Irreverent Jokes
From Issue #157
My family says I talk in my sleep, but no one at work has ever mentioned it.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is really heavy. The other is a little lighter.
I was coming back from visiting my son and I stopped at a rest stop to use the bathroom. I just sat down on the toilet when I heard a voice coming from the stall next to mine, "Hey! How’s it going?"
Although I wasn’t in the habit of conversing to people next to me in the stall, I nevertheless answered him, "I’m fine, thanks for asking."
"What are you doing?" asked the same voice.
To be honest, I was a bit taken aback by the brazenness of this fellow, but I would never ignore anyone so I calmly answered, "I’m relieving myself."
Then I heard the same voice again, "I’m going to have to call you back; some smart-aleck is answering all of my questions."
"All animals are created equal; some just take longer to cook."
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
A young woman was walking back home late at night, and she passed a spooky cemetery. She was scared, but tried to be cool.
Then she heard the sound of howling dogs, and it frightened her. She saw the silhouette of a man in a suit, and hurried forward to him. She looked at him and found a good looking man in his 30s.
She looked at him and smiled and said, "Sorry to bother you, but the dogs and the graves creep me out."
He replied, "Don’t worry, girl. I was like you before I died."
Lisa and Judy were doing some carpentry work on a Habitat for Humanity house.
Lisa was nailing down house siding. She would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
Lisa explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away."
Judy got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house!"