Irreverent Jokes – Issue #58

The Irreverent Joke Page

From Issue #58


A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.

“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he says. The two Englishmen just stare at him.

Excusez-moi, parlez vous francais?” The two continue to stare. “Parlare Italiano?” No response.

“Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first Englishman turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language…”

“Why?” says the other, “That bloke knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”


Obituary"The sad passing of Pop N. Fresh

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop. N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who “never knew how much he was kneaded.”

Fresh rose quickly in business, but later in life his career was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.


Learn Chinese in 5 minutes

Are you harboring a fugitive?     Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me A.S.A. P.     Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man     Dum Gai
Small Horse     Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach?     Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table.     Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift.     Chin Tu Fat
I thought you were on a diet?     Wai Yu Mun Ching?
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena?     Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not bright.     Yu So Dum
I got this for free.     Ai No Pei
I am not guilty.     Wai Hang Mi?
They have arrived.     Hai Dei Kum
Stay out of sight.     Lei Lo
Your body odor is offensive.     Yu stin ki pu.

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you are from Ireland.”

The other guy responds proudly, “Yes, I am!”

The first guy says, “So am I! And where about Ireland might you be?”

The other guy answers, “I’m from Dublin, I am.”

The first guy responds, “Sure and begora and am I! And what street you live on in Dublin?”

The other guy says, “A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.”

The first guy says, “Faith & it’s a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?”

The other guy answers, “Well now, I went to St. Mary’s of course.”

The first guy gets really excited and says, “And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?”

The other guy answers, “We’ll now, I graduated in 1964.”

The first guy exclaims, “the Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I hardly believe our good luck winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self.”

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head and mutters, “It’s going to be a long night. The Murphy twins are drunk again.”

— Submitted by Ted Holt

A devoted wife had spent her entire life taking care of her husband. Now he was slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside ever single day. When he came to, he mentioned to her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side…

You know what?

“What dear?” She asks gently.

“I think you bring me bad luck.”

— Submitted by Bud Jarvis


CLASSIFIED ADS

The following were actually taken from recent classified ads in newspapers. (You can’t make this stuff up.)


1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB–
$850/offer

2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES
1-5 finger, 1-3 finger,
PAIR: $15

COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE

FREE KITTENS: READY TO EAT.


FREE PUPPIES:
PART COCKER SPANIEL
PART SNEAKY NEIGHBOR’S DOG

NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED
CALL CHUBBIE

NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED – USED ONCE.
SLIGHTLY STAINED


YO MAMA IS SO FAT THAT…

When she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live.

She puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

Her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.

All the restaurants in town have signs that say: “Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama.”

When she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.

When she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.

She could sell shade.

Her blood type is Ragu.

When she goes to a restaurant, she doesn’t get a menu, she gets an estimate.

When she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party.

When she dances she makes the band skip.


WHY PARENTS GET GRAY

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”

“Yes,” whispered the small voice.

“May I talk with him?” the man asked.

To his surprise the small voice whispered, “No.”

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”

“Yes,” came the answer.

“May I talk with her?”

Again the small voice whispered, “No.”

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.

“Is there anyone there besides you?” he asked the child.

“Yes.” whispered the child, “A policeman.” Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked “May I speak with the policeman?”

“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.

“Busy doing what?” asked the boss.

“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”

“A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”

Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, “Why are they there?”

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: “They’re looking for me.”

An accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using a urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands.. clear up to his elbows…he used about 20 paper towels before he finished.

He turned to the other two men and commented, “I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean.”

The lawyer finished, zipped up quickly and wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, “I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious.”

The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, “I graduated from the University of Texas and they taught us not to pee on our hands.”

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