issue 151 – humor – jokes

The Irreverent Joke Page

From Issue #151


I was in a London pub on Saturday night when I noticed two very large women by the bar talking with strong accents.

I went up to them and said “Hey, are you ladies from Scotland?”

One of them turned to me and said, “It’s Wales, you idiot!”

So I immediately apologized and said, “Sorry, are you whales from Scotland?”

That’s all I remember.

An angry wife was complaining about her husband, Paddy, spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.

“What’ll you have?” he asked.

“Oh, I don’t know. The same as you I suppose,” she replied.

So, Paddy ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

“Yuck, that’s TERRIBLE!” she spluttered. “I don’t know how you can drink this stuff!”

“Well, there you go,” cried Paddy. “And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!”

The National Institutes of Health has just released the results of a $20 million research study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins. The study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”

Her neighbor asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The little silver-haired lady says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”

He takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh, “let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”

I went fishing one morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniel’s and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back and he went limp.
I released back him into the lake without
incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that damn snake, with two more frogs.

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