Irreverent Jokes – Issue #85

The Irreverent Joke Page

From Issue #85


An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said, “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said, “Then you used to kiss me.”

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek, and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said, “Then you used to bite my neck.”

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“To get my teeth.”


Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.

One remarked to the other, “Windy, isn’t it?”

“No,” the second man replied, “It’s Thursday.”

And the third man chimed in, “So am I. Let’s have a beer.


Actual announcements
from church bulletins


1. Don’t let worry kill you; let the church help.

2. Thursday church potluck; Prayer and medication to follow.

3. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

4. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.


A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?”

“Yes, sweetheart,” he answered, “God made me a long time ago.”

“Oh, she paused, “Grandpa, did God make me too?”

“Yes indeed, honey,” he said, “God made you just a little while ago.”

Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t He?”


Man driving down road.

Woman driving up the same road.

They pass each other.

Woman yells out window, “PIG!”

Man yells out window, “BITCH!”

Man rounds next curve.

Crashes into a huge pig in middle of road.

Thought For the Day:

If only men would listen.


Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.

Stu said, I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?”

Leroy replied, “I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?”


A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, “I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.”

“Me neither, Doc,” said the husband. “But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.”


Some reasons to be grateful
if you grew up speaking English:

    We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.

    One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

    You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

    If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?

    If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

    If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?

    Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

    We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother, we never say methren.

    Then the masculine pronouns are he, his, and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.
 
 

We take English for granted:

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren’t invented in England.

A Guinea pig is not a Guinea nor is it a pig.

Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wiseguy are opposites?

If Dad is Pop, how come Mom isn’t Mop?
 
 

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

Let’s face it"English is a crazy language.


Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”

The 94-year-old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells, “Was I going up the stairs or down?

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.” She knocks on wood for good measure.

She then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.

Comments are closed.