Someday, a long time from now, President Clinton finishes his time on earth and approaches the Pearly Gates of heaven. "And who might you be?" inquires St. Peter. "It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and Leader of the Free World." "Oh, Mr. President! What may I do for you?" asked St. Peter. "I'd like to come in," replies Clinton. "Sure," says the Saint. "But first you have to confess your sins. What bad things have you done in your life?" Clinton bites his lip and answers, "Well, I tried marijuana, but you can't call it dope-smoking because I didn't inhale. There were inappropriate extramarital relations but you can't call it adultery because we didn't have full 'sexual relations.' And I made some statements that were misleading but legally accurate. You can't call it bearing false witness because, as far as I know it didn't meet the legal standard of perjury." With that St. Peter consults the "Book of Life" briefly, and declares, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you somewhere hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there indefinitely, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And when you enter you don't have to 'abandon all hope,' just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

Submitted by Baron Scarpia

If men truly ran the world...

Regis and Kathy Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps". Tanks would be far easier to rent. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!." When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you". The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

Too much salt An Arab diplomat visiting the U.S. for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand Emir. "A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "infidel sit on well."

Submitted by Bill Duffy

Something to offend damn near everybody...

Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? They're hiring. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? Because they're not going to work in the future, either. Did you hear about the dyslexic rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo." What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with the recipe. What's the Cuban national anthem? "Row, row, row your boat."

Finally! A blond GUY joke An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too." Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The blonde opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also. At the funeral The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again! The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said. "He made his own lunch."

Submitted by Jeff Rutter

ANAGRAMS
An anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase.
dormitory	dirty room
evangelist	evil's agent
desperation	a rope ends it
The Morse code	here come dots
slot machines	cash lost in 'em
animosity	is no amity
mother-in-law	woman Hitler
snooze alarms	Alas! no more z's
Alec Guinness	genuine class
semolina	is no meal
The public art galleries	large picture halls, I bet
a decimal point	I'm a dot in place
the earthquakes	that queer shake
eleven plus two	twelve plus one
contradiction	accord not in it
And for the grand finale:
Clinton, President of the USA	to copulate, he finds interns
Submitted by Baron Scarpia

A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the service the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

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