Irreverent Jokes – Issue #57

The Irreverent Joke Page

From Issue #57

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear confrontations, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and be alert for bears while in the field. …We advise that outdoorsmen wear small bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them, and to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter….

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain lots of berries and fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in it and smell like pepper.

— Submitted by Catherine Smith

Quotes of the famous
Suppose you were an idiot…And suppose you were a member of Congress…But I repeat myself — Mark Twain

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. — Lily Tomlin

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. — Oscar Wilde

A young man was walking along the side of a road when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by another long black hearse about 50 feet back. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind the man walking the pit bull were 200 men walking single file. The young man couldn’t stand the curiousity. He approached the man walking the dog and said, respectfully, …Sir, I know it is a bad time to disturb you but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?…

The man replied, …Well, that first hearse is for my wife….

The young man asked, …What happened to her?…

The man replied, …My dog bit her and she died….

The young man inquired further, …Well, who’s in the second hearse?…

The man answered, …My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned and bit her and she died….

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men and then the young man asked, …Sir, could I borrow that dog?…

The man replied, …Get in line….

— Submitted by John Allen

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month"a short in the homeowner’s newly installed fire prevention alarm system.

…This is even worse than last year,… said the distraught homeowner, …when someone broke in and stole my new security system……

Bumper Stickers
Ax me about Ebonics
Honk if you’ve never seen an Uzi fired from a car window
Did you know they took the word gullible out of the dictionary?
Don’t be sexist – broads hate that
If you lived in your car, you’d be home by now.
Guns don’t kill people, postal workers do
You’re a feminist? Isn’t that cute!

A man spoke frantically into the phone: “My wife is pregnant and contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” the doctor asked.”No, you idiot!” the man shouted. “This is her husband!”

Reasons why it is great to be a woman

1. Free movies.

2. Free lunches.

3. Free dinners.

4. Free drinks.

5. You can cry without pretending there’s something in your contact.

6. You actually get extra points for sitting on your butt and watching sports.

7. You don’t have to fart to amuse yourself.

8. You and your friends don’t have to get totally wasted in order to share your feelings.

9. You can sue for sexual harassment.

10. You never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.

11. You’ll probably never see someone you know while peeing in an alley.

12. You can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

13. You’ll never have to blow 2 months salary on anything.

14. You can dress yourself.

15. When you take off your shoes, nobody passes out.

Flying Blind

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commerical airline are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get underway. The pilot and the copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers left and right as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes, the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking at the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the plane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer to the end of the runway the voices are getting more and more hysterical. Finally, when the plane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot, “You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream and we are going to get killed!”

— Submitted By John Allen

Family game: Tic Tac Toe, or as they call it in Ireland, circles and signatures.

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!”

“Hell,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!


An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So they decided to go see their physician to get some help. Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and they left the doctor’s office very pleased with the advice.

When they got home, the wife said, “Dear, will you please go into the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don’t you write that down so you don’t forget?”

“Nonsense,” said the husband, ” I can remember a dish of ice cream!”

“Well,” said the wife, “I’d also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you will forget.”

“Don’t be silly,” replied the husband. “A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!”

“OK, dear, but I’d like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you’d really better write this down. You’ll forget,” said the wife.

“Come now, my memory’s not all that bad,” said the husband. “No problem—a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream.”

With that the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream.

He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later. Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, “Hey, where’s my toast?”

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