A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this
absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband
a big kiss, tells him she’ll see him later, and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, ‘Who was that??!!”
“Oh,” replies the husband, ‘that was my mistress.”
The wife says, “That’s it; I want a divorce.”
“I understand,” replies her husband, “But, remember, if you get a divorce,
there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the
Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the
decision is yours.”
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend of theirs entering the restaurant
with a gorgeous woman.
‘Who’s that woman with Jim?” she asks.
“That’s his mistress,” replies her husband.
“Ours is prettier,” says the wife.
|
| Submitted by James Mayfield |
Someday, a long time from now, President Clinton finishes his time on earth
and approaches the Pearly Gates of heaven.
“And who might you be?” inquires St. Peter.
“It’s me, Bill Clinton, formerly
the President of the United States and Leader of the Free World.”
“Oh, Mr. President! What may I do for you?” asked St. Peter.
“I’d like to come in,” replies Clinton.
“Sure,” says the Saint. “But first you have to confess your sins. What bad
things have you done in your life?”
Clinton bites his lip and answers, “Well, I tried
marijuana, but you can’t call it dope-smoking because I didn’t inhale. There
were inappropriate extramarital relations but you can’t call it adultery
because we didn’t have full ‘sexual relations.’ And I made some statements
that were misleading but legally accurate. You can’t call it bearing false
witness because, as far as I know it didn’t meet the legal standard of
perjury.”
With that St. Peter consults the “Book of Life” briefly, and declares, “OK,
here’s the deal. We’ll send you somewhere hot, but we won’t call it ‘Hell.’
You’ll be there indefinitely, but we won’t call it ‘eternity.’ And when you
enter you don’t have to ‘abandon all hope,’ just don’t hold your breath
waiting for it to freeze over.”
|
| Submitted by Baron Scarpia |
| If men truly ran the world… |
Regis and Kathy Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the
Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world
history.
Instead of “beer-belly”, you’d get “beer-biceps”.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your
wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said “You’re #1!.”
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d
appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response
to “I love you”.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of
your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your
car like Fred Flintstone.
|
Too much salt
An Arab diplomat visiting the U.S. for the first time was being wined and
dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in
American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was
constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water,
but then came the time when he returned empty-handed.
“Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?” demanded the Grand
Emir.
“A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One,” stammered the wretched Abdul,
“infidel sit on well.”
|
| Submitted by Bill Duffy |
| Something to offend damn near everybody… |
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They’re hiring.
Why aren’t there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they’re not going to work in the future, either.
Did you hear about the dyslexic rabbi?
He walks around saying “Yo.”
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage,
along with the recipe.
What’s the Cuban national anthem?
“Row, row, row your boat.”
|
|
Finally! A blond GUY joke
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the
Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage
one more time for lunch I’m going to jump off this building.”
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again! If I get
burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.”
The blonde opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again. If I get a bologna
sandwich one more time I’m jumping too.”
Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and
jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps
too. The blonde opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death
also.
At the funeral The Irishman’s wife is weeping. She says, “If I’d known how
really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it
to him again!
The Mexican’s wife also weeps and says, “I could have given
him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.”
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s wife. “Hey, don’t look at me”
she said. “He made his own lunch.”
|
| Submitted by Jeff Rutter |
| ANAGRAMS |
An anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by
transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase.
|
| dormitory |
dirty room |
| evangelist |
evil’s agent |
| desperation |
a rope ends it |
| The Morse code |
here come dots |
| slot machines |
cash lost in ’em |
| animosity |
is no amity |
| mother-in-law |
woman Hitler |
| snooze alarms |
Alas! no more z’s |
| Alec Guinness |
genuine class |
| semolina |
is no meal |
| The public art galleries |
large picture halls, I bet |
| a decimal point |
I’m a dot in place |
| the earthquakes |
that queer shake |
| eleven plus two |
twelve plus one |
| contradiction |
accord not in it |
| And for the grand finale: |
| Clinton, President of the USA |
to copulate, he finds interns
|
| Submitted by Baron Scarpia |
A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed
away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out
when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a
faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the
same church and at the end of the service the pallbearers are again carrying
out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch out for
the wall!”
|
|
