Two reasons why it is nearly impossible to solve a redneck murder: 1. All the DNA is the same. 2. There are no dental records.

A woman walked into a pharmacy and asked the pharmacist for some arsenic. He asked, “What for?” She said, “I want to kill my husband.” He said, “Sorry, I can’t do that.” She reached into her handbag and pulled out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife and handed it to him. He said, “Oh, you didn’t tell me you had a prescription...”

Quote for the day: I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

A RELIGIOUS MOMENT FOR BLONDES Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was. The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to h-e-l-l. The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to h-e-l-l. The third blonde said she knew what Easter is and St. Peter said, "So, tell me." She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder. St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good." Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball." St. Peter fainted.

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?” He asked, “Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?” “Oh no,” I replied. “I’ve never done either.” Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbequed ribs?” I said, “No, I’ve heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!” “Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, ballooning, or rock climbing?” “No, I don’t,” I said. He said, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?” “No,” I said. “I’ve never done any of those things.” He looked at me and said, “Then why do you give a crap if you live to be 80?”

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