Irreverent Jokes – Issue #123

The Irreverent Joke Page

From Issue #123



Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men? It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with “A man once told me…”

How do you fix a woman’s watch? You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%. It’s called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

WHAT IT MEANS TO BE IN AN IRISH FAMILY

1) You will never play professional basketball.

2) You swear very well.

3) At least one of your cousins is a fireman, cop, bar owner, funeral home owner, or holds political office.

4) You think you sing very well.

5) You have no idea how to make a long story short.

6) There isn’t a big difference between you losing your temper or killing someone.

7) Many of your childhood meals were boiled. Instant potatoes were a mortal sin.

8) You have at least one aunt who is a nun or an uncle a priest.

9) You spent a good portion of your childhood kneeling in prayer.

10) You’re strangely poetic after a few beers.

11) Some punches directed at you are from legacies of past generations.

12) Many of your sisters and/or cousins are named Mary, Catherine, or Eileen…and there is at least one member of your family with the full name of Mary Catherine Eileen.

13) Someone in your family is very generous…it is most likely you.

14) You may not know the words, but that doesn’t stop you from singing.

15) You can’t wait for the other guy to stop talking before you start talking.

16) You’re not nearly as funny as you think you are…but what you lack in talent, you make up for in frequency.

17) There wasn’t a huge difference between your last wake and your last keg party.

18) You know someone named Murph, Mic, or Sully.

19) If you don’t, you are Murph, Mic, or Sully.

20) You are genetically incapable of keeping a secret.

21) You have Irish Alzheimer’s…you forget everything but the grudges!

22) “Irish Stew” is a euphemism for “boiled leftovers.”

23) Your skin’s ability to tan…not so much. (Only in spots!)

24) Childhood remedies for the common cold often included some form of whiskey.

25) There’s no leaving a family party without saying goodbye for at least 45 minutes.

26) At this very moment, you have at least two relatives who are not speaking to each other. Not fighting mind you, just not speaking to each other.

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