Irreverent Jokes – Issue #71

The Irreverent Joke Page

From Issue #71



The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. “I assume,” she snarled, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o’clock in the morning?”

“There is,” he replied. “Breakfast.”


Standing at the edge of a lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, “My wife is drowning and I can’t swim. Please save her. I’ll give you a hundred dollars.”

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.

Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, “Okay, where’s my hundred?”

The man said, “Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law.”

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, “Just my luck. How much do I owe you?”


One day, a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously and a genie appeared. “I’ll grant you your fondest wish,” the genie said. The man thought for a moment, then said, “I want a spectacular job"a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do.”

“Done!” said the genie. “You’re a housewife.” (POOF).


Young Son: “Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of Asia a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?”

Dad: “That happens in most countries, son.”


Do you know how many lawyer jokes there really are in the world? Only three. The rest are true stories.

A man had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the man stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’d crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “So, you’ve been out drinking again!!”

“What makes you say that?” he asked, putting on an innocent look.

“The pub called — you left your wheelchair there again.”


A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, “I haven’t eaten anything in four days.”

She looked at him and said, “God, I wish I had your will power.”


A guy comes walking into a bar with a little turtle in his hand. The turtle is a mess"it has one eye that’s black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape. The guy notices a dog laying down on the other side of the bar.

The bartender asks the man, “My gosh! What’s wrong with your turtle?”

“Absolutely nothing,” the man responds. “In fact, this turtle is very fast. Take your dog and let him stand at the end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I’ll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there on your side.”

So the bartender, thinking it’s an easy $500, agrees. The guy puts his turtle on the floor and the bartender goes to the other side of the bar. On the count of three, he calls his dog.

Suddenly, the guy picks up his turtle and throws it against the wall.

“Told you he’d be there before your dog. Pay up!”


Prosecutor: “Did you kill the victim?”

Defendant: “No, I did not.”

Prosecutor: “Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?”

Defendant: “Yes, I do. And they’re a lot better than the penalty for murder.”


A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, “I’m not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there.

So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play.”

The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, “Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?”

The player thought for a moment and then he answered, “4?”

“Did you say 4?” the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.

At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, “Come on coach, give him another chance!”


One day, at a local restaurant, a woman suddenly called out, “My son’s choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!”

A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern, wrapped his hands around the boy’s gonads and squeezed. Out popped the quarter.

The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.

“Thank you so much!” the mother cried. “Are you a paramedic?”

“No,” replied the man, “I work for the IRS.”


A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!”

The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”

To which his friend replied: “Forget it, you’ll never hit her from here!”


THE WORLD’S THINNEST BOOKS

10. THE WILD YEARS – by Al Gore

9. AMERICA’S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

8. DETROIT – A TRAVEL GUIDE

7. DR. KEVORKIAN’S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

6. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

5. MIKE TYSON’S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES – by the Sierra Club

3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS – by O. J. Simpson

1. MY BOOK OF MORALS – by Bill Clinton


After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s Day. What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight,” he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it"to find a book titled “The Meaning of Dreams.”


Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of a salary he was looking for.

“In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

“Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years…say, a red Corvette?”

“Wow! Are you kidding?”

“Yeah, but you started it.”

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