Irreverent Jokes – Issue #111

The Irreverent Joke Page

From Issue #111


What is the difference between Recession and Depression?

Recession – when your neighbor loses his job.

Depression – when you lose your job.


A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu:

  • Tourist: $5
  • Broiled Missionary: $10
  • Fried Explorer: $15
  • Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, “Why such a price difference for the politicians?”

The cook replied, “Have you ever tried to clean one? They’re so full of crap, it takes all morning.”


A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

Widower Playing Golf

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says, “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies, “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”


A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, “Relatives of yours?”

“Yep,” the husband replied, “In-laws.”


School 1958 vs. School 2008

Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

1958 – Vice principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car, and gets his own shotgun to show Jack.

2008 – School goes into lockdown, the FBI is called, Jack is hauled off to jail, and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors are called in to assist traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1958 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2008 – Police are called, SWAT team arrives, and arrests Johnny and Mark. They are charged with assault and both are expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won’t sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1958 – Jeffrey is sent to the principal’s office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still, and does not disrupt class again.

2008 – Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra state funding because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1958 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2008 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1958 – Mark shares aspirin with the school principal out on the smoking dock.

2008 – Police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1958 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2008 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. U.S. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover Independence Day firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, and blows up an anthill.

1958 – Ants die.

2008 – Homeland Security and the FBI are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny’s dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1958 – Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2008 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in federal prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.


An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.

When she returned to her daughter’s house later that night, she seemed upset.

“What happened, Mother?” the daughter asked.

“I had to slap his face three times!”

“You mean he got fresh?”

“No,” she answered. “I thought he was dead!”


Proof of who is your best friend:

This will dispel all rumors…

If you don’t believe it, just try this experiment:

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, see who is really happy to see you.

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