A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and wanders over to the confessional box. He opens the door, sits down and says nothing.
The bewildered priest waits for a few minutes, allowing the drunken man some time to collect his thoughts. Growing impatient, the priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally the drunk replies: “No use knockin’ mate, there’s no paper in this one either.”
Submitted by Bill Duffy
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, and he heard a loud voice ask him, “What is wrong with you?” Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to. Then the loud voice said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman.
He said, “This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed.”
Adam asked “What would a woman like this cost me?”
The answer was “An arm and a leg.”
Adam then asked “What can I get for just a rib?”
The rest is history.
Submitted by Bill Duffy
Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: “You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window.”
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The 2nd Man says: “What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen.”
1st Man: “No it’s true, let me prove it to you.” So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window, and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The 2nd man tells him: “You know I saw it with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke.”
1st Man: “No, I’ll prove it again” and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs, he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
2nd Man: “Well what the hell, it works, I’ll try it.” So he jumps over that balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors, and hits the sidewalk with a “splat.”
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: “You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk.”
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained, “and I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”
“Not to worry,” Jack said, “we’ll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”
The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked: “Bob, do you remember that good looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north.”
“Yes, I do.”
“Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?”
“Yes,” he said, a little embarrassed about being found out, “I have to admit that I did.”
“And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”
Bob’s face turned red and he said, “Yeah, sorry buddy, I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”
“No need to apologize, Bob. She just died and left me everything!
Clyde, a farmer from Palmer, AK, decided his injuries from an accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court.
In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!”, asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the…”
I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!…
Clyde said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…”
The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.”
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown Into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, ‘How are YOU feeling?'”
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death’s agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shaking made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
“Stay out of those,” she said, “they’re for the funeral.”
Submitted by Jean L’Heureux
These quotes were taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance evaluations…
- “I would not allow this employee to breed.”
- “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”
- “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
- “This employee should go far, and sooner the better.”
- “A gross ignoramus – 144 time worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”
- “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”
- “This employee is not so much of a has-been, but definitely more of a definite won’t be.”
- “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”
- “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”
- “A prime candidate for natural deselection.”
- “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
- “If you stand close to him, you can hear the ocean.”
- “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”
- “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”
- “It’s hard to believe that he beat out the other sperm.”
- “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”
- “He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”
TALK LIKE A FROG
A little boy turned to his grandpa and said, “Grandpa, talk like a frog.”
The grandpa replied, “What? I am not going to talk like a frog!”
The little boy again asked, “Come on, grandpa talk like a frog please.”
Grandpa again said, “No! Go bother your grandmother.”
The little boy finally gave up and left.
A little while later the little boy’s sister came in and said, “Grandpa, will you talk like a frog for me?”
Grandpa of course replied, “NO!”
The little girl then said, “Please grandpa will you just talk like a frog?”
Grandpa was very disturbed by now and said, “What is it with you and your brother? Why in the world do you want me to talk like a frog?”
The little girl looked at her grandpa and said, “Well, last night Daddy told us that when you croak we are going to Disney World.”
Submitted by John Allen
A husband proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on the average only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use about 30,000 words a day.
She thought about this for awhile and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
He said, “What?”