Irreverent Jokes – Issue #84

The Irreverent Joke Page

From Issue #84

In a big city at a crowded busy bus stop there was a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn’t. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Still, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile at the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her in line picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic, turned to the would-be good Samaritan, and yelled, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!”

The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.”

Submitted by: Peter Martin, Euless, Texas

Out of the Mouths of Babes

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a minister when I grow up.” “That’s okay with us, but what made you decide that?” “Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen.”

The Sunday School Teacher asks, “Now, Johnny, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?” “No, sir,” little Johnny replies, “I don’t have to. My Mom is a good cook.”

A man was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a lamp. He picked it up and rubbed the sand off of it. All of a sudden a genie popped out. “I will grant you one wish, anything you want I will grant you. Just name it.”

The man pondered for a while and then asked the genie if he could build him a bridge to Hawaii. He told the genie he really wanted to go to Hawaii but couldn’t stand planes or ships. He wanted to drive there.

The genie asked the man if he was crazy. “Don’t you know how impossible it would be to build a bridge all the way to Hawaii, why the cement pillars would be immense. No, you come up with another wish, this time make it a good one.”

The man thought for a minute, then said, “OK I would like to understand women.”

The genie thought for a little while, then asked the man how many lanes he wanted on his bridge.

Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: “Filthy” and “Filthy but Wearable.”

Q: How does a man show he’s planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Church Bulletin Bloopers:

Sometimes, writers of church bulletins get in a hurry and do not proofread for content, just spelling, and the bulletins turn out items like the following:

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of this church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they can be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.

Tonight’s sermon: “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

There was this guy who went golfing every Saturday and Sunday. It didn’t matter what kind of weather it was, he was hooked on a round of golf on his days off.

One Saturday he left the house early and headed for the golf course, but it was so bitter cold that he decided he wouldn’t golf that day and went back home.

His wife was still in bed when he got there, so he took off his clothes and snuggled up to his wife’s backside and said, “Terrible weather out there.”

She replied, “Yeah, and can you believe my stupid husband went golfing.”

A bum, who’d obviously seen more than his share of hard times, approached a well-dressed man on the street. “Hey, Buddy …..can you spare two dollars?”

The well-dressed man replied ….. “You’re not going to spend it on liquor are you?”

“No, sir, I don’t drink,” retorts the bum.

“You’re not going to throw it away on fishing gear, are you?” … the gentleman asked.

“No way! … I don’t fish either!” … answered the bum.

“You wouldn’t waste the money on a deer lease, would you?” asks the man.
“Never!” says the bum, “I don’t hunt!”

So the man asked the bum if he’d like to come home with him for a home cooked meal. The bum accepted eagerly. While they were heading for the man’s house, the bum’s curiosity got the better of him … “Isn’t your wife going to be upset when you bring a guy like me to your house for dinner?”

“Probably,” said the man, “but it’ll be well worth it for her to see what happens to a man that doesn’t drink, fish or hunt”.

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