|We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart.
|Learn from your parents’ mistakes — use birth control
|Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot
|Lorena Bobbitt for White House intern
|Keep honking — I’m reloading
One hundred women were interviewed and asked the question, “Would they sleep with the President if the opportunity arose?”
Seventy four percent said: “No! Never again!”
There was a very rich Irishman who had a little dog. It meant the world to him. When the dog died, he went to the priest. “Father Murphy, my little dog is dead. I’d sure enough appreciate it if ye’d say a public mass fer ‘im.”
“Sorry, Patrick,” said the priest, “We don’t say mass fer dogs ‘n’ the like. But you go on down there to the Protestant church. With their progressive thinking, who knows what they’ll do.”
“Well, Father, I wouldn’t want to offend them. Do ya think a donation of a 100,000 pounds would be fitting fer such a service?” Patrick asked.
“Now, Patrick, why didn’t ye tell me that there little dog was a Catholic in the first place!!!”
Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sit in his lap"he was in the electric chair.
I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them; they said it wasn’t enough.
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a
picture of me.
The Best Things About Being Male
- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
- You can rationalize any behavior.
- A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
- Your public bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter.
- Princess Di’s death was just another obituary.
- You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours
- You can kill your own food.
- You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
- You never have to clean a toilet.
- You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- You never have to worry about other people’s feelings.
- You can write your name in the snow.
- Flowers fix everything.
- Someday you’ll be a dirty old man.
- If something mechanical doesn’t work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it against the wall.
— Submitted by Robert Bateman
After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that that was enough. They could not afford a larger double-wide. So, the husband went to his doctor, who also treated mules, and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn’t want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (small fireworks), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The redneck said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest man, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.”
So, the couple drove to get a second opinion.
The second doctor was just about to tell them about the medical procedure for a vasectomy when he realized how truly backwards these people were. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear, and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn’t be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb, and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. “1, 2, 3, 4, 5 … .”, at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
The following are actual statements made
during court cases.
From a defendant representing himself…
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
Lawyer: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,did you check for a pulse?”
Lawyer: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
Lawyer: “Did you check for breathing?”
Lawyer: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
Lawyer: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
Witness: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”
Lawyer: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
Witness: “It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That’s not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth, too.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were shot in the head.
Lincoln’s secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy’s secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names comprise 15 letters.
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were both assassinated before their trials.
And here’s the kicker:
A week before Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe.