Christmas Carols For
The Psychiatrically Challenged
Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder —
We Three Queens Disoriented Are
I Think I’ll be Home for Christmas
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and…..
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me
Borderline Personality Disorder —
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
Personality Disorder —
You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll Tell You Why
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder —
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells…
The best Christmas cookies ever:
1 cup of water
1 tsp. baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 cup of brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle José Cuervo Tequila
Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar, beat again. At this point it’s best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup…just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit off floor…Mix on the turner. If the fried druit get stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Sheck the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer, and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up?
Santa of course, because the other two don’t exist!
A wise old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a Ceremonial Pipe and eying two U.S. Government officials sent to interview him.
“Chief Two Eagles,” stated one official, “You have observed the white man for 90 years. You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances. You’ve seen his progress, and the damage he’s done.”
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The Official continued, “Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?”
The Chief stared at the Government Officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, “When white man found this land, Indians were running it.”
“Women did all the work.”
“Medicine man free.”
“Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing.”
“All night having sex.”
Then the Chief leaned back and smiled, “Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.”
Two nuns from abroad have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.”
“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”
Nodding emphatically, one of the nuns points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. “Two dogs, please,” she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.
Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their “dogs.” One of them opens the foil and begins to blush.
Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, “What part did you get?”
Man driving down road.
Woman driving up the same road.
They pass each other.
Woman yells out window, “PIG!”
Man yells out window, “BITCH!”
Man rounds next curve.
Crashes into a huge pig in middle of road.
Thought For the Day:
If only men would listen.
A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and he replies, “I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answers, “My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be a Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I am single and I’m Catholic too!”
The nun says, “OK, pull into the next alley.” He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. “My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”
“Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I’m married and I’m a Baptist.”
The nun says, “That’s OK, I’m on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin.”
A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
“How wonderful! But I hope you don’t mind me asking what happened to your first husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”
“Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms, too, and died.”
“Oh, how terrible! I’m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.”
“He died of a broken neck.”
“A broken neck?”
“He wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”