Texan's Guide To Life Never squat with yer spurs on. There’s two theories to arguin’ with a woman; neither one works. Don’t worry about bitin’ off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger’n you think. If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around. Never smack a man who’s chewin’ tobacco. It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. Always drink upstream from the herd. If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there. Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n puttin’ it back in. Finally, never miss a good chance to shut up.

Classes for men at the local learning center for adults. Registration must be completed by November 15th. Note: due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, class size will be limited to 8 participants maximum. Class 1: How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays. Step-by-step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 p.m. Class 2: The Toilet Paper Roll. Does it Change Itself? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday at 12:00 for 2 hours. Class 3: Is It Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat and Avoiding the Floor/Walls and Nearby Bathtub? Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours. (Note: this class meets at Irish’s Brew Pub on 16th Street) Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor. Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meetings are Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks. Class 5: After Dinner Dishes. Can They Levitate and Fly Into the Kitchen Sink? Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM Class 6: Learning How to Find Things - Starting with looking in the right places instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours Class 7: Health Watch — Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and Audio Tapes Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 8: Real Men ask for Directions When Lost. Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined. Class 9: Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly while she parallel parks? Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday’s noon, 2 hours. Class 10: Learning to Live — Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing Class 11: How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion. Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing techniques. Proper techniques for holding her purse. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM at the outlet mall food court. Class 12: How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy — Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You’re Going to be Late. (Sending Christmas cards will be offered in an advanced course this Fall.) Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 13: The Stove/Oven — What it is and How it is Used. Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

COW POLITICS DEMOCRATIC You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you. REPUBLICANISM You have two cows Your neighbor has none. So? SOCIALIST You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow. COMMUNIST You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour. CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows. BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain. AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up. FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good. JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school. GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year. ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows but you don’t know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good. RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have. TALIBAN CORPORATION You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don’t milk them because you cannot touch any creature’s private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons. IRAQI CORPORATION You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing. POLISH CORPORATION You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them. BELGIAN CORPORATION You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he’s French, other times he’s Flemish. The Flemish cow won’t share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow’s milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy. FLORIDA CORPORATION You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can’t figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow. CALIFORNIA CORPORATION You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

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