A man walked into his back yard one morning and found a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun. “Now listen carefully,” he told the homeowner. “I’m going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap on the handcuffs.” “Got it,” the homeowner replied. “But what’s the shotgun for?” “If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla,” the man said, “shoot the Chihuahua.”

A young woman shopping at the grocery store goes to the express lane with the following items: 1 pint of milk 1 short loaf of bread 1 small jar of peanut butter 1 grapefruit 1 pack of single-serving canned tuna 1 box of instant soup mix 1 small jar of spaghetti sauce 1 frozen dinner The young man at the register scans each of the items and says to the young lady, “Well, I guess you’re single, aren’t you?” With a blush and a smile, she rolls her eyes wistfully and says, “Gee, how could you tell?” “Because you’re ugly.”

STRESS DIET

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help people cope with the stress that builds up during the day. Breakfast: 1 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat toast 1 cup skim milk Lunch: Small portion lean, steamed chicken 1 cup of spinach 1 cup herbal tea 1 Hershey’s Kiss Afternoon tea: The rest of the Kisses in the bag 1 tub of Hagen Daas Ice Cream with chocolate chip topping Dinner: 4 bottles of wine (red or white) 2 loaves of garlic bread 1 family-size Supreme pizza 3 Snickers bars Late night snack: Whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer) Diet rules: 1. If no one sees you eat something, it has no calories. 2. When drinking a Diet Coke with a chocolate bar, the Diet Coke cancels out the sugar in the chocolate bar. 3. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you do not eat more than they do. 4. Food used for medicinal purposes does not count (for example, hot chocolate, toast, cheesecake, and vodka.) 5. If you fatten up the people around you, you are automatically thinner by comparison. 6. Movie theater foods have a zero calorie count as they are part of the entertainment package and not counted as food intake. This includes popcorn, Snow Caps, and ice cream. 7. Cookie pieces have no calories because breaking the cookies up causes calorie leakage. 8. Foods licked from spoons and forks have no fat if you are in the process of cooking something. 9. Anything eaten while standing has no calories due to gravity and the density of the calorie mass. 10. Food consumed from someone else’s plate has no fat as it rightfully belongs to the other person and will cling to his or her plate. And remember: STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS. contributed by Muriel Sutherland

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