Hillary Clinton is not feeling well. She goes to her doctor and gets a complete physical, only to find out that she is pregnant. She is furious and can’t believe this has happened.
She calls the White House and gets Bill on the phone, and immediately begins to berate him, screaming: “How could you have let this happen? With all of the trouble going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can’t believe this has happened! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! How could you? Well, what have you got to say?”
There is nothing but silence on the phone.
She screams again: “Can you hear me?”
She finally hears Bill’s very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper he says, “Who is this?”
|
|
Horseback riding
A blonde who has never ridden before and has never had lessons decides that she is going to go horseback riding. She mounts the horse unassisted and immediately the horse starts to gallop at a nice steady pace. The blonde, however, is bounding from side to side. She tries to grab the horses mane, but she can’t get a secure hold. Then she leans forward and throws her arms around thehorse’s neck. All to no avail. The horse gallops on oblivious to it’s rider’s plight. The blonde starts to slip from the saddle and is holding on to the side of the horse. Finally, she decides to throw herself free. Unfortunately, her foot gets caught in the stirrup and as the horse gallops on, her head is banging up and down on the ground. Just as she’s about to lose conciousness, her quarter runs out.
|
|
Look Familiar?
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, “Hmmm, this person looks familiar.”
The second blonde says, “Here, let me see!” So the first blonde hands her the compact. She looks in the mirror and says, “You idiot, it’s me!”
Submitted by Baron Scarpia
|
|
On a bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, and seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?”
The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”
Satan asked, “Aren’t you afraid of me?”
“Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man calmly replied. “Been married to your sister for over 48 years.”
|
|
Punctuation is everything
An English professor wrote the words, “a woman without her man is nothing” on the blackboard and gave the students an assignment to rewrite the sentence, using appropriate punctuation.
Male students rewrote the sentence to read, “A woman, without her man, is nothing.” Female students rewrote the sentence to read, “A woman: without her, man is nothing.”
|
|
The deaf mute
The crime boss and his attorney meet with his accountant. “Where is the 3.3 million you stole from me?” demands the gangster. The accountant is silent. The crime boss shouts, “Where’s my $3 million?”
The lawyer explains, “Sir, the man is mute and deaf. Allow me to translate.”
Using sign language, the attorney asks the accountant about the money, and the message is relayed back that the accountant knows nothing about it.
Furious, the crime boss puts a gun to the mute accountant’s head, screaming at the lawyer, “Ask him again where my money is or I’ll blow his brains out.”
“Okay! Okay!” the accountant signs back. “The money is hidden behind the old toolshed in my backyard.”
“What did he say?” demands the enraged crime boss.
The attorney replied, “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”
Submitted by John Illengwarth
|
|
Children’s books that didn’t quite make it
|
• You Are Different and That’s Bad
• The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
• Dad’s New Wife Robert
• Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
• The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking
• Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
• The Little Sissy Who Snitched
• Some Kittens Can Fly
• The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
• Strangers Have the Best Candy
• Whining, Kicking, and Crying to Get Your Way
• You Were an Accident
• Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
• Pop! Goes The Gerbil And Other Great Microwave Games
• The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
• Your Nightmares Are Real
• Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
• Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
• Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
• Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
|
|
|
God came down and first he went to the Germans and He said, “I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.”
And the Germans asked, what are Commandments?”
And the Lord said, “Rules for living.”
“Can you give us an example?”
“Thou shalt not kill.”
“Not kill? We’re not interested.”
So He went to the Italians and said, “I have Commandments.”
And the Italians wanted an example, and the Lord said, “Thou shalt not steal.”
“Not steal? We’re not interested.”
He went to the French and said, “I have Commandments.”
The French wanted an example and the Lord said, “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife.”
“Not covet my neighbor’s wife? We’re not interested.”
He went to the Jews and said, “I have Commandments.”
“Commandments?” “How much are they?”
“They’re free.”
“We’ll take 10.”
|
|
Two rednecks decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought that they should go to college to get ahead. The first one went to see a professor who told him to take math, history, and logic.
“What’s logic?” asked the first redneck.
The professor answered, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?”
“I sure do.” answered the redneck.
“Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor.
“That’s real good,” the redneck responded in awe.
The professor continued: “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you have a house.”
Impressed, the redneck shouted, “Amazin’!”
“And since you have a house, that dictates that you have a wife.”
“Betty Mae! This is incredible!” (The redneck is obviously catching on.)
“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume you are a heterosexual,” said the professor.
“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard of. I cain’t wait to take this here logic class.”
The first redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend is still waiting. “So what classes are ya takin’?,” the friend asked.
“Math, history, and logic,” replies the first redneck.
“What in tarnation is logic?” asked the friend. “Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?”
“No,” his friend replied.
“You’re queer, ain’t ya?”
|
|
Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Ireland. One is holding a cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.
A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the Star of David and says: “Young man. Don’t you realize that this is a Catholic country? You’ll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David.”
The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says: “Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business?”
|
|
A young punker gets on the crosstown bus. He’s got spiked, multicolored hair that’s green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he’s without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.
He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just sits and glares at him for the next 10 miles.
Finally, the punker gets self-conscious and barks at the old man: “What are you looking at, you old fart? Didn’t you ever do anything wild when you were young?”
Without missing a beat, the old man replies, “Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son.”
|
|
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears. He says, “So what’s bothering you, dear?”
She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”
The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?”
She says, “That he did, Father…”
The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?”
“He said, ‘Please, Mary, put down that damn gun…”
|
|
|
