issue 153 – humor – jokes

The Irreverent Joke Page

From Issue #153


The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they’re always assured of having a worthy opponent.

“You’re a high-priced lawyer. If I give you 500 dollars, will you answer two questions?”

“Absolutely! What’s the second question?”

After a meeting several days ago, I couldn’t find my keys. I quickly gave myself a personal “TSA Pat Down.”

They weren’t in my pockets. Suddenly, I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car’s ignition; he’s afraid that the car could be stolen.

As I looked around the empty parking lot, I realized he was right.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband:”I left my keys in the car and it’s been stolen.”

There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. “Are you kidding me?” he barked, “I dropped you off!”

Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

He retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn’t steal your damn car!”

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician, who was also a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss’s wife, and taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. But as the days went on, I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”

Just as the priest finished his talk the politician arrived, full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to give his speech.

“I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession.”

Question: Why are Irish jokes so simple?

Answer: So the English can understand them.

A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

The federal government, which has Tomahawk cruise missiles and Apache, Blackhawk, Kiowa, and Lakota helicopters, and used the code name “Geronimo” in the attack that killed Osama bin Laden, officially objects to the name of the Washington Redskins.

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