Irreverent Jokes – Issue #125

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From Issue #125


Dave is 90 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I can’t see where it went.” His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says,

“Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Dave, “your brother’s 103 years old. He can’t help.”

“He may be 103,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So the next day Dave heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law and says, “Did you see the ball?”

“Of course I did!” replied the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight”.

“Where did it go?” says Dave.

“I don’t remember.”

The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it.

The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.

A young woman brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancé to his study for a drink.

“So what are your plans?” the father asks the young man.

“I am a Torah scholar,” he replies.

“A Torah scholar. Hmmm,” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she’s accustomed to?”

“I will study,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”

“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father.

“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies. “God will provide for us.”

“And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?”

“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiancé.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, Honey?”

The father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean, and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

“Come have a look over here,” says Paddy, “It’s Michael O’ Grady’s grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.”

“That’s nothing,” says Sean. “Here’s one named Patrick O’ Toole. It says here that he was 95 when he died.”

Just then, Seamus yells out, “Good God, here’s a fella that got to be 145!”

“What was his name?” asks Paddy.

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker and exclaims: “Miles, from Dublin.”

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