Backwoods Home Magazine


Remembering
Sept. 11, 2001

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Irreverent Jokes

Issue #117

      (Believing it is important for people to be able to laugh at themselves, this is a continuing feature in Backwoods Home Magazine. We invite readers to submit any jokes they’d like to share to BHM, P.O. Box 712, Gold Beach, OR 97444. Jokes may also be submitted online to editor@backwoodshome.com Subject=Irreverent_Jokes. There is no payment for jokes used.)


  

Instructions on how to clean a cat:

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/4 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse."

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

MOSES AND THE RED SEA

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these four religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God’s chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.

A Sunday School teacher said to her children, “We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times, but there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?”

One child blurted out, “Aces!”

Best Quote on the Financial Crisis:

“THIS IS WORSE THAN A DIVORCE! I LOST HALF MY MONEY AND STILL HAVE MY WIFE.”

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”




Read More Irreverent Jokes


Comments regarding this page may be addressed to editor@backwoodshome.com. Comments may appear online in "Feedback" or in the "Letters" section of Backwoods Home Magazine. Although every email is read, busy schedules generally do not permit a personal response to each one.









 
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