Q.: How do you get someone with a liberal arts degree off your porch?
A.: You pay him for the pizza.
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Q. What do the men in a singles bar have in common?
A. They’re all married.
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A man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house his wife wanted him to do. When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”
“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”
“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
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A blonde goes for a job interview and the interviewer starts with the basics. “Miss, would you please tell me your age?”
The blonde hesitates then starts to count carefully on her fingers for half a minute before finally saying. “I’m…ahh…22.”
The interviewer asks, “And how tall are you, please?”
The young lady stands up, pulls a measuring tape from her handbag, steps on one end and brings the other end to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, “I’m five foot two.”
This isn’t looking too good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something she won’t have to count, measure, or lookup. “Just to confirm for our records, what is your name please?”
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something silently to herself. finally, she says, “My name is Jenny.”
The interviewer is perplexed, but finally he asks, “What were you doing when I asked you your name?”
“I was just running through that song.”
“What song?”
“You know, ‘Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear…'”
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Q.: Why aren’t civil servants allowed to look out the windows in the morning?
A.: Because they won’t have anything to do in the afternoon.
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Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had a fight with the little woman.”
“Oh, yeah?” said Eddie. “How’d this one end?”
“When it was over,” Harvey replied, “she came to me on her hands and knees.”
“Really? Now that’s a switch. What did she say?”
“She said, ‘Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel.'”
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An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands and sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him in his final moment. But they were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the lawyer said, “Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?”
The preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, “Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I want to go, too.”
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You might be a redneck if rather than drinking the sacramental wine at church you bring your own.
You might be a redneck if you let your 12-year old daughter smoke in front of her kids.
You might be a redneck if you’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You might be a redneck if anyone in your family ever died right after saying ”Hey, y’all watch this!”
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George comes home from an exhausting day at work, turns on the television, and plops down on the couch. He yells to his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.”
She sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, he says, “Get me another beer before it starts.”
She looks cross, but gets another beer and slams it down next to him.
He downs that beer and two minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute.”
Now she’s furious and she yells, “Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore…”
George sighs and says, “It’s started…”
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Three guys go on a hunting trip"a Texan, a Californian and a Coloradan. That first night they were sitting around a nice campfire. The Texan reaches into his custom tooled leather saddlebag, pulls out a bottle of Jack Daniels, tears the seal and takes one healthy swallow. He throws the rest of the bottle in the air grabs his gun and BAM. Turns around and says, “Hell, boy, in Texas, we got more whiskey than we know what to do with.”
The Californian then reaches into his Nike designer backpack, pulls out a bottle of red wine, pulls the cork, and takes a swallow. He also throws the bottle into the air and shoots it. Then he says “In California we have more wine than we know what to do with.”
The crusty old Coloradan reaches into his styrofoam cooler, pulls out a Coors Silver Bullet, pops the tab and drinks the whole thing down in one pass. He then puts the can down, grabs his gun and shoots the other two guys. After one hearty belch, he says “In Colorado we got more Texans and Californians than we know what to do with.”
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Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message “He’s lying” was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought he wasn’t telling the truth.
Believing the “lie detector” was working, the suspect confessed.
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Q. What’s the difference between a Northern zoo and a Southern zoo?
A. Northern zoos have a little placard on the front of each cage that has a description of the animal inside. Southern zoos have a description, but it’s accompanied by a recipe.
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Kids’ advice on love
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go on a second date.”
" Mike, 9-years old
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them.”
" Lynette, 9-years-old
WHAT EFFECT DO GOOD LOOKS HAVE ON LOVE?
“If you want to be loved by somebody who isn’t already in your family, it doesn’t hurt to be beautiful.”
" Jeanne, 8-years-old
“It isn’t always just how you look. Look at me, I’m handsome like anything and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet.”
" Gary, 7-years-old
“Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time.”
" Christine, 9-years-old
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF LOVE?
“I’m in favor of love as long as it doesn’t happen when The Simpsons is on television. ”
" Annita, 6-years-old
“Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.”
" Bobby, 8-years-old
HOW DO YOU MAKE SOMEONE FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU?
“Don’t do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain’t the same thing as love.”
" Alonzo, 9-years-old
“One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat. French fries usually work for me.”
" Bart, 9-years-old
HOW DO YOU MAKE LOVE LAST?
“Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work.”
" Tom, 7-years-old
“Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash.”
" Randy, 8-years-old
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Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.
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