issue 144 – humor – jokes

The Irreverent Joke Page

From Issue #144


The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time: weight lifters, longshoremen, etc., but nobody could do it. One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender grabbed the lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow. But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence … as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon … and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?”

The little fellow quietly replied, “I work for the IRS.”

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the “Chicken Surprise.” The waiter brings the meal served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly, and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

“Good grief, did you see that?” she asks her husband. He hadn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

“Please sir,” says the waiter, “what you order?”

The husband replies, “Chicken Surprise.”

“Ah! So sorry,” says the waiter,”I bring you Peeking Duck.”

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing dark hoodies and sagging pants arrive. St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, “Wait here. I’ll be right back.”

St. Peter goes over to God’s chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance. God says to Peter, “How many times do I have to tell you? You can’t be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!”

St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God’s chambers and says, “Well, they’re gone.”

“The guys wearing hoodies?” asked God.

“No. The Pearly Gates.”

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