The boss went up to the bartender and asked, “Have you been fooling around with the new waitress?”
“No, sir, I haven’t,” replied the bartender.
The boss replied, “Good, then you fire her!”
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Two opposing county chairmen were sharing a rare moment together. The Democratic chairman said, “I never pass up a chance to promote the party. For example, whenever I take a cab, I give the driver a sizable tip and say, ‘Vote Democratic.'”
His opponent said, “I have a better scheme, and it
doesn’t cost me a nickel. I don’t give any tip at all. And when I leave, I also say, ‘Vote Democratic.’
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The artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
“I’ve got good news and bad news,” the owner replied.
“What’s the good news?”
“The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 35 of your paintings.”
“That’s wonderful!” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”
“The guy was your doctor.”
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A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge, “This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?”
The judge said that was true.
“Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?” the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, “Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson.”
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There’s an Englishman, an Irishman and a beautiful girl sitting next to each other, girl in the middle, in a train. The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!
The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and the Irishman are sitting there looking perplexed. The Englishman is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.
The Englishman is thinking “Damn it, that Irishman must have tried to kiss the girl, she thought it was me and slapped me.”
The girl is thinking, “That Englishman must have moved to kiss me, and kissed the Irishman instead and got slapped.”
The Irishman is thinking, “If this train goes through another tunnel, I can make another kissing sound and slap that Englishman again.”
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A woman’s car was stalled in the middle of a busy street, and the man behind her honked continuously as she tried to restart it. Finally, she got out and walked to the man’s car.
“I can’t seem to get my car started,” she said, smiling. “If you’ll go and start it for me, I’ll stay here and lean on your horn for you.”
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Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from one subject to another and finally to cooking.
“I got a cookbook once,” said the first, “but I could never do anything with it.”
“Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?” asked the second.
“You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way"’Take a clean dish and…'”
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After a particularly difficult day in basic training, the drill sergeant got in the face of the new recruit and screamed, “I’ll bet when you’re discharged from the Army, you’ll wait for me to die just so you can spit on my grave.”
“Not me,” the recruit said. “When I get out of the Army, I never want to stand in line again.”
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After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.”
The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.”
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Two casino dealers are waiting idly at the craps table when a beautiful blonde comes in and asks if she could bet $10,000 on a single roll of the dice.
“And,” she adds, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m naked.”
With that she takes off everything but her necklace, rolls the dice, then starts yelling, “Mama needs new clothes.”
When the dice stop she screams, “Yes, yes, yes! I won, I won, I won!” and she jumps up and down and, while still nude, she hugs and kisses both of the dealers passionately. Then she picks up the money, gathers all of her clothes and leaves.
The dealers can only stare at her very nude and well rounded shapely behind as it vanishes into the casino crowd, then one of the dealers ask, “What did she roll, anyway?”
The other answers, “I don’t know. I thought you were watching.”
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“What are you watching, Dad?”
“Basketball game.”
“What’s the score?”
“117 to 114.”
“Who’s winning?”
“The team with 117.”
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An Irish girl left Dublin to find a job as a secretary in Los Angeles and began sending home money and gifts to her parents. After a few years, they asked her to come home for a visit as her father was getting frail and elderly.
She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing furs and diamonds. As she walked into the house her father said, “Hmmm, they seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in the States.”
The girl took his hands and said, “Dad, I’ve been meaning to tell you something for years but I didn’t want to put it in a letter. I can’t hide it from you any longer. I’ve become a prostitute.”
Her father gasped, put his hand on his heart and keeled over.
The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the priest was called.
As the priest began to administer Extreme Unction, with the mother and daughter weeping and wailing, the old man muttered weakly, “I’m a goner, killed by my own daughter! Killed by the shame of what you’ve become!”
“Please forgive me,” his daughter sobbed, “I only wanted to have nice things. I wanted to be able to send you money and the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute.”
With that the old man brushed the priest aside and sat bolt upright in bed, smiling. “Did you say prostitute? That was a close one. I thought you said Protestant.”
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A nice young worker from the post office was sorting through her regular envelopes when she discovered a letter addressed as follows: GOD c/o Heaven.
Upon opening the envelope, the letter enclosed told about a little old lady who had never asked for anything in her life. She was desperately in need of $100 and was wondering if God could send her the money.
The young lady was deeply touched, and she passed the hat among her workmates. She managed to collect $90, and she sent it off to the old lady.
A few weeks later another letter arrived addressed in the same way to God, so the young lady opened it. The letter read, “Thank you for the money, God, I deeply appreciate it. However, I received only $90. It must have been those bastards at the post office.”
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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die:
“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he’s in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don’t discuss your problems with him it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on TV. And, most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.
“If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”
“You’re gonna die,” she replied.
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Q.:What is the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A.: A leech will drop off a dead body.
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A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.
“This is the Klopman diamond,” she said. “It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it.”
“What’s the curse?” the man asked.
“Mr. Klopman.”
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