Irreverent Jokes – Issue #54

The Irreverent Joke Page

From Issue #54

Noah Webster’s wife, returning from a long trip, discovered the lexicographer ‘flagrante delicto’ with a pretty chambermaid. “Mr. Webster!” she gasped. “I’m surprised!”
“No my dear” said Webster with a reproving smile, “You’re shocked…I am surprised.”

How smart are you really?
Take the Idiot Test and find out

Answers & Scoring at bottom of this page

1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?

2. How many birthdays does the average man have?

3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?

4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar’s sister, but the beggar is not the woman’s brother. How come?

5. Why can’t a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?

6. How many outs are there in an inning?

7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow’s sister? Why?

8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of games. There are no ties. Explain this.

9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?

10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have southern exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the bear? Why?

11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?

12. I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?

13. If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which one would you light first?

14. How far can a dog run into the woods?

15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How long would the pills last?

16. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?

17. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?

18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5’10” tall. What does he weigh?

19. How many two-cent stamps are there in a dozen?

20. What was the President’s name in 1950?

A guy walks into a flower store and says, “I’d like three dozen of those beautiful anemones you’ve been advertising.”
The shopkeeper replied, “I’m sorry sir, but we only have one dozen left. May I recommend some of these luscious ferns we just got in. I think they’d make a beautiful arrangement all by themselves.”
“You’re right,” the customer said, “With frondes like these, who needs anemones?”

Aphorisms for our time

  • 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
  • The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.
  • To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
  • You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
  • Money can’t buy love, But it CAN rent a very close imitation
  • Borrow money from pessimists—they don’t expect it back.

One fine day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, “SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!”

— Submitted by Julie Duffy

A man stuck his head into a supermarket and called out, “Does someone in here own the Great Dane that’s chained to a parking meter?”
A man in the checkout line yelled, “That’s my dog, why?”
“Well, my dog just killed your dog.”
“Killed my Great Dane?” the shocked man asked. “What kind of dog do you own?”
“A Chihuahua.”
“How did a Chihuahua kill my Great Dane?”
“He choked on it.”

Lightbulb Jokes

How many (________) does it take to
screw in a light bulb?

Auto mechanics —
Two. One to screw in the wrong-sized bulb and one to replace the burned-out socket.

Nuclear engineers —
Seven. One to install the new bulb; and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next ten thousand years.

Californians —
Four. One to screw in the bulb and three to share the experience.

Oregonians —
Six. One to screw in the bulb, and five more to chase off the Californians who have come up to share the experience.

New Yorkers —
None of your damn business.

Christian Scientists —
One. To sit and pray for the old one to go back on.

Jews —
Three. One to call the cleaning woman and two to feel guilty about calling the cleaning woman.

Jewish mothers —
None. No, it’s okay, I’ll sit in the dark.

Zen Masters —
Two. One to screw in the bulb and one not to screw in the bulb.

Teamsters —
Fifteen. You got a problem with that?

Country singers —
Four. One to screw it in and three to write about the old one.

Women with PMS —
24 … Why 24? … It just does, dammit!!

Feminists —
That’s not funny!

— Submitted by Robert Bateman

Rodney Dangerfield quotes

  • I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
  • I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said “On your mark …..”
  • My wife made me join her bridge club … I jump next Tuesday.
  • I met the surgeon general … He offered me a cigarette.
  • When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
  • This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
  • I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude; I didn’t see the mouse trap.

Answers to How smart are you really?

1.   Yes
2.   One
3.   All of them (12)
4.   The beggar is her sister.
5.   He can’t be buried if he isn’t dead.
6.   6
7.   No – because he is dead.
8.   They aren’t playing each other.
9.   70
10.   White. The house is at the North Pole so it is a polar bear.
11.   2
12.   50-cent piece and a nickel. (The other one is a nickel)
13.   The match.
14.   Half way. Then he is running out of the woods.
15.   1 Hour
16.   9
17.   None- Noah took them on the ark.
18.   Meat
19.   12
20.   Same as it is now.

Scoring guide:
20 correct – Genius
17 correct – Above Normal
15 correct – Normal
8 correct – Nincompoop
6 correct – Moron
3 correct – Idiot

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