The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal
from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. “Your
Holiness,” said one of his Cardinals, Mr. Netanyahu
wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the
friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and
The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never
held a golf club in his hand. “Don’t we have a Cardinal
to represent me?” he asked.
“None that plays very well,” a Cardinal replied. “But,”
he added, “there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an
American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer
to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr.
Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition
to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win the match.”
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made.
Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The
day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican
to inform the Pope of the result. “I have some good
news and some bad news, your Holiness,” said the
“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus,” said the Pope.
“Well, your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even
though I’ve played some pretty terrific rounds of golf
in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by
far. I must’ve been inspired from above. My drives were
long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful,
and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.
“There’s bad news?” the Pope asked.
“Yes,” Nicklaus sighed. “I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes.”
Six Presidents were on a sinking boat.
Ford says, “What do we do?”
Bush says, “Man the life boats!”
Reagan says, “What life boats?”
Carter says, “Women first…”
Nixon says, “Screw the women!”
Clinton says, “You think we have time?”
Father Murphy walked into a pub in Donegal, and said to the
first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
The man said, “I do Father.”
The priest said, “Then leave this pub right now!” and
approached a second man. “Do you want to go to heaven?”
“Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply.
“Then leave this den of Satan,” said the priest, as he walked
up to O’Toole. “Do you want to go to heaven?”
“No, I don’t Father,” O’Toole replied.
The priest looked him right in the eye, and said, “You mean to
tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”
O’Toole smiled, “Oh, when I die, yes, Father. I thought you
were getting a group together to go right now.”
Words of wisdom:
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it makes misery easier to live with.
Nothing in the universe travels faster than a bad check.
A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
A cynic smells flowers and looks for the casket.
“My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That’s almost $7.00 in dog money.”
– Joe Weinstein
“In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.”
– Dereke Bruce
“When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.”
– Edward Abbey
Some days you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant.
“Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend; inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
– Groucho Marx
The Vermont farmer and his wife were shown into the dentist’s office where he made it clear he was in a big hurry.
“No fancy stuff, Doctor,” he ordered. No gas, no needles, or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with.”
“I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you,” said the dentist admiringly. “Now, which tooth is it?”
The farmer turned to his wife and said, “Show him, Becky.”
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, who he knew was an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
“Were these dishes ever washed?” he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, “They’re as clean as soap and water can get them.”
He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating.
It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, “Here, Soap! Here, Water!”
A professor at the University of Kentucky is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.
“Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?” About 40 students raise their hands.
“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?” 15 students raise their hands.
“That’s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?” 3 students raise their hands.
“That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further…Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?” One student way in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. As he ambles slowly toward the podium the professor says, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.”
The student replies,” Ghost? Shiiiiiit….. From way back there I thought you said ‘goats.'”
What did Helen Keller say when she found the cheese grater?
It was the most violent book she’d ever read.
I keep seeing these homeless people by the side of the road with signs, “Will work for food.”
Isn’t that what we’re all doing?
HELP STAMP OUT, DELETE, & ERADICATE SUPERFLUOUS REDUNDANCY