President and Mrs. Clinton are in the front row at a Yankees game. The row behind them is taken up with Secret Service agents. One of them leans over and whispers in the President’s ear. Mr. Clinton pauses, then suddenly grabs Hillary by the scruff of the neck and heaves her over the railing. She falls 10 feet to the top of the dugout, kicking and screaming obscenities.
The President shakes hands of those near him and gets “high fives.” The Secret Service agent leans over again and whispers, “Mr. President, I said they want you to throw out the first PITCH!”
A guy gets up really early in the morning to go ice fishing. He goes out onto the ice with his tent, his pick, and his fishing rod and starts to pick at the ice. Then he hears a big booming voice: “THERE’S NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”
The guy looks around and then starts to pick at the ice again.
Then he hears the voice again: “THERE’S NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”
Now the guy is getting a little edgy.
He looks up, “God, is that you?”
There’s no answer, so he starts picking again.
“THERE’S NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”
Then the guy yells “God, is that you?”
“NO, IT’S THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.”
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a gut, and still think they are God’s gift.
A doctor is testing three elderly Alzheimer’s patients. He asked the first, “What’s three times three?”
The patients replied, “187.” The doctor rolled his eyes.
He asked the second patient, “What’s three times three?”
The patient replied, Thursday.” The doctor shook his head.
He asked the third patient, “What’s three times three?”
The third patient replied, “Nine.” “That’s right. How did you get nine?”
“I subtracted 187 from Thursday.”
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s adoctor.'”
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.”
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, “Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face.”
“Yes, sir,” the boys said.
“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”
A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up.”
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?
“No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself.”
A state government employee sits in his office, and out of boredom he decides to see what’s in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.
“This will look nice on my mantelpiece,” he decides and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.
“I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now.” He gets his Pepsi and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.
“I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside.” Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish:
“I wish I’d never have to work ever again.”
POOF! he’s back in his government office.
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’s sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said. “If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6,000.
“Now,” he concluded, “which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?”
Van Gogh jokes
After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His obnoxious brother, Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt, Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop n’ Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois, Chica Gogh
His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin’s American half brother, Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach, Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst, E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin, Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking, Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco, Go Gogh
His Italian uncle, Day Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay Gogh
What’s the difference between a divorce lawyer and a boxing referee?
A boxing referee doesn’t get paid more for a longer fight.
Lawyer: Someone who makes sure that he gets what’s coming to you.
There’s an interesting new novel about two ex-convicts. One of them studies to become a lawyer, and the other decides to go straight.
Four out of five doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted island with no lawyers, they wouldn’t need any aspirin.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the newspaper?
Why should lawyers always be buried face down? If they wake up, they’ll start digging.
While driving down a desert highway, you see Saddam Hussein on one side of the road, and a lawyer on the other. Which do you hit first?
Hussein. Business before pleasure.
The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up and said, “I have to go back to the office. I forgot to lock the safe!”
The other partner replied, “What are you worried about? We’re both here.”
TOP TEN THINGS THAT MEN
UNDERSTAND ABOUT WOMEN