Irreverent Jokes – Issue #101

The Irreverent Joke Page

From Issue #101



Homer walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up to the TV. The 10:00 PM news was now on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Homer and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?”

Homer replied, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”

The blonde said, “Well, I bet he won’t.”

Homer placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, “You’re on.”

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed $20 to Homer saying, “Fair’s fair, here’s your money.”

Homer replied, “I can’t take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o’clock news and knew he would jump.”

The blonde replied, “I saw it too, but I didn’t think he’d do it again.”

Homer took the money.


A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Minnesota recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?”

The man replied, “No, sir. These are my pet fish.”

“Pet fish?!” the warden said.

“Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home.”

“That’s a bunch of hooey! Fish can’t do that!”

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, “Here, I’ll show you. It really works.”

“O.K. I’ve GOT to see this!” the game warden replied.

The man poured the fish into the water and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, “Well?”

“Well, what?” the man asked.

“When are you going to call them back?” the game warden prompted.

“Call who back?” the man asked.

“The FISH.”

“What fish?” the man asked.


MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT:

1. RELIGION. “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

2. TIME TRAVEL. “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

3. LOGIC. “Because I said so, that’s why.”

4. MORE LOGIC. “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

5. IRONY. “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

6. THE SCIENCE OF OSMOSIS. “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

7. CONTORTIONISM. “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

8. STAMINA. “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

9. WEATHER. “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

10. HYPOCRISY. “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

11. THE CIRCLE OF LIFE. “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

12. BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. “Stop acting like your father!”

13. ANTICIPATION. “Just wait until we get home.”

14. ESP. “Put your sweater on. Don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

15. HUMOR. “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

16. GENETICS. “You’re just like your father.”

17. MY ROOTS. “Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”

18. JUSTICE. “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.”

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