The local restaurant was so sure that its host was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The host would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, then hand the lemon to the patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.”, but nobody could do it.
Then one day, this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”
After the laughter died down, the host said, “Okay,” grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the host paid the $1000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?”
The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”
— Submitted by Bud Jarvis
Only in America do we use the word politics to describe the process so well: “Poli” in latin meaning “many” and “tics” meaning “blood-sucking creatures”
— Submitted by Montey R. Eldridge
A guy wins the lottery and runs home. Upon entering the door he yells to his girlfriend,
“Pack your bags NOW baby; I just won the lottery!”
She responds, “Great, should I pack for the beach or mountains?”
He tells her, “I don’t give a damn, just get the hell out!”
— Submitted by James Mayfield
Never take life seriously.
Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Three friends die in a car accident. They go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and your friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”
The first guy says, “I would like to hear them
say that I was the greatest doctor of my time,
and a great family man.”
The second guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband and a school teacher, which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”
The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say,
“LOOK, HE’S MOVING! HE’S ALIVE!”
— Submitted By James Mayfield
Men are always whining about how we women are suffocating them. Personally, I think if you can hear them whining, you’re not pressing hard enough on the pillow.
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills the slowest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more effiecient machine. That’s why you feel smarter after a few beers.
|Women’s quote of the day:
|“Men are like fine wine. They start out like grapes, and it’s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you’d like to have dinner.”
|Men’s counter-quote of the day:
||Women are like fine wine. They start out fresh, fruity, and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and they give you a headache.”
Dumb Blonde Jokes
Why do blondes have “TGIF” on their shoes?
– Toes go in first.
Why did the Blonde stare at a can of frozen orange
– Because it said concentrate.
How can you tell when a blonde sends you a fax?
– It has a stamp on it.
Why shouldn’t blondes have coffee breaks?
– It takes too long to retrain them.
How do you put a twinkle in a blonde’s eye?
– Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Did you hear about the two blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie
– They went to see “Closed for the Winter.”
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7. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience
Lorena Bobbit Virus
– turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy
Tonya Harding Virus
– turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons
Oprah Winfrey Virus
– Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB
Politically Correct Virus
– Never calls itself a “virus,” but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism”
Ross Perot Virus
– Activates every component on your system, just before the whole darn thing quits
Government Economist Virus
– Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine
Federal Bureaucrat Virus
– Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer
– Your computer becomes obessed with its own motherboard, or becomes very jealous of your friend’s hard drive.
– Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.
Jimmy Hoffa Virus
– Your programs can never be found again.
– It claims that it did not, could not, and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.
— Submitted by John J. Spada