From a dying man’s wife
Saturday, April 12th, 2014I’ve told you before that a longtime friend of this blog is dying. Cancer. And the disease is taking its own long, harrowing time. When I’ve etalked with him, he’s seemed in good spirits, though tired. It’s much harder on his wife, he says. And in my few contacts with her, I see.
Yesterday she sent me the following and gave permission to post it. The following words are hers:
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I have been introspective for the past few days. I am rambling here so please forgive me. F. and I have spent a good part of our youth preparing for the future. We worked hard and saved money to insure financial security, we learned how to hunt, grow food, defend ourselves, basic first aid, make wine, soap, and many other necessary skills to be able to survive if our world as we knew it, should come crashing down.
Illness and death of a partner was one skill too hard to imagine, so we had no plan. And here we are. Over the course of two years now, I have watched a healthy, strong man grow old. I have had my heart broken a few times in my life when I thought my world was ending. Watching my life partner die is the worst pain I have ever had. My plan had always been to die first, and I did all the wrong things healthwise to ensure that. Well, the universe had other plans and here we are.
I love how my friends and family tell me to be strong. “YOU can do this” “You are a strong women.” Well I don’t want to be strong. I just want to curl up next to my man and have him hold me. One more time. That’s not going to happen.
So here’s my message. NEVER take someone you love for granted. ALWAYS tell them you love them. And show it.
April 12th, 2014
Oh man….. So soory to hear about this. My wife passed on back in ’08. I don’t think words can express the emotions one goes through with something like this. Also, at least with me, and I’ve heard others say as well that a sort of safety net exists in one’s brain during this period of time. It works as a sort of shield in that it stops one from going overboard emotionally. One realizes what is happening, but can continue on giving care, love, etc. If I were to offer any advice…it would be to seek hospice support. Those people are fantastic. In a way, we as a country for the most part, at least in the past fifty years have been shielded from death compared to those who are now elderly. Why? How? Well, for one thing nedical practice today is far far more advanced that when I was a young man. That, plus today…..how many today haven’t experienced thier elderly relatives dying until they were into their 30′s or maybe even their 40′s? In short….death today for most folks is not experienced by the survivors until almost in their middle age. In short….we have forgotten how to deal with it. Please, I in no way am trying to put this in a bad light. Loss of a loved one it painful. Again, my sympathies to this family.
April 12th, 2014
Curt S — What a kind, wise, good-hearted message. Thank you. I hope both members of that wonderful couple get to read it.
One good thing; they do have hospice support and have described the hospice workers as “angels.” Apparently F.’s pain is being well managed by his doctor, too. Still, I can only imagine how wearing a two-year ordeal like this must be.
I’m sorry that you had to lose your wife, too.
April 12th, 2014
Shared.
April 12th, 2014
I’m so sorry for your friends. An old, familiar story to me, but one that never loses its power and pain. My husband died just two months after diagnosis, and I’ll always regret the things I didn’t say or do. There was no hospice then, but I’m glad there is now.
Use the “good” dishes, wear your beautiful sweater, eat the good stuff and take the trip now if you can afford it. Life is short, and it may well be shorter than you ever dreamed.
Tell those you love exactly how you feel about them, often. Word and deed.
April 12th, 2014
When you pray for the afflicted, pray for the caregivers.
April 12th, 2014
There are no words, so I’ll just share the tears and pray for comfort and peace.
April 12th, 2014
It’s extremely impressive that your friend is still thinking of others, even those she doesn’t know. There’s nothing I can say that would be of any help, so I’ll just post links to a couple of excellent books (which I may have posted before).
When Bad Things Happen to Good People http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=when+bad+things+happen+to+good+people+kushner&rh=n%3A283155%2Ck%3Awhen+bad+things+happen+to+good+people+kushner
I Wasn’t Read to Say Goodbye http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_0_9?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=i+wasn%27t+ready+to+say+goodbye&sprefix=i+wasn%27t+%2Cstripbooks%2C200&rh=n%3A283155%2Ck%3Ai+wasn%27t+ready+to+say+goodbye
April 13th, 2014
My wife of 40 years passed 3 years ago. While I have found a wonderful gal, it still hurts to think of what I’ve lost. Sadly, I can empathize.