My daughter asked me one time, “Daddy, before you married Mommie, who told you how to drive?”

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A. A widow.

A 75-year-old woman had a vision one night—she saw and spoke to God. She asked him, “How much time do I have to live?” He said, “You have 35 years left.” So that whole year she had a ton of cosmetic surgery, she had a face lift, a tummy tuck, her nose reshaped, liposuction; she completely did herself over. She figured as long as she was going to live another 35 years she was going to look young again. After all this was done, that same year she was hit by a car and was killed instantly. When she entered St. Peter’s gate she walked over to God and said, “What happened? I thought you said I had another 35 years.” God replied, “I didn’t recognize you!”

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

The mountain farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12 opened the door. “Is yer paw home?” the farmer asked. “No sir he ain’t,” the boy replied. “He went to town.” “Well,” said the farmer, “is yer maw here?” “No, she ain’t here neither. She went to town with paw.” “How about your brother, Joe, is he here?” “No, he went with maw and paw.” The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. “Is there anything I can do fer ya?,” the boy inquired politely. “I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer paw.” “Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to yer paw. It’s about your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.” The boy considered for a moment. “You would have to talk to pa about that,” he finally conceded. “But if it helps you any, I know that pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar hog, but I really don’t know how much he gets for Joe.”

NEWLYWED: Do you want dinner? SPOUSE: Sure, what are my choices? NEWLYWED: Yes and no.

The Optimist and the Pessimist Two friends, one an Optimist and the other a Pessimist, could never quite agree on any topic of discussion. One day the Optimist decided he had found a good way to pull his friend out of his continual Pessimistic thinking. The Optimist owned a hunting dog that could walk on water. His plan? Take the Pessimist and the dog out duck hunting in a boat. They got out into the middle of the lake, and the Optimist brought down a duck. The dog immediately walked out across the water, retrieved the duck, and walked back to the boat. The Optimist looked at his Pessimistic friend and said, “What do you think about that?” The Pessimist replied, “That dog can’t swim, can he?”

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