Irreverent Jokes – Issue #79

The Irreverent Joke Page

From Issue #79



A man requested a female blonde painter to paint him in the nude.

“No,” the talented blonde artist said. “I don”t do that sort of thing.”

“I’ll increase your fee two times,” he said.

“No, no thanks.”

“I’ll give five times as much as you normally get.”

She thought about this. “Okay,” she finally said, “But you have to let me at least wear my socks. I need somewhere to place my brushes.”


A lawyer awakened after a serious operation only to find himself in a room with all the blinds drawn.

“Why are all the blinds closed?” he asked the doctor.

“Well,” the surgeon responded, “They’re fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn’t want you to wake up and think the operation had failed.”


Once there was an explorer lost in the deepest part of the Amazon. After a few days, he finds himself suddenly surrounded by hundreds of bloodthirsty natives.

He looks up to the sky and says, “Oh my God, I’m screwed!!”

All of a sudden, the sky opens up, and then there is a beam of light streaming down on him, and a voice booms out, “No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your foot, and smash it onto the skull of the chief.”

So the explorer looks down, and sees the stone. He picks it up, and bashes the life out of the chief, who is standing right in front of him. And he stands on the chief, triumphant, huffing and puffing, with the bloody stone in his hand.

And the chief is down on the ground, bleeding and lifeless, with his tribesmen in shock and disbelief.

Now, the sky opens up once again, and the voice booms out… “NOW, you’re screwed.”


ATM INSTRUCTIONS

To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been established. Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances and remember them when you use the machine for the first time:

MEN

1) Drive up to the cash machine.

2) Lower your car window.

3) Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4) Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5) Retrieve card, cash, and receipt.

6) Raise window.

7) Drive off.

WOMEN

1) Drive up to cash machine.

2) Backup to align car window to machine.

3) Set parking break, lower the window.

4) Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5) Turn the radio down.

6) Attempt to insert card into machine.

7) Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8) Insert card.

9) Re-insert card right side up.

10) Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11) Enter PIN.

12) Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13) Enter amount of cash required.

14) Check make up in rear view mirror.

15) Retrieve cash and receipt.

16) Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17) Place receipt in back of checkbook.

18) Re-check make-up.

19) Drive two feet forward.

20) Back up to cash machine.

21) Retrieve card.

22) Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23) Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers waiting behind.

24) Restart stalled engine and drive away.

25) Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

26) Release parking break.


How to be a good liberal

1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can’t teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat, than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese communists.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth’s climate, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.

7. You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.

8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

9. You have to believe that hunters don’t care about nature, but loony activists who’ve never been outside of Seattle do.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

11. You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee, or Thomas Edison.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren’t.

16. You have to believe Hillary Clinton is really a lady.

17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn’t worked anywhere it’s been tried, is because the right people haven’t been in charge.

18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and sex offender belongs in the White House.

19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese is somehow in the best interest of the United States.

21. You have to believe that this piece is part of a vast right wing conspiracy.


Half a lawyer

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.

“This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter,” said one.

“No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,” said the other.

And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.

“Bring me my biggest sword,” said Solomon, “and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.”

“Sounds good to me,” said the first lady.

But the other woman said, “Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman’s daughter marry him.”

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. “The attorney must marry the first lady’s daughter,” he proclaimed.

“But she was willing to hew him in two!” exclaimed the king’s court.

“Indeed,” said wise King Solomon. “That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law.”

A group of hunters, sitting around the campfire, got to talking about the worst pain they had ever experienced. One listened quietly as the others told their tales of woe. Finally, it was his turn. He said:

“Well, the second worst pain I ever experienced happened a few years ago. I was hunting then too, and I really had to go to the bathroom. I looked around and seeing no one, I went behind a tree, pulled my pants down and squatted. But I didn’t realize I was right over a bear trap and, suddenly, it snapped shut on my testicles.”

The other men winced and one said, “Oh, that must have hurt. But if that was the second worst pain you’ve ever experienced, what was the worst?”

“When I hit the end of the chain.”

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