Little Tim was in his back yard filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Tim?”

Tim replied, “My goldfish died and I’ve just buried him.”

The concerned neighbor said, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. “In English,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”

A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions made a call on him to persuade him to contribute.

“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, “Um…no.”

“Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind, and confined to a wheelchair?”

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted.

“Or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?”

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, was getting up to leave and said simply, “I had no idea…”

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again. “So, if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”

A man goes to see the Rabbi.

“Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”

The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”

The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.”

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”

The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?”

The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, “Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?”

The man anxiously says, “Yes.”

“Take the poison,” says the Rabbi.

A first grade teacher explained to her class that she is a liberal Democrat. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are liberal Democrats too. Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

“Because I’m not a liberal Democrat.”

“Then,” asks the teacher, “what are you?”

“Why, I’m a proud conservative Republican,” boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a conservative Republican.

“Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican, too.”

The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”

A pause, and a shy smile. “Then,” said Lucy, “I’d be a liberal democrat.”

The businessman, hoping to cultivate a work ethic in his less than ambitious son called him into his office and announced he had decided to make him a full time partner in the company.

“Which part of the company would you like to be in charge of, son?” he asked.

“Well,” the son answered, “I don’t like working in the shipping department, and I don’t like being in sales, and I’d rather not be in the bookkeeping department…”

“Listen,” the father said, “as a full partner, what would you like most?”

“Hmmm,” the son pondered, “I guess, most of all, I’d like you to buy me out.”

A guy just died and he’s at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafing through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy. St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his brow and says to the guy, “You know, I can’t see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one really good deed, you’re in.”

The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of thugs assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of ’em harassing this terrified young woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the thugs formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Laid him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!’ ”

St. Peter, impressed, says, “Really? When did this happen?”

“Oh, about two minutes ago.”