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A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that it’s not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church?
“No.”
St. Peter told him that’s bad.
Was he generous? Give money to the poor? Charities?
“No.”
St. Peter told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything?
“No.”
St. Peter was becoming concerned. “Look,” he says, “everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I’m trying to help. Now think.”
The man says, “There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell’s Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.
“I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face.”
“Wow,” said Peter, “That’s impressive. When did this happen?”
“Oh, about 10 minutes ago,” replied the man.
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A member of the United States Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, “Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!”
All the other Senators demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session.
After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced. “Okay,” he said, “I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is not made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!”
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The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked whether or not she’d have children if she had to do it over again.
“Sure,” she replied, “but not the same ones.”
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Q: How do you stop a Taliban tank?
A: Shoot the guy pushing it.
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When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn’t let him in until he proved his identity.
Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise.
And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, “How do I know you’re Picasso?”
Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and let him in.
When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates. “How can you prove to me you’re George W. Bush?” Saint Peter said.
Bush replied, “Well heck, I don’t know.”
St. Peter says, “Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you’re George W. Bush?”
Bush replies, “Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?”
St. Peter says, “It must be you, George, c’mon on in.”
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Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After the exam, the OB-GYN told her that she was pregnant, and in great shape. Hillary couldn’t believe the news and stormed out of the office. She rushed to her limo and picked up the phone to her husband.
“You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?” There is a silence on the other end.
Finally, she hears Bill’s voice.
“Who is this?”
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Bush and Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, “Isn’t that Bush and Powell?”
The barman says, “Yep, that’s them.”
So the guy walks over and says, “Hello. What are you guys doing?”
Bush replies, “We’re planning World War III.”
The guy asks, “Really? What’s going to happen?”
Bush says, “Well, we’re going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman.”
The guy exclaims, “Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?”
Bush turns to Powell and says, “See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Afghans.”
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