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Volume 11 Number 4

April 21, 2009

INSIDE BHM

Digital Issue Update

We've been holding off sending this out so our newsletter readers could be among the first to try out our new Digital Issue. However, as with most things digital, good intentions and deadlines often get trumped by bugs - the software kind.

The experience has taught us a lesson, though. In the future, we'll refrain from making announcements in the magazine or online until we are 100%-mostly-pretty-sure we have all our eggs in the basket...or all our ducks in a row...or whichever other metaphor you prefer.

That said, we do expect to have things ready by the end of this month.

We hope.

SELF-RELIANCE TIPS

How to Make Your Own Baby Food

Using Fresh, Frozen, Dried, or Canned Ingredients

With planting season having come 'round again, we decided to dedicate this month's recipe section to ways of using up last year's home-canned fruits and vegetables. Along the way we ran into helpful information on making your own baby food. So we thought we'd kick off our Self-Reliance Tips section with both tips and bonus recipes for creating your own infant cuisine.

Homemade baby foods have several advantages:

They may save you money.
You have greater control over exactly what your infant eats.
You reduce the plastic, glass, and metal wastes that come with commercial baby foods.
They help you gradually introduce your little one to the foods your family regularly eats.
They are as nutritious, and often more nutritious, than store-bought.
They may be made with fresh, frozen, or canned ingredients.
And of course they give you one more way of using up last year's home-canned goodies.

What to Feed; What NOT to Feed

The simplest baby foods are nothing more than mashed or pureed fruits or vegetables (or combinations of the two). You may use fresh, frozen, or canned. But be sure not to introduce too much salt or sugar to a baby's diet. For many years, commercial infant foods were sometimes loaded with both. Why? To appease the taste buds of mothers. But babies, we now know, don't benefit by over-dosing on those ingredients.

Some foods, like ripe bananas, you can just mash with a fork, no cooking and no special preparations required. Foods with seeds (like strawberries) may need to be squeezed through a sieve. Yet others -- including most vegetables -- will need to be pre-cooked before you puree (liquefy) them.

In some cases, you might also need to add a fluid to get the right consistency. Suitable fluids may include, but aren't limited to, cow's milk, goat's milk, your own breast milk, or water.

Popular foods for baby:

Mashed bananas
Applesauce
Cooked & pureed dried prunes
Soft-cooked (or canned) and pureed pears, peaches, or apricots
Butternut squash
Potatoes
Peas
Green beans
Sweet potatoes
Wax beans
Asparagus

You may also feed pureed meats as your infant gets a little older. To prepare meat for baby, make sure it's thoroughly and safely cooked and that you have removed all gristle, bone, connective tissue, and excess fat before grinding and/or pureeing the meat.

When baby is somewhere between eight and 11 months is the time to start adding soft table food to his or her diet. At that age, baby has side-to-side control of its tongue and can begin learning to hold and "aim" a spoon (with lots of help from you!). Chewing, finger-feeding himself, and drinking from a sippy-cup (again with your help) soon follow.

Once baby reaches that stage, you can gradually wean her off the liquefied foods and experiment with feeding mashed or diced fruit; soft-cooked or mashed vegetables; mashed, cooked egg yolk; strained meats or poultry; mashed, cooked dry beans and peas; cottage cheese or cheese cubes; sliced bread; and crackers.

Be Sparing ...

With vegetables that have high nitrate levels.

Nitrate-rich veggies include beets, broccoli, cabbage, carrots, celery, collard greens, lettuce, spinach and turnips. It's perfectly okay to feed them to your little one, as long as you do so in small quantities -- a tablespoon or two per meal, at most.

What happens is that the natural nitrates (with an "a") may change to nitrites (with an "i") during the digestion process. Nitrites bind iron in the blood, which makes it harder for the circulatory system to carry oxygen. Baby may have a harder time breathing, and can even cause skin to turn blue.

Again, though, the rule is moderation. Don't deny your infant these foods; they have many other healthy benefits. Just keep them to a minimum.

The Method

Wash your hands well with hot water and soap. Scrub, rinse, and dry with clean towel before fixing your baby's food, before feeding your baby, and after changing your baby's diapers.
Scrub all working surfaces with soap and hot water.
Scrub all equipment with soap and hot water, and rinse all the soap off.
Prepare fresh fruits or vegetables by scrubbing, paring or peeling, and removing seeds.
Removing all bones, skin, connective tissue, gristle, and fat from meats.
Cook foods, when necessary. Boil them in a small, covered saucepan with a minimal amount of water until tender. The less water used, the more nutrients stay in the food, so use just enough to keep the food from sticking and to allow it to move around in the pot for thorough cooking.
Puree food using a blender, food processor, baby food grinder, spoon or fork. Grind tough foods. Cut everything into small pieces or thin slices. Remove seeds and pits from fruit.
To test for smoothness: Rub a small amount of the processed food between your fingers. Add a liquid to achieve a desired consistency.
When preparing foods for the whole family, remember to separate baby's portion before adding seasoning or spices. Babies taste buds and bodies don't crave or require all those spices, sugars, and loads of salt we adults get used to.

To Store and Reheat

If the newly pureed food is not going to be used right away, refrigerate or freeze it quickly.
A tip for freezing: Pour cooled, pureed food into a cupcake liner or sections of a clean ice cube tray. Cover with foil or plastic wrap. When the cubes or "patties" of food are frozen solid, store them in a freezer bag or plastic freezer-safe container.
To thaw, place the bag of freezer container into a pan of hot water or put it in the microwave on defrost. (Check first to make sure the container is microwave-safe.) When using the microwave, do not thaw or cook baby's food with a cover of plastic wrap over it; some of the plastic may get into the food. Also be sure to stir microwaved food to even out the temperature, since microwaved food often has hot or cool spots. Then let it sit a few minutes before serving.
Never re-freeze thawed foods.

Equipment You'll Need

Sieve or strainer: It should have a small mesh. Press foods through it with the back of a spoon. It can be used for juices, soft fruits and vegetables, but not meats.

Spoons, forks, and potato masher: Use these to "squish" soft foods, such as canned fruits, egg yolks, bananas, and potatoes, to the right consistency.

Food mills or grinders: Country person that you are, you may already have a food mill in your canning supplies. If not, they're available wherever you buy kitchen supplies. The smaller size baby food mill can be purchased in the baby section of department stores. The smaller one is handy when traveling, but either small or regular sized will do in most cases. The larger mills and grinders are useful when preparing meats.

Blenders: Your blender can come in handy to prepare food for baby. Non-spicy, non-sugary food cooked for the family can be blended smooth for baby.

Plastic ice cube trays: Great for freezing extra food. After the pureed food is frozen, remove the cubes and store in a container designed for freezing.

Baby Food Recipes

Fruit Delight

1/2 cup freshly cooked or home-canned fruits, or cooked dried prunes (without sugar) (Use apples, pears, peaches, nectarines, apricots or prunes)
2-4 teaspoons liquid (water, unsweetened fruit juice—not citrus—or formula)

Remove skin and seeds. Press through a sieve, or put ingredients in food mill or blender and puree until smooth. Serve or freeze. Freeze no longer than 1 month.

Applesauce with a Plus

1 medium apple
4 tablespoons pineapple juice

Peel, quarter and core apple. Cook with pineapple juice until soft. Blend until smooth in texture.

Fresh Fruit Fancy

3/4 cup ripe fruit (uncooked peaches, nectarines, pears or apricots) without sugar
1 tablespoon unsweetened fruit juice (not citrus)

Remove skin and seeds. Puree ingredients in baby food mill or blender until smooth. Serve or freeze. Freeze no longer than 1 month.

Veggie Medley

1/2 cup cooked fresh, frozen or canned vegetables (potato, sweet potato, green beans, peas, carrots, yellow squash), without salt added
2-4 tablespoons cooking liquid, formula or water

Cook fresh vegetables or use frozen or canned vegetables without salt or seasoning. (Read labels for ingredients.) Press vegetable chunks through a sieve or baby food mill. Thin with cooking liquid or formula to eating consistency. Or put cooked vegetables and liquid in a blender and puree until smooth. Serve or freeze. Freeze no longer than 1 month.

Note: After the individual vegetables have been fed several times, some good combinations are: potatoes and carrots, potatoes and green beans, carrots and peas.

Strained Meat

(for babies over 8 months)

1/2 cup cooked meat (small pieces of lean chicken, beef, turkey or pork)
2-4 tablespoons meat broth or formula

Cook lean meat (fat, skin and connective tissue removed) over low heat in a small amount of water. Puree meat and liquid until smooth. Serve or freeze. Freeze no longer than one month.

Egg Yolk Puree

(for babies over 8 months)

Cook one egg in simmering water 15 to 20 minutes. Remove shell. Remove yolk and mash with 1 tablespoon of formula or water until smooth. Serve or freeze. Freeze no longer than 1 month.

Note: Use only the yolk. Avoid feeding egg whites until 1 year to avoid problems with allergies. Use the extra egg white in the family's casseroles, salads or sandwiches.

Choose-Your-Own Combo

(for babies over 8 months)

1 cup cooked, cubed or diced meat (cut off fat)
1/2 cup cooked rice, potato, noodles or macaroni
2/3 cup cooked, diced vegetables
3/4 to 1 cup liquid (formula, broth or water)

Combine and blend until smooth. Serve or freeze in serving-size containers. If frozen, use within 1 month.

Note: If you prepare combination dishes, use them only after you have fed the individual food several times.

Creamy Custard

(for babies over 1 year)

3 egg yolks
2 tablespoons sugar
2 cups milk, warmed

Mix egg yolks and sugar. Stir in milk and mix well. Cook over low heat, stirring constantly, until mixture coats the spoon. Refrigerate. Use within 2 to 3 days

We are grateful to the University of Maine Cooperative Extension Office for much of the information, including the recipes, used in this article.

RECIPES

Use 'Em Up!

It's time to start thinking about using up last year's preserved fruits and vegetables. After all, you're soon going to need those jars and need that space in the freezer for this year's crop. Also, even when preserved foods retain their tastiness, remember that they're slowly losing nutritive value. So evaluate your stocks -- and with these delicious recipes, enjoy!

Each recipe uses at least one canned, frozen, or dried ingredient, sometimes as a main ingredient, sometimes just as a special little taste-enhancer.

Cranberry Wild Rice Salad

1 cup wild rice, rinsed
3-1/2 cups water
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 tart apple, diced (sprinkled with lemon juice to preserve color)
3/4 cup dried cranberries
1/2 cup minced parsley
1 cup mixed nuts of your choice (walnut, pecans, almonds, cashews, sunflower nuts, etc.)

Cider Dressing
1/2 cup apple cider or juice
Zest of 1 lemon, grated
1 tablespoon fresh lemon juice
3 tablespoons olive oil
1/2 teaspoon salt

Place rice, salt, and water in a saucepan and bring to a boil. Reduce heat to low, cover and cook until well done (about 45-50 minutes). Drain any excess water and cool.

Combine cooked rice with apple, cranberries, and parsley in a large serving bowl.

Combine all dressing ingredients. Just before serving, combine dressing with rice mix. Serve and top with nuts.

Cheesy Asparagus Bake

20 ounces frozen asparagus, partly thawed (or 2 lbs fresh asparagus)
1/2 cup toasted almonds, slivered
1 cup cheese-cracker crumbs

Sauce
4 tablespoons butter
4 tablespoons flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 cups milk
2 cups sharp cheddar cheese, grated
1 tablespoon sherry
1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce

If using fresh asparagus, wash and parboil it 2-3 minutes. (No need to do this for frozen.)

For sauce, melt butter over low heat, blend in flour and salt. Cook until smooth. Stir in milk and heat to boiling, stirring constantly. After boiling for 1 minute, add remaining sauce ingredients. Stir until cheese melts, then remove from heat.

Arrange half of the asparagus in a 2 quart casserole. Top with half the almonds, cheese sauce, and crumbs. Repeat layer. Bake uncovered 40-50 minutes until bubbly. (May be refrigerated overnight before cooking, if needed.)

Zesty Broccoli

2 cups frozen broccoli (you may also use fresh)
4 teaspoons sugar
1 tablespoon vegetable oil
1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar
1 tablespoon soy sauce
1 teaspoon dried minced onion

Cook broccoli in water long enough to make it al dente. Drain. While broccoli is cooking, combine remaining ingredients and heat until sugar is dissolved. Toss with broccoli and serve.

Braised Chicken with Fruit

6 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
Butter
1 cup orange juice or orange/pineapple juice
1/4 cup honey
2 tablespoons lemon juice
1/2 teaspoon curry powder
1 teaspoon salt
Any of the following canned or fresh fruits: peaches, pears, apricots (dried apricots also work well), kumquats, prunes, raisins, mandarin oranges, cherries, grapes (use at least 3 or 4 varieties)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Brown chicken in butter.

Mix together juices, honey, curry powder, and salt. Dip the browned chicken in this sauce, then lay the chicken in a 9 x 13 baking pan and pour the sauce over it. Bake uncovered 20 minutes. Turn the chicken over, and at that point add the fruits of your choice. Baste the fruit with the sauce and cook an additional 30 minutes or until the chicken is tender.

All kinds of fruits work well, but the most interesting combinations involve different textures, colors, and sizes of fruit -- for instance, canned pears, raisins, and dried apricots; or canned apricots, grapes, and prunes. The combinations are endless.

Sweet and Sour Chicken

This dish is nothing like the batter-fried, red-sauced dish you typically find in a Chinese restaurant.

1 pound of chicken tenders or boneless, skinless breasts, cut into chunks
1-2 tablespoons vegetable oil
1 pint (or 1 15-ounce can) of pineapple chunks, undrained
1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
1 tablespoon wine vinegar
2 tablespoons steak sauce
2 tablespoons soy sauce
dash of Worcestershire sauce
3/4 cup chicken broth
1 tablespoon honey
1 cup carrots, sliced
1 cup celery, chopped
1 can water chestnuts, sliced
1 green pepper, sliced
1 tablespoon cornstarch

Make a sauce of the pineapple, ginger, wine vinegar, steak sauce, soy sauce, Worcestershire sauce, chicken broth, and honey. Set it aside.

In a large, deep skillet, brown chicken in vegetable oil. Add the carrots, celery, and water chestnuts and sauté with the chicken several more minutes. Pour the sauce over the chicken and vegetables and continue cooking on medium-high heat until the vegetables are pleasantly crunchy. Add the green pepper.

Mix the cornstarch with a tablespoon of water, stir, and pour into the skillet in the last few minutes to thicken the sauce.

Serve over rice.

Chili Diane

2 pounds lean ground beef
1 cup green pepper, chopped
1 cup onion, chopped
2 cloves garlic, chopped
1 quart whole peeled tomatoes (or diced tomatoes)
2 cans kidney beans, drained
1 6 ounce can tomato paste
1 can tomato sauce
1-1/2 cups water
generous dash Worcestershire sauce
1 tablespoon chili powder
1 teaspoon cumin
1/4 teaspoon pepper
salt to taste

In a large, deep skillet or stew pot brown hamburger with green pepper, onion, and garlic. Drain off liquid. Add all other ingredients and simmer one hour or more.

Serve over rice. Or sprinkle with cheese, onions, crumbled tortilla chips, sour cream, or the topping of your choice.

Orange-Spiced Peaches

1 quart canned peach halves or slices
1/2 teaspoon whole cloves
1 six-inch cinnamon stick
10 whole allspice
1/3 vinegar
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1/2 unpeeled orange, quartered

Drain peaches, reserving 1/2-cup of their syrup. Tie spices in cheesecloth. In a saucepan, combine reserved peach syrup, vinegar, sugar, orange slices, peaches, and spices. Heat to boiling. Lower heat and simmer five minutes. Let cool to room temperature & remove spice bag. Serve warm or chilled.

Fragrant Glazed Pears

1-1/2 quarts pear halves in juice or syrup
3 cinnamon sticks
3/4 teaspoon grated orange peel
3 tablespoons golden raisins
3 tablespoons cognac (optional)
1/2 cup honey

Drain pear halves, reserving liquid. Place pears in an airtight container and refrigerate until ready to serve.

Place pear liquid in a small saucepan with cinnamon sticks and orange peel. Bring to a boil over medium heat. Lower heat and simmer 10-15 minutes until liquid is reduced to 3/4 cup. Stir in raisins and cognac. Simmer one more minute. Remove mixture from heat and stir in honey. Allow mixture to cool. Remover cinnamon sticks. Refrigerate glaze until ready to serve.

To serve, place pears on plates and spoon honey-glaze mixture over them.

Jam Squares

2 cups uncooked oatmeal
1-3/4 cups flour
1 cup butter, softened
1 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup chopped nuts (optional)
1 teaspoon cinnamon
3/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1 cup of your favorite jam Combine all ingredients except jam in a large mixing bowl. Beat until crumbly. Set aside 2 cups of this mixture. Press remaining crumbs into a greased 9 x 13 pan. Spread with jam. Sprinkle reserved crumbs on top. Bake at 400 degrees F. for 25-30 minutes. Let cool and cut into squares.

HUMOR

Dirty Rotten Scoundrels

Back in the days of the old west, Black Bart, the notorious bad man, two six-guns in hand, roared into a saloon one day. Standing in the middle of the floor, he shouted,

"All you dirty bums get out of here so I can drink in peace!"

In seconds the bar was emptied of about 40 men, save only for one elderly fellow, who was calmly eating a bowl of beans.

Bart swaggered over and to the old man.

"Well?" said he menacingly.

The old timer looked at the bandit calmly,

"Sure was a lot of 'em, wasn't there?"

Talking About the Weather

I'm told that the western desert of Chile probably ranks as the driest place on the planet. Certain regions of Arizona, however, are strong contenders.

Once a visitor to a small community near Yuma inquired of a local,

"Does it ever rain out here?"

The response was quick and direct:

"Yes, it does."

"When?" asked the visitor.

"Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?"

The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood."

"Well," the Arizonan puffed up, "we got about half an inch that time ..."

An Age-Old Gamble

A woman is having a bad day at the Wheel of Fortune table in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What horrible luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A gentleman next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know. Why don't you play your age?" and walks away.

Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the table. Maybe, she won!

Rushing back and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy. She put all her money on 39. When 51 came up she fainted!"

Census Sense

Census time will soon be here again, as happens every ten years. The last time the census was taken, Pa made his contribution early and decisively.

While sitting on his porch, Pa was engaged in a serious whittling session. He was lost in contemplation, having recently heard that certain of the large retail chain stores will take most anything back at this time of year and not ask for a receipt, and considering whether this might not be the basis for a loophole in his marriage license. Whereupon, a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand approached the house.

"What are you selling young man," said Pa.

"I'm not selling anything," the fellow said. I'm the census taker."

"A what?" Pa asked, in his most excessively literal tone.

"A Census Taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in these United States."

"Well," Pa replied, "you're wasting your time with me. I have no idea whatever."

Building Blonde

Two blondes were building a house. One blonde was cutting the wood and the other was on a ladder nailing. Before hammering in a nail the blonde on the ladder would reach into her nail pouch, draw out a nail, inspect it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to hammer it into the wood.

The other blonde watched her do this for several minutes. After she could take it no longer yelled up, "Why are you throwing perfectly good nails away?!"

"Whoa! Don't yell!" the blonde on the ladder explained, "If it's pointed toward me when I pull it out of my pouch, I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it safely! Duh!"

The second blonde became irate at this point and started to call her all kinds of names, referencing how stupid she was, and how she was the reason blondes get a bad rap for being dumb. Then she explained the importance of keeping all the nails. "Don't throw away the nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house! Duh!"

The Wreck

You know how it is when you're a poor student. Take this young man, just finishing up college. The only car he could afford was an old wreck that, to put it frankly, ran only on duct tape and prayers. The body was dented all over, the paint was peeling, and the bumpers were rusted.

One morning, as he left his apartment building, he noticed a young woman sobbing near his rustbucket.

"What's wrong?" asked he.

"I know I hit this car," said she, "but I can't figure out where ..."

A Brief History of Time

3050 B.C. - A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business ethic for all times.

2900 B.C. - Wondering why the Egyptians call that new thing a Sphinx becomes the first of the world's Seven Great Wonders.

1850 B.C. - Britons proclaim Operation Stonehenge a success. They've finally gotten those boulders arranged in a sufficiently meaningless pattern to confuse scientists for centuries.

1785 B.C. - The first calendar, composed of a year with 354 days, is introduced by Babylonian scientists.

1768 B.C. - Babylonians realize something is wrong when winter begins in June.

776 B.C. - The world's first known money appears in Persia, immediately causing the world's first known counterfeiter to appear in Persia the next day.

525 B.C. - The first Olympics are held, and prove similar to the modern games, except that the Russians don't try to enter a six-footer with a moustache in the women's shot put. However, the Egyptians do.

410 B.C. - Rome ends the practice of throwing debtors into slavery, thus removing the biggest single obstacle to the development of the credit card.

404 B.C. - The Peloponnesian war has been going on for 27 years now because neither side can find a treaty writer who knows how to spell Peloponnesian.

214 B.C. - Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a generation to build the 1,500 mile long Great Wall of China. And after all that, it still doesn't keep the neighbor's dog out.

1 B.C. - Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement over what to call next year.

79 A.D. - Buying property in Pompeii turns out to have been a lousy real estate investment.

432 - St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby giving the natives something interesting to fight about for the rest of their recorded history.

1000 - Leif Ericsson discovers America, but decides it's not worth mentioning.

1125 - Arabic numerals are introduced to Europe, enabling peasants to solve the most baffling problem that confronts them: How much tax do you owe on MMMDCCCLX Lira when you're in the XXXVI percent bracket?

1233 - The Inquisition is set up to torture and kill anyone who disagrees with the Law of the Church. However, the practice is so un-Christian that it is permitted to continue for only 600 years.

1297 - The world's first stock exchange opens, but no one has the foresight to buy Microsoft or Oracle.

1456 - An English judge reviews Joan of Arc's case and cancels her death sentence. Unfortunately for her, she was put to death in 1431.

1492 - Columbus proves how lost he really is by landing in the Bahamas, naming the place San Salvador, and calling the people who live there Indians.

1497 - Amerigo Vespucci becomes the 7th or 8th explorer to come to the new world, but the first to think of naming it in honor of himself ... the United States of Vespuccia.

1508 - Michelangelo finally agrees to paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, but he still refuses to wash the windows.

1513 - Ponce de Leon claims he found the Fountain of youth, but dies of old age trying to remember where it was he found it.

1522 - Scientists, who know the world is flat, conclude that Magellan made it all the way around by crawling across the bottom.

1607 - The Indians laugh themselves silly as the first European tourist to visit Virginia tries to register as "John Smith."

1618 - Future generations are doomed as the English execute Sir Walter Raleigh, but allow his tobacco plants to live.

1642 - Nine students receive the first Bachelor of Arts degrees conferred in America, and immediately discover there are no jobs open for a kid with a liberal arts education.

1670 - The pilgrims are too busy killing false witches to observe the golden anniversary of their winning religious freedom.

1755 - Samuel Johnson issues the first English Dictionary, at last providing a means for printed spelling errors to be committed.

1758 - New Jersey is chosen as the site of America's first Indian reservation, which should give Indians an idea of the kind of shabby living conditions they can expect from here on out.

1763 - The French and Indian War ends. The French and Indians both lost.

1770 - The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre touches off the Revolution. 200 Years later, three shootings in Boston will be considered just about average for a Saturday Night.

1773 - Colonists dump tea into Boston Harbor. British call the act "barbaric," noting that no one added cream.

1776 - Napoleon decides to maintain a position of neutrality in the American Revolution, primarily because he is only seven years old.

1779 - John Paul Jones notifies the British, "I have just begun to fight!" and then feels pretty foolish when he discovers that his ship is sinking.

1793 - "Let them eat cake!" becomes the most famous thing Marie Antoinette ever said. Also, the least diplomatic thing she ever said. Also, the last thing she ever said.

1799 - Translation of the Rosetta Stone finally enables scholars to learn that Egyptian hieroglyphics, as with most communications, don't say anything important. "Dear Ramses, How are you? I am fine."

1805 - Robert Fulton invents the torpedo.

1807 - Robert Fulton invents the steamship so he has something to blow up with his torpedo.

1815 - Post Office policy is established as Andrew Jackson wins the Battle of New Orleans a month after he should have received the letter telling him the War of 1812 is over.

1840 - William Henry Harrison is elected president in a landslide, proving that the campaign motto, "Tippecanoe and Tyler too" is so meaningless that very few can disagree with it.

1850 - Henry Clay announces, "I'd rather be right than president," which gets quite a laugh, coming from a guy who has run for president five times without winning.

1859 - Charles Darwin writes "Origin of the Species". It has the same general plot as "Planet of the Apes", but fails to gross as much money.

1865 - Union Soldiers face their greatest challenge of the war: getting General Grant sober enough to accept Lee's surrender.

1894 - Thomas Edison displays the first motion picture, and everybody likes it except the movie critics.

1903 - The opening of the Trans-Siberian Railway enables passengers from Moscow to reach Vladivostok in eight days, which is a lot sooner than most of them want to get there.

1910 - The founding of the Boy Scouts of America comes as bad news to old ladies who would rather cross the street by themselves.

1911- Roald Amundsen discovers the South Pole and confirms what he's suspected all along: It looks a lot like the North Pole ...

1912 - People with reservations for the voyage of the Titanic get their money back.

1920 - The 18th Amendment to the Constitution makes drinking illegal in the U.S. so everyone stops. Except for the 40 million who don't stop.

1924 - Hitler is released from prison four years early after convincing the parole board that he is a changed man who won't cause any more trouble.

1928 - Herbert Hoover promises "a chicken in every pot and a car in every garage," but he neglects to add that most Americans will soon be without pots and garages.

1930 - Pluto is discovered. Not the dog, the planet. The dog wasn't discovered until 1938. The planet was later demoted to a non-planet.

1933 - German housewives begin to realize why that crazy wallpaper hanger with the moustache never came back to finish his work.

1933 - Hitler establishes the Third Reich, and announces that it will last for a thousand years. As matters develop, he is only 988 years off.

1934 - John Dillinger is gunned down by police as he leaves a Chicago movie theater. And just to make the evening a complete washout, he didn't enjoy the movie either.

1934 - As if the Great Depression weren't giving businessmen enough headaches, Ralph Nader is born.

1938 - Great Britain and Germany sign a peace treaty, thereby averting all possibility of WWII.

1944 - Hitler's promise of Volkswagens for all Germans as soon as they've won the war doesn't prove to be as strong an incentive as he had hoped.

OTHER STUFF

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