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An elderly man in Chicago calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; 45 years of misery is more than I can stand.”
“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Los Angeles and you tell her.”
Frantic, the son calls his sister. She explodes on the phone. “Baloney. We’re not letting them get divorced,” she screams, “we’re going to take care of this.”
She calls Chicago immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, turns to his wife, and says. “Okay, they’re coming for Thanksgiving and they’re paying their own fares…now what do we do for Christmas?”
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Jones goes to see his supervisor in the front office.
“Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”
“We’re short-handed, Jones,” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”
“Thanks boss,” says Jones, “I knew I could count on you.”
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A priest is walking down the street one day when he sees a small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. But the doorbell is just out of his reach.
He watches the boy’s efforts for some time, until finally he crosses the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a ring.
Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, “And now what, my little man?”
To which the boy turns and yells, “NOW WE RUN!”
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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender for some drinks:
Brunette: “I’ll have a B and C.”
Bartender: “What is a B and C?”
Brunette: “Bourbon and Coke.”
Redhead: “And, I’ll have a G and T.”
Bartender: “What’s a G and T?”
Redhead: “Gin and tonic.”
Blonde: “I’ll have a 15.”
Bartender: “What’s a 15?
Blonde: “7 and 7”
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Three hermits move into a cave together and for the first seven years they don’t speak to each other. Then one morning a horse runs by the mouth of the cave.
Seven years later the first hermit says, “That was a pretty white horse that ran by.”
Seven more years go by and the second hermit says, “That horse wasn’t white, he was black.”
Yet another seven years go by and the third hermit starts packing his bags. The other two look at him and he says, “If all you two are going to do is argue, then I’m leaving.”
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Yo’ mama’s so ugly, she tried to take a beauty nap and slipped into a coma.
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Dear Abby:
My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issue. He is a hard worker but many of his co-workers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught, he denies it all. Then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him. This has been going on for so long, everyone knows he is a cheat. I don’t know what to do.
Signed,
Frustrated
Dear Frustrated:
You should dump him. Now that you are finally a New York Senator, you don’t need him anymore.
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Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”
The 94 year old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses. “Was I going up the stairs or down?”
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.” She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”
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Jack and his buddy, Bob, went skiing. They loaded up Jack’s SUV and headed north. After a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard and pulled into the driveway of a farm owned by a very rich widow. They went to the door and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
“Oh, it’s such terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself. But I’m recently widowed,” she said, “and I’m afraid of what the neighbors will say if I let two attractive young men stay in my house.”
“Don’t worry,” Jack said. “We’ll be happy if you just let us sleep in your barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they left and had a great skiing weekend.
But nine months later Jack got a letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of the attractive widow in whose barn he and Bob had stayed.
So he drove to see his friend Bob and asked, “Bob, remember nine months ago that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Did you get up in the middle of the night and go up to the house and pay her a visit?”
“Yes,” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I have to admit that I did.”
“And did you stay the night with her?”
“Yes.”
“And did you happen to use my name instead of your own?”
Bob’s face turned red and he said, “Yeah, sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”
“She just died and left me everything.”
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A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn’t been feeling well and wants to find out if he’s ill. After the checkup, the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.
“I’m afraid I have some bad news. You’re dying and you don’t have much time,” the doctor says.
“Oh no, that’s terrible! How long have I got?” the man asks.
“10…” says the doctor.
“10? 10 what? 10 months? 10 weeks? 10 what?!” he asks desperately.
“… 9… 8… 7…”
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When I was younger, I hated going to weddings … it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next. You’re next.”
They stopped that stuff after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
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“Honey, it’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” Jack said to his wife as he stepped out of the shower. “What do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?”
“They’d probably think I married you for your money,” she replied.
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A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a firefighter’s helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The firefighter says, “Hey little partner, what are you doing?”
The little boy says, “I’m pretending to be a fireman and this is my firetruck.”
The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. “That sure is a nice fire truck,” the firefighter says with admiration.
“Thanks mister,” the boy says. The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.
“Little partner,” the firefighter says, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.”
The little boy says, “You’re probably right, mister, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”
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