A man in a bar saw a friend at a table drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he commented, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?” “My mother died in June,” he said, “and left me $10,000.” “Gee, that’s tough,” he replied. “Then in July,” the friend continued, “my father died, leaving me $50,000.” “Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.” “And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.” “Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.” “Then this month,” continued the friend, “nothing!”

“If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?” I asked the children in my Sunday School class. “No!” the children all answered. “If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?” Again, the answer was, “No!” “Well,” I continued, “then how can I get to heaven?” A five-year-old boy shouted out, “You gotta be dead!”

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn most of the forest, killing almost everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay, okay, I’m a rabbit, I’m a rabbit.”

I gave up drinking, smoking, and chasing wild women... ...and it was the worst five minutes of my life.

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. “I’ve kidnapped you!,” said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde.” The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show his parents. The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow blonde?”

There once were two Irishmen named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend. As fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Pat, hearing of his friend’s illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time. “Shawn,” said Pat, “can you hear me?” Faintly, Shawn replied, “Yes, Paddy, I can.” Bashfully, Pat started, “Do you remember our pact, Shawn?” “Yes, I do Paddy,” Shawn strained. “And, you’ll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for going on 30 years now?” said Pat. “Yes Paddy, I do,” whispered Shawn. “It’s a very old bottle now, you know,” urged Pat. “And what are you gettin’ at Pat?” asked Shawn, briskly. “Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?”

The blonde was told that on their 21st birthdays, each of her older brothers was able to walk on water. So, to maintain the family tradition, on her own 21st birthday she went down to the lake, walked out onto the pier, and stepped off onto the water. She went right to the bottom and rescuers had to pull her out. Later, during her recovery at the hospital, she explained to her parents why she’d done it. “Oh, Dear,” her mother said, “you don’t understand. The reason you can’t walk on water on your birthday is that you were born in August. You brothers were all born in February.

Ten things you'll never hear a woman say 10. What do you mean today's our anniversary? 9. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV. 8. Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big. 7. And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska! 6. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being “just friends.” 5. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small? 4. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there. 3. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here. 2. I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress. 1. Hey, pull my finger!

The five-year-old wanted to caddy for his dad. You’ve got to be able to count my strokes,” the father said to the boy. “How much is six plus nine plus seven?” “Five,” the boy said. “Okay,” the father said. “Let’s go.”

Since we flew the flag at half staff for 30 days for President Reagan, will we have to wear our pants around our knees for 30 days when Clinton dies?

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