From Issue #159
When a new dentist set up in town, he quickly acquired a reputation of being the "painless" dentist. However, a local little girl called Gemima disputed his claim.
"He's a fake!" Gemima told her friends. "He's not painless at all. When he stuck his finger in my mouth I bit him — and he screamed like anyone else."
A mathematician, an engineer, and a computer scientist are vacationing together. They are riding in a car, enjoying the countryside, when suddenly the engine stops working.
The mathematician: "We passed a gas station a few minutes ago. Someone should go back and ask for help."
The engineer: "I should have a look at the engine. Perhaps I can fix it."
The computer scientist: "Why don't we just open the doors, slam them shut, and see if everything works again?"
Morris, an 82 year-old Bostonian, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"
The IRS returned a tax return to a man in New York City after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly.
In response to the question, "Do you have anyone dependent on you?" the man wrote: "7.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack-heads, 4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in more than 85 prisons, plus 450 idiots in Congress, and a group that calls themselves politicians."
The IRS stated that the response he gave was unacceptable.
The man's response back to the IRS was, "Who did I leave out?"
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
A husband had just finished reading a book about being the man of the house.
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of the house and my word is law. I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a scrumptious dessert. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."