment. “That’s a pretty high price to pay. What can I get for a rib?”

Comments are closed.