Remembering
Sept. 11, 2001 |
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Irreverent Jokes
Issue #105
(Believing it is important for people to be able to laugh at themselves, this is a continuing feature in Backwoods Home Magazine. We invite readers to submit any jokes they’d like to share to BHM, P.O. Box 712, Gold Beach, OR 97444. Jokes may also be submitted online to editor@backwoodshome.com Subject=Irreverent_Jokes. There is no payment for jokes used.)
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When everybody on Earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, “I want the men to make two lines, one line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter.”
Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him.”
God turned to the one man, “How did you manage to be the only one in this line?”
The man replied, “I don’t know. My wife told me to stand here.”
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The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, “Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?”
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, “First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?”
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, “Uh... no, I didn’t know that.”
“Secondly,” says the lawyer, “my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children.”
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
“Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring a huge array of private tutors?”
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, “I’m so sorry, I had no idea.”
And the lawyer says, “So...if I didn’t give any money to them, what makes you think I’d give any to you?”
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Facts to ponder:
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services.
Now think about this: Guns:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million.)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.
Statistics courtesy of the FBI.
So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."
Fact: Not everyone has a gun, but almost everyone has at least one doctor.
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.
We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!
Out of concern for the public at large, we have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!
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Read More Irreverent Jokes
Comments regarding this page may be addressed to editor@backwoodshome.com. Comments may appear online in "Feedback" or in the "Letters" section of Backwoods Home Magazine. Although every email is read, busy schedules generally do not permit a personal response to each one.
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